Ev's kink corner

It's an ache.

A long ache, with little staccato flashes of memories. The look in his eyes. Her lashes fluttering. The feel of my hand inside her. The feel of him driving deep into me. All wrapped up together, panting, cuddling, sweat cooling. Realizing he was getting up to start again. Seeing how kind and open she was with my Master. Remembering how he worked to make sure I felt safe.

They are so far away. That's why I don't do this, this long distance stuff. It's a long, deep ache with unfulfilled desire.

They speak of moving here. We will see if it happens.

They're flying me out to stay with them for three weeks in September.

I hope

 

the reality of me

 

is enough

 

compared to

 

the ideal of me. 

The internet and a lot of industries will tell you that no one will want you because of your body shape, or your age or hairline or whatever. 

 

They are full of shit, though. 

 

I am one happy person today. You know, I'm fatter than ever, and I am older than I ever was before. Getting close to 40. But I'm getting fucked and loved by awesome good quality people more now than ever before. 

 

Don't give up hope. Amazing, wonderful things can happen. 

I'm walking bowlegged, haha. 

 

Between hot as fuck lovong sex with my beloved Master celebrating our anniversary, a hot as fuck loving threesome with my new pack, and some excellent pounding from my MMA fighter buddy, my joints are screaming but my heart is high. 

 

I have my leather family. Master and I are solid. My buddy and I have a good, easy friendship. My skittish partner is skittish so he will probably always be on the peripheral, but he knows we are family. The couple are going home to Australia but I'm going to visit them in September. That's the hardest part of all of this- they are so very far away, and I am gonna miss the hell out of them. 

 

But isn't that amazing and wonderful? I didn't have to "earn" love by shrinking my body. You don't have to put your life on hold because your body isn't physically "correct" according to society. Fuck that! Love! Enjoy! Go make yourselves walk bowlegged! A ton of hot sexy people who are themselves a wide range of body types are out there, waiting. 

Got my bedroom all ready, but they got their wires crossed and-
Didn't realize we were supposed to spend all day together.
Couldn't spend the night because no one would feed the cat at the place they were house sitting at.
Were experiencing bad sub drop/ dom drop, dread about going back home to Australia, and eh, I think something else was going on, too.

We went out for Thai, went to a local spot where you can see the whole bay area, and then they went home.

I don't think I quiiiite manage to hide the couple tears that slipped out. I didn't want to make them feel worse and drop harder. Felt like I was being way too fragile, but there you go. Spent two days building up to this and then bam.

But they told me that Master and I hadn't done anything wrong. They liked Master a lot (he was worried he'd screwed things up somehow, but he hadn't,) and they are really looking forward to the tea ceremony tomorrow, so there is that. 

I have to get myself together for that and not let the sadness creep into the tea. I also have to work a big job tomorrow, and I really ran myself into the ground the past two days, so I need to find the will somewhere to override the pain in my back and joints and get it done. 

I decided that I was going to cook that feast anyway. Master, my best friend, and I enjoyed some Chinese style roast duck, dry-cooked green beans with fermented chili paste, eggplant with black bean sauce, and marinated king oyster and portobello mushrooms in a ginger-garlic-soy sauce. 

 

Did make me feel a bit better. 

My bedroom is all torn up because I wanna make it play-ready. My bed isn't made yet and I don't know when they will be here. I'm in a bit of a panic and I'm forcing myself to sit down and relax for a moment. But all y'all, I AM feeling FIERCE today! Will let my hair down once I'm done cleaning. Wearing the tall boots for them, and my formal collar for Master. He is still asleep and doesn't know I've put it on- it hurts my neck to wear long-term, but I want him to see that I know I'm his first and foremost. It shouldn't hurt to wear for a day, and we'll take it off this evening before I get to playing, most likely. 

I have two roast ducks waiting to be cooked, and a bunch of veggies to prepare and cook in duck fat. I am going to put my dragon blanket on my bed, make sure the lube is easy to access, and that toys are organized and easy to find.

I have no idea what will happen. Negotiation, of course. We might not even play, as one of them isn't feeling well... but if we do, well! Last time was awesome. The absolute BEST would be if they are attracted to Master, and he is attracted to them, and all 4 of us play without anything going too too wrong. Master is amazing and hot and DAMN can he fuck like nobody else. These two are sizzling hot too, and today I am amazed and bewildered that so many people seem to really be attracted to me, but you know what?

 

I don't know how long I have to live, and I'm going to fucking roll with it and enjoy the hell out of what I have left, however long that may be. 

As my tea Sensei says, my particular faith, Asatru (NOT the racist kind) can be summed up thusly:

"We're all gonna die. Let's party!"

