Hello dearies,
Auntie Ev has decided to share with you all some real life stories from back when she had an interesting life. Here is the first one.
Once upon a time, Auntie Ev was a wild babygoth teenager. She had to wear prescription sunglasses, because the bright Southern California sun hurt her pale eyes and partially blinded her. She wore a long black cloak.
She had a long black cloak because her mother wanted her to wear something warm. Mom wanted Auntie Ev to wear a sweater, but lo, sweaters were Super Uncool. Auntie Ev wanted a badass leather jacket, but Mom was worried people would "think things" if she wore something so butch.
"But Mom," Auntie Ev replied, "those things would be true. I have a girlfriend."
In those days, Auntie Ev was in love with a riot grrl. Riot grrls were grunge feminists who wore flannels and combat boots, shaved the sides of their heads, and listened to Nirvana and Hole. Auntie Ev's girlfriend eventually left Auntie Ev for her best friend, who then started a vampire cult and eventually moved to Florida to build a cult compound, as one does, I suppose.
Anyway, because sweaters were Super Uncool and leather jackets might Make People Think Things, Auntie Ev instead asked for a cloak. Black velour on the outside, some other thick black fabric on the inside. Auntie Ev's mom was Not The Sewing Type, but she made this kickass cloak, with a hood and a big wide three-quarter circle sweep and EVERYTHING. Auntie Ev still has this treasured cloak, which has had so many clasps sewn onto it over the years. Auntie Ev is even less of a Sewing Type.
Once, Auntie Ev was striding around, all intense and gothic after watching Interview with the Vampire or Bram Stoker's Dracula or some shit, wearing her sunglasses at night (so she could so she could) and she majestically crashed face first into a glass door in front of a bunch of people at a cafe. So cool.
So, Auntie Ev had already been to see Rocky Horror Picture Show at the all ages youth hall that didn't allow alcohol. She had slapped away the hand of a 20-something redheaded dude in a kilt. She had pretended to be a statue in downtown Santa Barbara next to lifelike actual statues, terrifying tourists by suddenly moving. She had ridden a shopping cart down the pier, and played tag in the graveyard in the middle of the night. Auntie Ev needed something NEW to do.
A friend of a friend suggesting something new- a live-action roleplaying game! Vampire the Masquerade, it was called. It was NEW! It involved VAMPIRES! And ACTING! Auntie Ev was intrigued.
Well, Auntie Ev went to this game, and must tell you that LARPing can be fun. The problem with LARPing is LARPers. O, my doves, the DRAMA.
Still, Auntie Ev might have really got into it, were it not for one issue. Blueberry Vodka Guy.
BVG (is that a disease?) had, you see, drunk altogether Too Much Vodka, and thus, we must return to the aforementioned problem with LARPing.
BVG looked at Auntie Ev. BVG saw the sunglasses and the black cloak. BVG saw Auntie Ev's budding acting skills. BVG was tatered, smashed, snookered, toasted, plastered, plowed, intoxicated, inebriated... BVG was drunk.
And BVG got An Idea.
BVG decided that, in his altered state, he had finally found it. His prey. What he had, for some time, been hunting.
BVG tottered and swayed, stumbled and staggered. BVG reached into the bed of his pickup truck. BVG retrieved a KEYRING of ACTUAL STAKES.
BVG then suddenly proceeded to attempt to MOTHERFUCKING STAKE AUNTIE EV.
Auntie Ev took exception to this.
THANKFULLY, Auntie Ev had a few things going for her-
1. Ribs and the breastbone are actually pretty thick bones.
2. Super drunk people are shit at fighting.
3. Incandescent rage combined with a CPTSD-(unrelated to this incident)-driven fight trauma response.
Auntie Ev broke that fucking stake out of BVG's hand. Auntie Ev stabbed BVG back. BVG was wearing a thick leather jacket. The jacket was super effective.
Auntie Ev called her parents and asked to be picked up. Auntie Ev went home, hiding the wound in her chest, because Mom was a battle-axe and would have gone on the warpath, and Auntie Ev did not want to give up her wild wandering ways.
And that, my dears, is why Auntie Ev, who is absolutely NOT a vampire, all rumors notwithstanding, got this scar over her heart.
Now, would you like another cuppa tea, my dumplings?