I often do things the hard way in life, the easy way seems well.... in BDSM boring but in life its just not a concept i grasp. I have had strict control over myself for about two years now. I can feel the chains straining. They wont hold for much longer. I dont think many Doms may understand the need for this level of control for a sub for so long, lets just say its a womens perogative. Despite it being well 2019 now... there are still expectations and a class structure even if we dont realise it and are acustomed to it.
I can feel the chains about to break and after having such control for so long .... im not sure i want to know how badly its going to get. (i dont mean this to sound weird .... or maybe i do 😉 ) see what i mean. The last time i ended up traveling all over wales getting hammered dancing on tabels and waking up in corriders with god knows who next to me. This was before i discovered BDSM. Lets just say the alcohol was a way of blocking flashbacks. I cant drink in the same way now and well i wouldnt want to.
I need somewhere to feel safe, i need home, i have tried to seperate my life into chunks it doesnt work, i need an outlet for this lifestyle somewhere in my life. When your security goes it does very weird things to someone you start looking for it in places you know it wouldnt exist, sleeping with people just so someone is next to you at night.
The dance of the mind is something i miss a lot, there is way of doing this to yourself tho... as i mentioned the control and structure but it only lasts so long you need the fun too. For anyone reading this who is new its a little like dancing with someone and 'accidently' stepping on there foot and going oops while winking. I suppose this is a part of being in a lifestyle that is still unaknoledged.
ohhh well there might be some big shopping trips coming up. Time to change my image.
