Those days, long ago...
Wandering around at a backyard party, in a haze of post-awareness confusions.
"Hey Devin"* Did you get Karra anything for her birthday? I know you sometimes sit next to her in Mr. Syock's German History class." Gary Vonn says.
(Is he insulting me? Did he mean it that way? He's frowning. Oh God, I fucked that up, oh no... maybe I'll go grab another beer.)
(Oh wait, there's Karra now...should I go talk to her?"
Hey Karra... (Oh my God, am I being too forward? Should I even be talking to her? Oops, I screwed up.)
"...Happy Birthday! " "yay, Thanks!" Hey Devin!" "So...uh, how old are you?"
(Oh NO! Never ask that! I REALLY screwed up now, oh God, this is bad...she probably hates me now, maybe I should just walk away. I'll go grab another beer, oh wait I just opened one.)
More advanced plaque entanglements ensue. The band starts playing. Mike "Rotch" Phillips on bass and vocals, Cliff on guitar, Renny on drums...Devin is smiling at Renny...(oh God what am I doing here, she's totally mad at me, now Renny's mad at me too, this is a bad scene...) I see another girl I want to talk to but I'm too tongue tied to think of what to say. The band is playing a song, "Aching Cavern without Lucidity." (No, that's me, this song is about me isn't it, why am I in this fog of drifting time misplaced...what was I talking about, I can't hear over the band playing. Oh whoops, that isn't Gary Vonn I'm talking to, I don't even know this guy, and I'm totally bothering him, aren't I.) "Let's go pack another bowl," Gary says then.
Why am I doing this?
It was fun at the time.
Until it wasn't.
Until I got older, gave it up, got lucid, and was actually able to have fun at social gatherings again.
No, I don't miss it. Just beer, thank you, and even then, two or three of those and I'm good.
(*My name isn't Devin obviously)