I didn’t realize how far I’d drifted from myself until I tried to come back. Until I sat still, placed my hand over my chest, and really tried to breathe…without distraction, without a goal, without trying to be anything but present.
After everything that happened this year …the people I trusted, the parts of me I gave away, the softness I thought I had to earn. I have ended up in a place where softness feels like something I can’t reach anymore. I want it, miss it, crave it… But also don’t feel like I can trust it. So I shut it down. I stopped allowing myself to be open. I am moving through the world guarded, cautious. And with that, I have slowly stopped connecting to the parts of myself that used to feel the most like me…the warm, silly, affectionate girl.
I want to find my way back to her.
Not by force.
Not by pretending nothing happened.
But by creating space for her to come back gently…on her terms.
That’s what led me to Tantra.
Some mornings, I lie on my bed and place one hand on my heart and the other on my belly. I close my eyes and breathe. Just to feel myself again. Just to remember that I’m still here.
Other times, I sit in complete stillness....no music, no phone, no voice in my ear telling me what to do. I just let myself be quiet. And in that silence, sometimes I hear things I forgot I needed. Little truths that get buried in the noise. Sometimes I whisper them out loud: “You’re safe to soften now.” Or, “You’re allowed to be here.” And maybe I don’t fully believe them yet. But I say them anyway.
These moments aren’t dramatic. They’re not big breakthroughs. But they matter. They’re helping me feel more grounded, more aware, more connected. They’ve reminded me that softness doesn’t have to come from someone else. That I can offer it to myself in tiny ways, and that’s still valid. That’s still enough.
So, for the next four weeks, I’ve set myself a little challenge. I found a series of Tantra-related questions...one for each day, that I’ll be answering through journaling and reflection. Just like I do with all my other healing work, I’ll be documenting the process, checking in, and staying curious. I’m genuinely excited to see what unfolds. Not because I expect some magical transformation, but because I know something shifts every time I give myself permission to go inward. I want to use this time to fall in line with myself again, to reconnect, to feel safe in my body again. And I’m hopeful. Really hopeful.
Tantra, for me, has become less about technique and more about intention. It’s been about creating small rituals of care and connection. About reminding my nervous system that it’s okay to soften. That I’m allowed to feel safe in my own hands. That I don’t need to wait for someone else to make me feel held…I can offer that to myself.
I am slowly starting to feel like myself again….
Xoxo
Nirvana