I used to think being submissive meant being quiet. Obedient. Pleasing for the sake of pleasing. I thought it meant waiting for someone to tell me what to do and calling it “belonging.” I thought submission was giving everything, even when I wasn’t being given anything back. I thought it meant enduring … staying silent when I felt unheard, staying present even when I felt unseen.
But that version of submission? The one born out of survival, not choice? That wasn’t me … not really.
That was a girl who wanted to be loved so badly that she handed over her softness like a sacrifice. That was a girl who thought submission had to be earned through pain, punishment, or perfection. Who thought being a “good girl” meant never needing anything? Never questioning. Never saying no.
Five years ago, I was a 15-year-old girl who was lost and hurting and stumbled upon the lifestyle. With the help of Wattpad, stories of bdsm dynamics ranging from master/slave to dom/sub and my favourite daddy/little.
I knew I was always a little, but it was a lot for me to comprehend at the time, and I didn't know how to do it, how to go about it…it so it was very foreign and too much for me at the time. So I left that and never acknowledged that side of myself, and was more submissive, but not entirely. I had had multiple online dynamics, but none of them worked out, because I wasn't in the right place, and wasn't fit to be doing such, at such a young age.
When I look back, I see how I didn't enter this or didn't start this for any of the right reasons. This was mainly an escape … a distraction from the abuse that I was experiencing. I was oversexualized, so I thought doing it for myself would be better. In the beginning, it did help. I enjoyed it, receiving attention and being spoken to in the ways that I was, was distracting me.
It felt nice to have attention from all these men, but that didn't last long, because eventually it wasn't a distraction anymore, but rather made things worse, because now I didn't only hate my abuser and my father, but I hated men in general. Because what man in his right frame of mind will willingly engage with a 15-year-old? I will say, I did lie about my age on my profile and said I was 18. But as soon as I was approached by these men, I was very honest and forthcoming about my age as well as my situation that landed me here. And shockingly, none of them ever seemed deterred by the fact that I was 15. Rather, they were more motivated and excited by my young age.
So, to say the least, what I used as an escape very soon turned into something I ran away from as well.
Fast forward to today. I'm 21 years old …no longer in that abusive environment… and no longer using toxic and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Looking back, I see an immense level of growth, and I am honestly proud of myself. I will admit, not everything is perfect, or the way I want it to be. But I am giving myself the grace, time, and understanding that I am becoming the free woman, little, submissive that I dream about. And it isn't easy. But...Nothing in life ever is.
What once started off as an escape and distraction has soon turned into something that is embedded in my daily life. About a year and a half ago, I decided to give myself a fair shot at lifestyle. I began engaging with meaning and went through some things that I didn't think I would go through or come out of okay. But I have. I've learned things along the way, met good people, and met bad people. But with all of that, I'm taking it as it is. For the ups and downs that come with anything in life that you take on.
For the longest time, I felt I could only be one type of submissive; for example, if I was submissive, I could not be a brat, etc. But I am learning and allowing myself to be all the versions of myself. All the possible versions of me are there, whether that be my brat, my little, my submissive, or my pet or my princess. And it isn't just that I am allowing myself this space, but My Domme has created this space for me where I can be all the versions of myself. And she is accepting and loving of each one, and encourages me to do the same for myself.
And now?
Now, I know that my submission is not about being less. It’s about being more … more attuned to my needs, more deliberate with my obedience, more connected to the part of me that blooms when I’m safe. It’s not about shrinking to fit someone’s fantasy. It’s about choosing who I offer myself to, and why.
I’ve grown from “what do you want me to be?” to “this is who I am … are you capable of holding that?”
Because I’m not just a submissive anymore — I’m a bratty little princess, a caregiver’s girl, a soft-but-spicy, giggling but wise kind of sub. I want rules and kisses. I crave structure and the freedom to pout when it’s cute to do so. I’m the kind of sub who needs her Dominant to be emotionally literate, patient, and a little wicked. Someone who will both praise me and pin me with a single look.
🖤 Milestones that mattered?
• The first time I walked away from a dynamic that didn’t serve me, and didn’t go back.
• When I spent 6 weeks learning about BDSM
• The first time I put my foot down and stood firm in a boundary
• The first time I said “No”... and didn’t explain myself after.
Those were sacred. They changed everything.
I've shed so many fears along the way. Fear of rejection. Fear of being “too much.” Fear of being “not enough.” Fear of wanting … openly, needily, greedily. Now, I welcome my desires like old friends. I don’t apologize for them anymore, or I try my best not to. I don’t shrink from keeping someone else comfortable.
🖤 Lessons I’ve learned:
• Submission isn’t about being weak. It takes strength to surrender with intention
• Not every Dom is a Daddy, and not every Daddy deserves to be called mine.
• No dynamic is worth abandoning myself for.
• Compatibility is more than kinks; it's about communication, emotional safety, aftercare, and most importantly, trust.
I’m proud of the way I’ve carved out a space for my softness, even when the world … and parts of my past … tried to harden me. I’m proud of how self-aware I’ve become. How I advocate for myself now. How I ask the hard questions. How I laugh during scenes. How I allow myself to be bratty.
🖤 Where I’m headed?
I want to keep deepening my relationship with structure. I’m still learning how rituals and protocols make me feel held, not restricted. I want to continue unlearning urgency and guilt … especially around pleasure and obedience. I want to explore my emotional submission more: the longing, the surrender, the intimacy that comes with it. And maybe one day… I’ll be someone’s collared girl … not because I need the title to feel valuable, but because it would symbolize everything I’ve grown into.
If there’s anything my journey has taught me, it’s that healing isn’t linear, but it is always worth the work.
I didn’t come into this lifestyle from a place of strength or clarity ... I came in as a hurting child, craving escape, safety, and someone to tell me I mattered. And for a long time, I mistook attention for care, domination for power, and control for safety. But submission born from wounds only deepens the bleeding.
It’s taken years to unlearn the belief that I had to be useful to be worthy. That I had to earn care. That my submission needed to come at the cost of my truth, my voice, or my softness. I’ve come to understand that true submission is not about being less ... it’s about being more of myself.
The more I’ve grown, the more I’ve realized that this lifestyle isn’t about pleasing someone else at the expense of myself. It’s about choosing who I give my surrender to ... and why. It’s about trust, safety, communication, and intention. It’s not about escaping pain, but about finding joy, structure, and care in ways that feel aligned with who I am now, not who I had to be to survive.
I’ve also learned that I don’t have to be one version of myself to be “valid.”
I can be the little who wants to be held.
I can be the brat who teases and tests.
I can be the submissive who serves with pride and power.
I can be the woman reclaiming everything that was once stolen from her.
And all of those parts? They belong here.
They belong in me.
There’s no singular way to do this, no one “right” way to be a sub, or a little, or anything in between. What matters most is that your choices come from a place of self-respect, not self-abandonment.
So if I could leave anyone reading this with a truth to carry… it’s this:
You are allowed to take up space in your submission.
You are allowed to unlearn, to rebuild, to come back to the parts of you you once silenced.
You are allowed to grow slowly, to get it wrong, and still deserve tenderness.
You are allowed to want care that is soft, fierce, structured, playful, demanding, and deeply loving ...all at once.
What hurt me doesn’t define me anymore.
What I survived is not the full story.
It’s just where it began.
And now, finally ...
I am writing the rest on my own terms.
And with a heart that knows now what she’s truly worth.
Xoxo
Nirvana