Steellover

Sometimes I find myself lying there thinking of a girl.  Sometimes it's a particular girl, or sometimes it's only someone I saw once from a distance- like that girl in the red miniskirt walking down 13th street the other day, or sometimes it's nobody in particular. Whoever she is, I find myself fantasizing about all of the kinky things I could experience with her, under the heel of her black leather boots, a quivering heap of submission as she make me into her "Toy to seduce and destroy."

Then again, sometimes I wish I had never discovered kink at all. 

My journey began like a lot of newbie male submissives: seeing a video or documentary of some kind, of some professional FemDom dungeon, then experiencing the most powerful sexual feelings I had ever imagined which were brought on by watching this.  Anyway, the fantasies started there. I was like a lot of newbies experiencing total sub-frenzy;  I wanted to experience it all.  And in the beginning (way back then, before I knew better) I probably even annoyed a domme or two (like many clueless newbs do) by trying to approach her without knowing how to properly be respectful. Something I do regret and apologize for, by the way.  I think you really can go too far down a rabbit hole sometimes with your fetishes and fantasies.  Maybe I'll share some of those fantasies in a later post...but maybe I won't.  People have probably heard it all before anyway.

The thing is, there are times when what I want is just a partner.  Someone to hold hands and sit on the couch and watch movies, or to cuddle up together with and watch the sunset up on the hill.  Someone to go for long drives into the hills with, go shopping with, strolling with, visiting art galleries and cool exhibits with.  But more than that, someone who gives me the same butterflies I had when I had my first crush as a kid. Where when you are not with them, you dream about being with them, and seeing them in the hallway or on the street makes your heart leap. 

In other words, I want LOVE.  

This need, I believe, is stronger than any kink or fetish, because no matter how intense those sexual feelings can be, ultimately it leaves you feeling empty in the end if there is no emotional bond.  I have gotten to experience these kinks first hand.  It was exhilarating and intense, but in the end, there was no bond.  She was a local pro domme, but only that.  The deep thrill, and the satisfaction quickly wore off when it became clear that her only real "kink" was in getting me to spend as much money on her as possible, without any promise or any benefit of a deeper connection.  First it was just the weekly session tributes, but then came more and more requests for expensive gifts and shopping sprees.  But the thing is, I was not "her boyfriend" or even "her sub," or even her ANYTHING-  I was just another client, just another source of income for her.  Like a weekly pension.  

After a while, that wasn't enough anymore.  Some guys may be into financial domination, but for me- I need some kind of deeper bond, or it just doesn't do it for me after a while.

And I realized I would gladly, eagerly, settle for the most vanilla sex life in the world, and  bury all these kinks in the darkest recesses of my mind forever, if or when I find that person who gives me the same kind of butterflies my first boyhood crush gave me, who makes my heart burn merely by sitting next to her, and whose touch sets me on fire more intensely than any whip or paddle.  And we would grow together, laugh together, support each other through both dark times and light, and it would be someone who I would walk barefoot through hell to make her happy.

Because that is love.  

This is going to be tough to write about, but I hope I can do so in a way that doesn't stir the pot.

I am, like many people, upset by the possibility of Roe/Wade being overturned in the U.S.

But it isn't just the thought of losing abortion access that worries me.  Technically speaking, as a male, I should have no say in this either way, although the problem is, many who are making this decision are likewise, men who will never have to face such a terrible choice. And thus, should have no say either way, either.  Which is part of the whole issue here.

But I fear there may be more at stake.

Whether you feel that the State should force an underage rape victim who has been brutally assaulted by her uncle to carry her rapist's baby to term against her will, is one thing- and for the record, yes, I do have a serious problem with this. 

Rather, I don't believe that for many of these so-called "pro life" activists, that abortion is the real issue.  Because even if they succeed in outlawing all abortions without any exceptions, I fear that they won't stop there.

Right now, there are plenty of ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies.  Condoms, the pill, and many other forms of contraception.  Make these free and easily available, and the demand for abortion would decrease. So logically you would expect that most pro-life activists would be ardently campaigning for these things.