3:45am and I hit that wall hard. Didn't finish getting everything all ready, but I did get almost everything done. Master helped once he got home at 1:30am. 

Buhhhh.

No idea when they are showing up today!

 

These are some rare old ones. Most have the ugly yellow stitches that you have to black out with a sharpie. Unless you like yellow stitches, not judging here, heh!
I traded them with a friend, because I had a pair of steel toe boots that were too tight.
This is the pair I wore yesterday for that couple I've started seeing. Got some better conditioner, and am going to treat them again today. I did feel sexy wearing them. Might've walked extra provocatively in front of them whislt they smoked (I can't be near the smoke) until the dom ran up on me trying to swat my ass. I dodged, then wasn't sure why I dodged, lol. Martial arts training sets in hard, as I doded, spun, and went into a fighting stance. 
So he watched me as I walked, and noted that I always looked over my left shoulder, and never my right. He waited until I was in a more crowded, noisy area, snuck up quietly on my right side, and swatted my ass.
"Always study your prey and learn it's movements," he said. Hah.
So yeah. Liking the boots. Extra stompy and tall. 

Last night I learned about bootblacking. 
Met up with the couple in SF, and at the end of the evening we were back in Wicked Grounds. 
He had me polish his boots, and then he had me ride his knee, grinding myself on him right there in the middle of the cafe.
I was bright red but gods, it was hot. 
Have to make sure the cafe earns it's 18+ rating!
They had to leave, and the kind baristas let me hang out after closing until I was sure I was back down to earth from subspace.

I went home, and oh, I missed Master so much! He's working a bunch of 12 hour shifts. It's hard, because he doesn't get home until close to 2am. I don't have work until the evening today, though, so I stayed up and waited for him.

We laid in bed together and talked about boot fantasies. I'd told him some of mine before, and he thought they were hot and eventually started having those fantasies, too. He ground his knee into me as we talked about it, and then rolled me on my back and started fingering me.

Gods it felt so good.

By the time he decided to take me, fucking the hell out of me as only he can, I was cumming and cumming and cumming. I screamed and shrieked and looked into his intense, gorgeous eyes. Holy fuck, that man never ceases to amaze me. We fit together so perfectly.

I love him so damned much.

My poor pussy is so sore, but writing all of this has got me turned on again. Sucks that Master has to run off to work...

On Wednesday, the couple meets Master for the first time, and then they are spending the night. 

It's realy hard, staying up so late when I work a lot of mornings, but I want Master to take me again. Might have to collapse tonight, though. Two doms and a really hot sub who loves to egg things on, and me, tomorrow. 

I'm so fucked.

In the best of ways. 

Sometimes, life is good. Very good. 

It started with a visit to go hiking in the redwoods and take some photos. 

"Pack some toys, just in case the mood strikes."

A day and a half later, and I'm home. I keep thinking of this or that moment, and it takes my breath away.

What a beautiful weekend. What an amazing time. So much bonding, healing. So many orgasms. So much trust. I won't go into a ton of details, out of respect for them and their privacy. But oh... oh my gods...

On Wednesday they meet Ashigeru. Oh gods, please let them all get along! Please! 

I could even dare to dream of chasing a herd of unicorns and hope for a foursome, hah.

But it isn't just about sex and hot scenes. It's about bonding, connection. It's about finding pack. It's about feeling that I could, actually, really, have that leather family I've always wished for. 

If only they weren't on the other side of the planet. Fuck. Or maybe "FAHWK" as they would say. 

He's given me orders to polish my boots. The things he whispered in my ear as he bent me over the trunk of my car, right there in the zoo parking lot... he didn't do anything inappropriate really, nothing lewd. But the things he said as he pressed himself against me. Gods. 

I want my pack. I want my Master feeling safe and secure and happy with a family of good lifestyle people. I want my porch-cat beastie to learn to trust and come in from the rain when he can stand it, knowing there is a warm home that will always welcome him, a safe place. I want my submissive friend to have a place to come and let go from time to time, where he can feel cared for and be his punk-ass playful bratty self. I want my dying partner to be surrounded by warmth and love and care from us all, but I know that part will never happen.

But really, really, I want my Master and I want this thing that is growing with this dom-sub couple from the other side of the world.

She, the sub, has said she will fly me there, when I can get the time off work, to stay with them. He says they'll have the dungeon ready. I am absolutely floored. They would do this thing! They would fly me to them! 

A wise friend of mine said, "don't break your eggs before they hatch." 

And so, I am doing my best to not flinch and brace myself and build walls because I know they are leaving to go home and I know they won't be able to physically touch me, to curl up in a pile together, link arms with me, stroke me, let me taste and groom them. I know it's coming. They will leave. They will be half a world away from me. Literally. 8,000 miles away. 

