When i couldn't walk you carried me. Can't sleep? No problem rest on me even if its in a hospital bed. Almost died from organ failure... i have a kidney. This was your response. You helped me walk again. The thing about physical pain (at least for me) even if it almost kills you, its bearable. You degree is fucked ... im worried resentment will build... you don't care. Still it hurts to see it.
Now before this point, i always knew something could come up. I have a nightmare of a family.
The screams at night and vodka fulled rebellious obsession with blacking out during sex just so i didn't have to remember. It went away, even this wasn't an issue.
My family spilt when i was a child with zero explanation, which meant one of two extremes for an Irish catholic marriage. It was either nothing much or...... horrendous there would be no inbetween. Im still going to have to get hold of the court records. Oddly its both.
Why do i bring this up? Six months into meeting you i realized.... it was too late to say no. I couldn't say no i was already in love, this thing i thought was fiction my whole life. No more waking up in hallways next to strange dudes, in beds or sofas that weren't mine.
The problem with this? I had unresolved issues and if it was bad for me it would only be worse for you. You held me, comforted me when I cried, you had worked it out. I had been lied to since childhood. Oddly everyone else knew, it was just me who didn't.
The problem when you love someone is you want them to be safe. We started taking care of each other instead of ourselves. So when you walked (just like every other beep in my life) honestly it hurt, but a small part of me took advantage just incase the bullshit i had been told since childhood was true. Even if you were never with me, you where safe.
You once offered to go to Ireland with me if i ever needed you. Im already considered a spinster at 20... like im subjecting you to that lol.
But in all seriousness i pushed you away. I owe you an apology and have no clue how to. The irony is it could have had a knock on effect just not how we thought. I had to contact you about some mutual funds left over.
Pushing you away wasn't intentional, wasn't something i maliciously did and is something I will never do again. Its been years and yet ive never been anyone else's.
Your the only person i want to tell and the only one i cant..... can you say masochistic? Irony right.
Even when i knew this might happen six months in, im glad i met you. You proved me wrong, love and decent men do exist. I know we had a shit time with things at the end.... but thats the sad thing about my family they love me if im dependent on them. It was never you.... you never pushed them away, that was my choice and you respected it, besides it wasn't them who held me when i couldn't walk. They just watched from the sidelines as we crumbled, no help or support for us, but help for me as long as its just me and i pick up the phone whenever they want to offload. I can't wait to be free, one year and counting. I have no idea how im going to make it through Christmas smiling at the people who lied to me about single custody for 20 years.
I hope your happy and successful in life, someone will be very lucky to call you there's.
Im sorry
Rose
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