you might gather from the title im not in the best place.
It has been two year...
two fucking years...
i still cant get him out of my head.
I had a really shitty realisation last night.
I am a dick, all i do is push. The more i care the more of a dick i am. * softly bangs head on wall....
I was in a BDSM relationship for 4 years, the last year was hell for both, i wasnt well and he wasnt either we just couldnt cope. So what do i do push him away in the meanist way possible, thinking im being kind cos the alternative is brutal, watching me slowly die over the next 15 years... * softly bangs head against wall again....
When you like it rough and the person your with you have litterally seen them in such a state bruses everywhere, blood coming up ect... its genuinly hard to be rough with them after seeing that, i understand this.
Sooo
i over heard him with someone else... and well with about 20 others saw a topless woman with him in the same room for 40min... it seriously doesnt take a genious to work this out.
As i mentioned we where both in a bad place.
We are in BDSM... im not closed minded, i wasnt able to be with him for six months....
He walked out as he couldnt cope seeing me in a bad way, again i get it but letting me know your okay would have been nice... especially when he hadnt slept for weeks...
So the bit i have never understood until last night is why do this or 'not' as he insisted when i asked, Im openminded, its the lack of honesty that did it in, not the concept of fucking other women or men... what ever floats your boat... such as watching gay porn while screaming at me when i walk in doing housework... its the screaming at me i didnt like.
I AM SHARING THIS SO OTHERS MIGHT GET IT, FUCK WHOEVER YOU LIKE, BE HONEST, YOU CANT BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT HONESTY. and obviously it depends on the individuals.
so this has bugged me for the past year or two, why when im open mined was it never discussed...
I got my answer last night and it fucking sucked, i like to be distant from emotional pain AKA im an arsehole. I push and push, at the time, i genuinly thought i was being practical and actually making it hurt less for him in the long run by pushing him away... i was wrong.
This is the part i can share on here but not with friends in real life, i never understood why it wasnt talked about with honesty when we are both open minded...
The answer, i pushed him out so he couldnt.... *softly bangs head on desk...
I didnt see it at the time and its taken a while,
when your BDSM inclined and your not able too... many dont get the effect that can have in other areas, with vanilla friends (well meaning) going he is being a dick ect... when actually it was me, it doesnt help... well prob both of us.
The reason i pushed him out.......... i love him. (fantastic logic isnt it)
I didnt want it to hurt him seeing me in such a way and tried the best way i could to hide it, so became very logical and cold, i got what i wanted...
He isnt at risk of my stupid family members when they find me, (they where close to it too, unstable members of my family stalk me online regurally), or seeing me unwell... (He stuck by me and it cost him dearly too).
I havent been able to answer that question for a long time, its a really shitty lesson to learn too.
Every relationship i had ever known was abusive until i met him, im glad i have 3 years of experiance in a health and functional relationahip.
To people who say its all him, it isnt nice to be on the receving end of a lack of intamcy and what seems like a cold hearted beep... Think of a very reserved man, who shows no affection (that was me minus the man bit).
I am writing this as all i want to do is apologise, i hurt someone and i can never fix that, I cant get back with them too much has passed, but the happiest years of my life so far where with him, this is the closest i have ever been to being married and with a family history like mine i doubt i ever will.
All the special occasions i fucking ruined i was scared...
we moved in and i was terrified it would turn to shit, like everything and every other relationship had in my life, so i tried to protect you by pushing you away- yes im an idiot.
I cant say this to you, i will leave you in peace, ive caused enough pain, so ive put it on here instead.
Im sorry i pushed you out, that i was cold, distant and generally a dick, its been two years and it still hurts like it was yeasterday, i didnt think love existed until i met you (thank you for proving me wrong), there is too much damage now for it to work, in my mind we where married, i doubt i will ever come that close again im not capable of it.
I really do hope you find someone who makes you happy (just as you said this to me)
have a happy and full life
sorry
xxxx