Yet, they are not.  They are actively campaigning AGAINST them.  In fact, some are even hoping to outlaw all forms of contraception and birth control altogether.

Why? 

Because, abortion isn't really their main issue. 

What is it then?

It's simple:  Repression and control.

Control of other's sexual behaviors, restriction of other's sexual freedoms, denial of others' sexual pleasure, and most importantly, subjugation of women and women's sexuality. 

I would suspect that even if most people are pro-life to some degree (and for the record, most polls suggest that at least 60 percent of Americans still want some form of abortion to be legal) I would bet that only a VERY SMALL number of people would want to see birth control and contraception outlawed. The type of people who read Atwood's "The Handmaid's Tale" and instead of being horrified by the dystopian society portrayed in that work of fiction,  they are envious of it.

This should scare all of us.

If abstenence is your kink, or if sexual repression and control is your kink, then as I said in my last post, I am not here to judge, or to kink-shame.

But one thing everyone who partakes in the BDSM scene should know, it is that we should not subject unwilling participants or bystanders to our own kinks.  It's about being safe, sane, and above all.... CONSENSUAL.  When a governing body seeks to strip it's people of their most private and intimate freedoms, that is not consensual.  It goes way too far.

This is one of those deals where I've been struggling with what to post and how much to share.  Part of the problem has been, too much other stuff going on in my life that would be of no interest to the folks on here.

But the stuff that WOULD be of interest to people on here- the kink-related stuff; I'm still not sure I'm ready to share that.

Part of the reason is, ironically, fear of being shamed.

Kink shaming. 

It's one of those things that seems inevitable in the BDSM/fetish scene. It doesn't have to be this way, but I fear that sometimes, it is harder to avoid than some might think.

Let me start by saying that I myself am no exception, yes; I have been guilty of it too.  And before I go any further, let me apologize for it straight away.  It was one of those deals where I didn't mean to come across that way, but it came out that way, because it was a dynamic I did not understand and could not relate to.  I identify as a heterosexual, submissive male with certain kinks.  With that said, the "Daddy dom/little girl" kink is not really my thing.  I didn't understand it, and could not relate to it.  So, to those who are into this dynamic, I apologize for any thoughtless comments I may have made about this in the past. Clearly that is outside of my own interests, but I will respect those who pursue it.

Because some of my own kinks may be a bit too extreme for some people. They could not understand it, may not relate to it, and that is fine.

There was a female domme who used to be active in the forums who would go off on how "Cringy" male submissives were.  Though she identified as a domme, I found it odd that she would shame male submissives like this.  Was it their particular kinks that turned her off?  Her general lack of interest in men in general, or was it simply too many obnoxious men trying to pursue her who not only lacked compatible interests, but lacked basic tact and etiquette?  Either way, it came across to me as kink shaming submissive men.

I have an interest in...(should I say this?) toilet play.  I won't elaborate any further, other than it involves being used as one.  The degradation, emasculation and abuse, along with the absolute and utter submission this entails, is a huge turn on for me, BUT- it is also the kind of thing I would feel uncomfortable discuss in any detail on a forum- because understandably most people would find this as, well, kinda gross.  I would probably be kink shamed if I brought this up too frequently.  

But rather than give into to fear of being "Shamed" about my own kinks, I will try to do my part, as much as I can, and not do the same to others who share their deeper fantasies.  And to continue to learn, and be open minded and non-judgemental.  

There are many things that lead to bliss.

Carving first turns on six inches of untracked fresh snow. 

Blasting down a loopy trail after a long, grinding uphill bike ride. 

Or, the joy of seeing friends in a crowd again, of hearing live music again, for the first time in over two years.  As a Eugene, Oregon musician said, performing at a recent festival, it was like coming up for air after a long, suffocating darkness.

And there are many, simple joys of every day, things we take for granted.

For example, lying or kneeling at your dominant's feet and worshiping and adoring her.  Looking up at her and seeing her smile, and her eyes sparkle.

Or just doing something nice for her, and knowing that you have made her happy, and brightened her day, and your reward is simply to kneel in her presence and back in her radiant feminine power.