I slept in this morning, a whole extra two hours… Sun streaming, another wave of heat to bring forth a new and glorious week - and even better, one where I won’t be working!
Sprung out of bed, had my warm hug with the pupper tucked in beside me looking out at the clothes I hung out blowing in a soft breeze, imagining how good they’ll smell when I put them on. Then that little niggle of hollow emptiness hits.
I shook it off, relished that last mouthful of coffee, pupper wagging his tail like a helicopter knowing my morning rituals better than I know them myself (time for a walk), that longing hopefulness in his warm brown eyes begging for a longer one than he’s been getting of late. So off we set, zero expectation or intention, just letting him guide me along the tracks and trails and cliffs aplenty.
We wandered for hours, him taking in every sight and sound and smell, me trying to fill the void that can’t be filled. I didn’t know I was crying, but there it is. Those hot salty tears cascade in torrents down my cheeks leaving trails as the sun helps them disappear as quickly as they’re pouring. I feel the heat, not the sun this time, anger. It starts like a dark knot midway in my chest, builds like the waves below me rolling to their end against the rocks. But there’s no end for me. Just white hit anger that bubbles and boils inside me.
Down the cliff we roam, pupper looking to me now for where we’re going next. He knows, he always knows bless his little soul. I listen intently to his paws on the road instead, the putter patter of his pads hitting the surface a wonderful distraction while the sadness creeps back in slowly but surely pushing the anger back out. I stop at the crossroads, home or the beach again? I’m not quite ready to face home, so the beach it is.
Pupper is confused where I turn off, the “side entrance” to the beach. I see holes in the sand, made by my own horses yesterday as they frolicked and snorted with bursts of endless energy at getting down there. I sit for a minute, pupper climbing onto my lap, exactly where one had rolled on the end of the lunge line having spent endless minutes sniffing and pawing before eventually choosing this spot. I think “why here?” all the time. Why this spot? This giant expanse of sand has softer and harder offerings beneath the feet. So why this very spot?
Pupper is licking my face. The tears have started again. I hold him close for a moment, not sure if I’m reassuring him or me exactly but it needed doing. Off to the rocks we go, searching for - well I don’t know really. Calm? Peace? Answers? Well I didn’t find them this time, so it’s irrelevant I suppose.
Homeward bound, I take in this beautiful place basking in sunshine, the silence confirmed by the migration of tourists and calm restored to nature. The gorse is coming into full bloom, yellow blazes across the green hillsides lighting them up like the fires that shall inevitably replace them soon.
It makes me think of the horses, that they’re back in work and need riding today. Then the sadness comes back. Maybe just a pamper day for them today instead, it may be a better option all round.
