I've realized something about myself the other day while walking past a tree I’ve admired for months.
It’s always been beautiful to me. And for weeks, I had been thinking about plucking some of its flowers to make a small bouquet for someone else. A gift. A gesture. A symbol of love.
Because that’s what I do. I love people through gestures. Through effort. Through thoughtfulness. Through giving pieces of myself away.
But when I saw the tree that day, instead of thinking about who I could give the flowers to, I stopped and asked myself a question I’ve never really asked before:
Why don’t I give them to myself?
So I did. I plucked one flower and held it in my hand, and in that small moment, I realized something uncomfortable but true:
I have so much love to give, yet I give almost none of it to myself….Not even five percent.
I am generous with my patience, my understanding, my empathy, my grace when it comes to other people. I excuse their flaws. I make space for their mistakes. I try to be intentional. I try to see them. I try to love them in the ways I wish I had been loved.
But with myself?...I am harsh. I am critical. I am unforgiving. I self-deprecate. I talk myself down. I minimize my own needs. If someone looked at how I treat others versus how I treat myself, they might think I love everyone and hate me, and I don’t think they would be wrong in that assumption…And that realization hurt.
Because the truth is, I love deeply. Passionately. With my whole heart, soul, and body. When I love, I give everything. I pour myself into people. I try to make them feel accepted, safe, seen, heard, and cherished. Yet I have rarely received that same kind of love in return. The kind of love I give so freely, I’ve almost never been given.
So instead of learning to give it to myself, I kept giving it away. Hoping one day someone would finally give it back to me…Waiting.
Waiting to be chosen.
Waiting to be prioritized.
Waiting to be loved “properly.”
Waiting to be held the way I hold others.
And that waiting has shaped so many of my relationships. Whenever I meet someone new, I arrive with an overflowing cup of love. I give them everything I’ve been withholding from myself. All my attention. All my effort. All my devotion. It feels beautiful at first. But it’s unsustainable.
Psychology calls this “external validation seeking” and “anxious attachment.” It happens when you learn, early on, that love feels uncertain, inconsistent, or conditional. So you grow up trying to secure love by being extra: extra caring, extra loyal, extra available, extra forgiving. You don’t believe love will stay unless you earn it. So you overextend…you overcommit…you overgive. And slowly, you abandon yourself.
That’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been pouring from an empty cup and calling it love. I’ve been loving others without ever learning how to love myself first. And then I wonder why heartbreak destroys me.
It’s because when someone leaves, they don’t just take a relationship with them. They take everything I invested in them. Everything I neglected in myself. I’m left with nothing because I gave everything away.
That flower was a metaphor I didn’t know I needed. I’ve always said I want to be given flowers. I’ve always imagined someone choosing me enough to bring me something beautiful. I’ve always waited for proof that I mattered. But that day, I realized: I am here. I exist. I matter. I can give myself what I’ve been waiting for.
So I did. And it wasn’t just about a flower. It was about choosing myself in a small, practical way. It was about saying:
I deserve softness.
I deserve effort.
I deserve tenderness.
I deserve my own love.
Another realization followed soon after:
I need to stop waiting to be loved.
Waiting keeps me stuck. Waiting keeps me passive. Waiting makes my life feel like it hasn’t started yet. Self-love doesn’t mean I don’t want partnership or connection. It means I refuse to put my worth on hold until someone arrives….Because what is love if I’m not giving it to myself?
What is romance if I’m neglecting my own heart?
What is devotion if I have none toward me?
True self-love isn’t just affirmations on mirrors or pretty quotes. It’s practice It’s speaking to myself with kindness. It’s resting when I’m tired. It’s setting boundaries. It’s not abandoning myself for attention. It’s choosing myself even when no one is watching.
Right now, I’m my worst critic. My loudest hater. My strictest judge. And that will take time to unlearn.
But I’m starting. Loving myself is also a form of self-preservation. It’s how I stop losing myself in other people. It’s how I stop over-devoting. It’s how I stop loving to the point of self-erasure. I am learning that I can love deeply and still keep something for myself.
I don’t have to give everything to prove I’m worthy.
I can give from abundance, not desperation.
I can show up without disappearing.
And even if no one ever comes along and loves me the way I deserve, I will still love myself that way.
I will still choose myself. I will still give myself flowers. I will still speak gently to my heart. I will still protect my peace. Because I deserve that.
Xoxo
Nirvana