or: why insisting i can trust you will never make me trust you
i'm a late bloomer. i have high anxiety and spent most of my life being told all the ways i wasn't good enough, so i never even really tried dating in my teens and twenties. the upside to starting all this in your 30s is that you have a much better sense of who you are. the downside is you feel that much stupider for falling for someone's bullshit.
i'm also very trusting. growing up in a town without crime, where your whole extended family lives, has that effect on you. i try very hard to be honest, and i tend to assume the best about people and take them at their word.
but even if they're the minority, even if they're the VAST minority, the fact that i've ignored my gut to trust shitty men who swore they could be trusted means i cannot risk ignoring my gut anymore. if you set off those alarm bells and don't back off when i ask you to, you are now classified in my head as a danger.
the consequences of ignoring that have ranged from "just" a panic attack to a sociopathic meth head texting me, in detail, about how he was going to come to my house and rape me and get me pregnant* so like, when i tell you to slow down and you ignore me, you're blocked.
the nice, caring, deeply submissive, always needs to please part of me hates this policy. i hate it. i hate not giving people second chances, i hate taking away their opportunity to learn and grow and apologize, and i hate not being able to take people at their word.
a friend helped reframe this for me recently though: this isn't about me. this is about taking care of my future master or mistress's property- namely, my body and mind. thinking of it in those terms has made it so much easier to shut down men** who start with that "i'm just ignoring your boundaries cos i'm so excited to be with you!" nonsense.
*i'm safe, and he's an asshole
**i haven't been hit on by nearly as many women or enbys, but still: it's always dudes