But life is pain. Joy ultimately comes with loss, too. There is suffering, but without living, you never get those highs, either, and then what reason do you have to live?

I know I'm foolish for breaking my personal policy. No long distance relationships. They lead to frustration and heartbreak.

But sometimes, even if you know it'll hurt in the end, you have to roll with life. You have to live. You have to reach out and grow and be in the moment. 

For now, I finally got the fuck-knots out of my hair.

He said to me, "well, you can brush it out, but you know I'm just going to knot it all up again." 

I hope they love Ashigeru. I hope he loves them.

But if they like and respect one another, that will still be enough. A 4-way bond is almost unheard of. Sure, it can happen, but so VERY rarely. It would be amazing and magical and the best. But if they are okay with each other, it'll do. 

Time to sleep. I've work to do, tomorrow. And then I've a pair of tall black leather boots to put on. 

We're going to go corrupt Haight Street. 

Think I found a pretty damned ideal potential secondary.
I'm even thick and thieves with his primary already. We instantly got along, like we'd been friends forever.

Of course, they're only visiting, from fucking AUSTRALIA. 

Whyyyyy??? They are only here for 11 more days, and I may be getting the flu.

Played with him 8 years ago, before I met my Master.

We played in Mr S Leather the other night. Flogging in the flogger bay. 

Going to sleep now, hopefully. If I don't come down with the flu tomorrow, I'll be playing in the redwoods!

I'm scared, though, that I'll bond really closely with them both, only to lose them. 

Rambly post here, but bear with me. Skip down to the ***s if you want to get to the important stuff.

So, I've been realizing that I'm really just not very much involved with the "normal" world any more.

I went to a party and was weirded out.

Nobody was naked!

Nobody was screaming or even moaning!

Nobody was chained up or striking anybody with a flogger!

I was at a loss. OK, we can talk about stock options or something, Steven. Hi Karen, how are your rose bushes doing? Gosh, traffic sure is bad these days!

I suppose vanilla parties tend to involve people drinking a lot of booze and grilling shit.

Mind you, I've hosted my share of vanilla parties. Generally they involved excellent food and a lot of conversation about life, the universe, and everything. I haven't hosted a "let's all get drunk" party since my early 20s. Maybe it's not that I'm not at all vanilla. Maybe it's that I'm getting old?

Anyway, turns out I was only kind of right, since there turned out to be a dungeon downstairs. Nobody was using it when I was there, but it was a thing that was there. Nice padded St Andrew's Cross, spanking bench, futon with soft blankets, some floggers laying about. I don't even end up at parties hosted by actual vanilla people, lol!

It was nice to see a bunch of old friends, and I found a bunch of fellow kinksters were there, but I was home before midnight. I really don't drink much at all, except when Master and I crack open a bottle of the mead he brews. I almost never go out and drink. Bars aren't my thing. I don't like the loss of control. I want to be able to escape safely any time I want. I want to be clear-headed, and able to give informed consent- or revoke consent. 

 

***

Sometimes I will go to a private BDSM play party, and there will be booze there. I think, for people who have a high tolerance for alcohol, a small glass of wine or a single beer is probably OK, but for me, I won't even go that far. I want to be stone cold sober, and I want my partner to be, as well. I might take a small amount of painkillers, but only enough to help with my chronic pain, not enough to impair my judgement, or ability to tell if something is harming me. 

Drinking and playing with a new partner is just out of the question for me. I learned about the lifestyle in the 1990s, and in the mixed gender BDSM scene, drinking and playing was a HUGE no. It was different in the gay leather scene, and that's still a problem, but thankfully here in SF we have a movement to change that- there's even a Mr Sober Leather contest, which I think is awesome!

Really, alcohol shatters lives so often. BDSM is very much like driving a car- you could do someone serious harm. You could kill someone. You could get seriously harmed or killed. Don't mix the two. Please.

You can always ask Jay Wiseman about it. He's flown all over the country as an expert witness for BDSM-related deaths. These are murder trials, even though they are mostly accidental deaths, and a lot of them DO end in manslaughter charges, even murder charges. Whether or not you like Jay, you should hear some of his stories.

Recently he told me about one where a really drunk person was fisted so roughly they started bleeding. Too drunk to know when to tell the person to stop. Too out of it, too numb, hardly even conscious. Alcohol makes you bleed a lot more, too. They BLED TO DEATH. 

DON'T PLAY IMPAIRED, PEOPLE. It is not worth it. If you can only make yourself play if you aren't sober, YOU ARE NOT READY TO PLAY.