Ev's kink corner

I'm a sentimental soul.

I get attached. I love. I feel guilty. I worry about making final, hard decisions, letting go of possibilities. I fall prey to the fawn response, and when I've loved someone, especially, I have a very difficult time setting boundaries when things need to decisively end.

And so, as a result, though my ex dumped me almost a year ago, he left open the possibility of getting back together some time in the future. Having spent enough time around him, I knew that any honeymoon period would eventually dissolve into freak-outs, anger, and emotional attacks. It is a constant cycle with him, in most aspects of his life- something new is great, it's all gonna be good from now on. It'll be different this time. This time is really it. Then something small will happen, or maybe not so small, but not PERFECT, you know, and he'll start spiraling into anger, despair, he'll give up on the thing, usually with a fair amount of anger and an attempt to leave a big exit wound. In that state, he'll lash out at anyone who is near, trying to do as much damage as possible. Yeah. And he isn't willing to get mental healthcare of any kind. So.

You shouldn't have to pay the price of pain, of a degradation of your self-esteem, of fear, of stress, of enduring someone's fits of rage, to "earn" their love and the good times when they make you laugh and smile. And also? The price for being protected from others shouldn't be not being safe from the person who is supposed to be protecting you. Really. Truly. It shouldn't be. 

So, even though I cared about him, he proved to me, time and time again, what the pattern really was. I was avoiding being the one to set that final "it's not going to happen, ever again" boundary. Maybe it's hard for me as a sub, maybe it's hard because, like I said, I'm sentimental. I'm loyal, more than I should be, sometimes. I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to make sure my family is safe, and that I'm safe, and my misfiring "fawn" response tells me to placate, please, and keep my head down. 

But sometimes you just have to do it, stand up, and say, "I'm sorry. Part of me will always want you and love you, but we aren't good for each other. It was really bad for my mental health, being with you and trying to weather your rages. I can't do that again. I'm working on pursuing healthy, safe relationships. I deserve to be safe and happy and not abused. I can't go there with you again. I have to say no, but I really hope that you can get the help you need."

It was painful, and there will be painful processing, but I also feel a weight has been lifted. I don't have to worry about deflecting and fending anything off. I can much more firmly say "no." I don't have to worry about being tempted into something toxic with him again- I was quite clear. He was having an ok day, so he didn't try to damage me, and we parted ways kindly.

And I feel even more free to reach for healthy relationships with good people. Relationships where I can be good for them, and they can be good for me. Relationships with mature people who will, of course, have flaws, but who will also be willing to do the work. Relationships that are mutually respectful, considerate, and loving, like the one I have with my beloved Ashigeru.

Sometimes we have to say goodbye to what we wish could have been, to make better room for something truly good that is real and here and now, and potential that CAN be nurtured into fruition in this life, not in dreams of another life. 

May we all find the strength to let go of the attachments that cause us suffering, and to reach out and find our joy!