This is to my last partner my Ex and last Master. Im debating if i should send this or not.
Biggest pratchet fan, fencing (amazing arse, seriously!) and authour ;)
Two years have passed, you did a good job getting into my head, your still there, i wait for the day i dont miss you... im still waiting. It still amuses me two vanilla friends set us up unintentionally. Despite you still being in my mind, i carry on with myself as my own Master. I have always thought it takes two people to make a relationship work and two people are responsible for it to fall apart, its only over the past 6 months that i have understood my role in this fully. I put up walls but these where not to keep you out ironically it was to keep you safe. This caused you a lot of pain and you walked away. Im actually glad you walked away... it means your safe, as much as it hurt. There are times i became non verbal and you are not a mind reader. I hope you have found someone who makes you happy and without the baggage i come with. I have a complex family dynamic in real life and idiots had started contacting me in an unstable way, i didnt really know what else to do than push you away.
I was also very unwell at times, i wouldnt want anyone to go through seeing me in such states. Again i pushed you out both physically (sleeping on the sofa) and emotionally as i didnt share this with you. I had a difficult time too, it wasnt one way but i understand your fustration. It must have felt like the person you once knew had disapeared and all of a sudden your best friend and girlfriend was a stranger. All this did was cause us both a lot of pain and its only right i acknowledge that and apologise. You essentially moved in with a stranger, the person you once knew disapeared.... its difficult to be in this position as it would not matter what you did or did not do. This wouldnt have changed, you asked me to let you in before you walked... i refuesed. Its worth pointing out this was not intentional at the time, i just understand my behaviour a lot better now, you will already know why it wasnt intentional. That doesnt excuse the pain its caused to you. The fustration and anger came out in different ways and our relationship turned toxic. I have no reference point for a healthy relationahip and im glad you walked away. You spent four years showing me the love is not a fictional plot device and walked away when things became toxic, again showing me how things should be. (Even if there where punch marks in the wall).
I was hoping after two years well... it wouldnt be so painful. I was wrong. I may not have as much time left as i thought and that sucks to spend it missing someone, i still wont go back tho.
Side note: family dynamics dont help when your trying to split amacabily.
I was unintentionally cruel to you and couldnt understand it at the time, asking question after question.. like a mini interogation.... i just couldnt hold the information in my head so kept asking, trying to understand and therefor making things worse. You suffered a lot and i am sorry there are circumstances at play but they dont excuse the pain caused. You said you would find it hard and might leave and come back.... you did .... i refused to let you in. That is on me, causing pain and leaving you to telapathicly guess things. That is very unfair.
I wont know if you will ever see this, ive been wondering if i should send it to you or not. I have done you wrong and it is only fair i apologise. But you know what.... Im glad you left, i hope your happy and have found someone to love who is a lot less complicated than i am, that you can spend time with and enjoy each others company. It also means your safe, unstable people cant find you to get to me (i had been getting messages, you where not aware of, aimed at me not you, but keeping you safe was my priority). And its there the real issue lies.... i hadnt accepted your informed choice to stick by me and let you in, sorry doesnt cover it but i am. As much as it still hurts me and as bad as it got at the end, i still think back over our time fondly, we had some good times too.
As i often say,
It takes two people to make it and two people to break it. I finaly understand my role in this.
I hope your happy in life.
Im sorry for the pain caused.
Rose xxx
I wouldnt inculde this part in it but to give context our anniversary you had put a lot of thought into (i forget every fucking year) and i just picked argument after argument.... i cant cope with a cirtain level of resposibility for another person, the pressure was killing me... not that you would know that as i didnt share it. You treated me as a human not an object well until it got close to the end.. ;). I had worked out how i was going to propose to you too (Im fucking terrified of marrige, again you know why, if you see an irish catholic marriage go badly ... well there wasnt many ways out of one until about the mid 90s). Going to see les miserable in london would have been a good way, the thought terrified me and i made the night a living hell instead.
