I’ve come to a realization that’s uncomfortable, frustrating, and disappointing. People don’t have to do anything. And I don’t mean that in a careless or dismissive way. I mean it in the most literal sense. No matter who they are to you. No matter what title they hold in your life. Nobody has to show up. Nobody has to make time. Nobody has to choose you, prioritize you, consider you, or treat you the way you would treat them.
You can be angry when people disappoint you. You can feel hurt. You can feel let down. But you can only sit in that space for so long before you have to face the truth underneath it. And the truth is that everything people do, or don’t do, is a choice. Showing up is a choice. Communicating is a choice. Being intentional is a choice. Making time is a choice. And when someone doesn’t do those things, it’s not always because they can’t. Sometimes it’s simply because they didn’t choose to.
That’s the part that’s hard to swallow.
Even when someone is your partner, your friend, your mentor, your Dom, your sub, your protector, your person. Even when they say that’s who they are to you. Even then, they don’t have to do anything. They don’t have to act according to your expectations or your standards or your definition of what’s right. They get to choose. And you get to feel however you feel about that choice.
What makes this so difficult for me is the way I live my life. My guiding principle has always been simple. I ask myself, if this were done to me, how would I feel? And if the answer is that I wouldn’t like it, I don’t do it. I don’t want to make people feel a way I wouldn’t want to feel. That’s how I move through the world. That’s how I treat people.
So when I run into people who don’t live by that same principle, it genuinely confuses me. Not in a judgmental way, but in a “how do you not see this?” kind of way. The double standards get to me. Wanting time but not giving it. Wanting understanding but not offering it. Wanting grace but withholding it. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around that because it feels so basic to me.
And I think that’s where my expectations come from. Not entitlement or control. But projection. I assume that because I would show up, because I would follow through, because I would care, that others will too. And when they don’t, it hurts more than I expect it to. Not because I believe I’m owed something, but because I wouldn’t do that to them.
What makes it hurt even more is when you want it. When you actually want the person to do better, to show up differently, to treat you with more care. It hurts more when you’re not indifferent, when you’re still hoping, still open, still giving them the benefit of the doubt. When you’re invested, the disappointment cuts deeper, because it’s not just about what they didn’t do, it’s about what you wished they would choose to do. Wanting better from someone makes their lack of effort feel heavier, because it reminds you that care can’t be forced, no matter how much you wish it could be.
Lately, I’ve also been realizing that the role you play in someone’s life directly affects how they treat you. How much they consider you. How much effort they put in. How present they are. And that’s a painful thing to sit with, because you can hold someone close to your heart while knowing they don’t hold you the same way. That doesn’t make them a bad person. But it does force you to confront reality instead of the version of the relationship you had in your head.
There’s also a very hard and very bitter truth in all of this, and it’s difficult to say out loud. Sometimes the reality is simply that you are not as important to them as they are to you. Because if you were a priority, they would have made the time. They would have made the effort. They would have been intentional and considerate. That’s a painful pill to swallow, because it reduces everything to something so blunt. If you mattered in that way, they would have done better. And it’s sad to realize that being treated well often comes down to how important you are in someone’s life. That realization is heavy, and it’s one of the hardest things to accept without questioning your own worth.
Time isn’t something people lose accidentally. Time is something people spend where they choose to. And realizing that doesn’t mean I suddenly think less of myself although my initial reaction was to feel unworthy etc. It just means I have to accept where I stand.
What I struggle with now is this idea of “matching energy.” I don’t want to become cold or distant or transactional. I don’t want to treat people poorly just because they don’t treat me well. That’s not who I am. I don’t want to stop being kind, or considerate, or intentional just to protect myself from disappointment. But at the same time, it hurts to keep giving in spaces where it isn’t met with the same care.
No matter who has done me dirty, or what shit stunt life pulls on me. I stay kind, soft, loving and caring. Which is a double edged sword because I end up with such feelings and situations but such is life.
I don’t have an answer yet. I don’t know how to completely let go of expectations without feeling like I’m betraying my own values. I don’t know how to separate how people treat me from how I see myself when I know I show up with good intentions. All I know right now is that people don’t have to. And I have to learn how to live with that truth without hardening myself in the process.
Maybe the lesson isn’t to stop caring. Maybe it’s to stop assuming. To stop attaching my standards to other people’s choices. To accept people as they are, not as I would be in their place.
Xoxo
Nirvana