Week Two
Sunday: How do I express pleasure in non-sexual ways?
For me, pleasure lives in the little things...like the feeling of warm water hitting my back in the shower, or a warm cup of rooibos tea on a cold morning. It’s putting on body lotion slowly, not because I’m rushing to get out the house, but because it feels good to glide my hands over my skin, and feel ME!
I’m laughing so hard I snort...more like the hyenas from Lion King. It’s blasting music and dancing around. It’s being silly with someone I love and not having to perform or explain why I am the way I am. IT'S LAUGHING AT MY OWN JOKES....Pleasure doesn’t always have to be sexual. Sometimes, it’s just letting myself enjoy something fully, without guilt or needing it to “mean” anything. I think the more I allow myself to feel good in these small, everyday ways, the more safety I’m building in my body to receive pleasure in bigger ways, too.
Monday: What physical sensations do I notice most often?
Tension. Let’s start there. My shoulders are always tight. My jaw clenches even when I sleep. My belly? Usually knotted up or held in. I catch myself in this low-key state of bracing, like I’m preparing for something...without even knowing what that “something” is.
But when I do slow down, I notice other things too. Like how my thighs feel when I'm sitting cross-legged. How the fabric of my shirt brushes against my arms. How my breath gets shallow when I’m anxious, and how I can feel my heartbeat in my throat when I get excited. Or how I slightly stick out my tongue when I am focusing.
I’m learning that these sensations are messengers. That my body has a whole language, and I’ve just been ignoring the vocabulary. The goal isn’t to control the sensations...but more so to notice them. To let them tell me what I need. And then maybe… to actually listen. I think realising that my body is BODY (like it's a living thing...if that makes sense)...i think i was just living in some sort of limbo or disconnect from my body. I did not realise that it is MY body and it feels things...tells me what it needs etc.
Tuesday: How do I nurture myself emotionally?
That’s still a work in progress. LOTS of it. I, for one, am still teaching myself not to dismiss my own emotions. Which is proving to be rather difficult but we push forward.
Sometimes I nurture myself by just saying, “Yeah… this is hard,” instead of trying to force myself to be okay. I let myself cry when it builds up. I journal. I vent. I let my voice notes be messy and long and full of thoughts that don’t connect perfectly...and I send them anyway. I comfort myself...which feels so validating...in that instance, I allow myself to be sad/angry/mean/frustrated and i feel much better than i would have had i i tried to tell myself that i am overeating or it is not a big deal, etc.
I also give myself softness in practical ways. Cleaning my room when my mind is chaotic. Making something nice to eat, not because I have to, but because it makes me feel cared for. Taking naps when I know I’m emotionally exhausted, not just physically. Allowing myself to take breaks from people/friends/family without feeling guilty or the need to explain why.
Nurturing myself emotionally means not abandoning myself when I’m triggered. It means saying, “You’re allowed to feel this” instead of, “You should’ve known better.” And I don’t always get it right...But I notice the shift when I do. My whole body thanks me. i feel better...even though the situation is not resolved or anything, but me simply feeling better helps me handle it better.
Wednesday: What fears do I have around intimacy?
Whew. Deep breath. I am not a fan of this one...*womp womp*...I think my biggest fear is being fully seen and then... being left. That someone will witness the softest, most tender parts of me and decide it’s “too much.” Or worse...not enough. Intimacy is so fuzzy for me...i have a lot of mostly fearful thoughts about it. I think mainly because of past experiences.
I’m scared of opening up and then being met with silence...rejection. I fear repeating the past...where I gave too much, loved too loudly, trusted too soon. Where I tried to be easy to love, and still wasn’t chosen....There’s also a fear of being trapped. That if I get too close, I won’t be able to leave even if something doesn’t feel right. That I’ll stay out of loyalty or fear of starting over.
So yeah...intimacy feels beautiful and terrifying. I want it so badly...I want to be known, seen, and heard in deeply profound intimate way… but it’s wrapped in all these quiet fears I’m still unlearning. I’m working on holding those fears gently. Not letting them run the show. Just noticing them… and choosing softness anyway.
Thursday: How do I feel about being vulnerable with my partner?
If I had to sum it up in one word? Scared. But also craving it. It is along the same lines of my sentiment to intimacy.
Vulnerability used to feel natural to me. Now it feels earned. Like I need to test the waters first, make sure they’re really safe before I open up. And sometimes, by the time I feel “safe,” the moment has passed. And I’m left wondering if I missed out by guarding myself...But I want to be vulnerable. I want to be able to say, “This hurt me” without feeling dramatic. To say, “I need you” without feeling weak. To show the unfiltered, messy parts of myself and still be held.
So, how do I feel? Hesitant. Hopeful. And still learning what it looks like to let someone see me without needing to manage how they receive it. That is my biggest thing how the person will receive it...i am scared of being vulnerable because i am scared of what the person i am telling will think. "What if it offends them...what if i sound needy...what i come across as someone with a lot of baggage". That’s the edge I’m standing on...wanting to be met there, without flinching.
Friday: What does "sacred sexuality" mean to me?
Sacred sexuality, for me, isn’t about aesthetics or performance. It’s about presence...The intimacy that feels honest. Where I don’t have to suck in my stomach or arch my back just right. Where I can laugh, cry, moan, breathe, and still feel desired...It’s when sex becomes a meeting place...not just of bodies, but of energy... intention...mutual care.
Sacred sexuality is when I feel safe enough to let go. When the experience isn’t about doing things to each other, but with each other. Where I’m not performing softness, I am softness. I’m not chasing connection...I’m in it. And even though I’m not always in that space right now, it’s what I’m working toward. A version of intimacy that honors both me and the moment.
Saturday: How do I connect to my breathing during intimacy?
To be honest? I forget to. I want to....but I often get too in my head, too focused on the other person, too worried about how I look or sound. My breath gets shallow, stuck in my chest. Sometimes I even hold it without realizing. I am so in my head...there are so many thoughts floating around in there..and i am trying to get myself to be present that I miss the breathing part altogether.
But when I do remember to breathe? Everything shifts. My body softens. My mind quiets. I feel more… here. And I think that’s the goal...not perfect performance, just presence. Breathing is what brings me back into the moment when my mind tries to run ahead. So I’m working on that...on *cumming* (wink wink) back to breath during intimacy, not just when I meditate or do breathwork. But it is where I can remember that I’m not just in the act....I’m in my body, too.
A Little Softer Every Day:
Week Two is done, and honestly? I’m proud of myself.
This week felt deeper. More intimate. Not just with others, but with me. These questions pulled things out of me I didn’t even know I was holding. They reminded me that I’m still learning what it means to slow down, to trust my body, and to allow pleasure and softness to show up in ways I don’t always expect. Some days felt light. Some felt heavier. But through it all, I felt present. That’s progress.
Here's to week 2 and onto week 3
Xoxo
Nirvana