i've been thinking a lot about why i love being called a good girl so much, and i think i've finally nailed it. a lifetime of qualified praise and flat out being told i was disappointing means being told with no qualifiers that i'm pleasing someone is like, the most unattainable thing i can imagine.
it was never just "you did a good job on this" because it was always "here's all the ways you should have done better." it was never "i know you tried and i'm proud of you" because it was always "you're wasting your potential and it's disappointing to watch."
i think a lot of it is an adhd thing- the things that look easy are incredibly hard for me to do (so i never fully succeed), and the things that look hard come to me very easily (so there's no apparent effort). for instance, i could never do my homework but one time i decided i wanted to learn how to sew and made a complex renaissance dress in three weeks. it didn't feel hard to me though, so all the praise i got for it felt misplaced.
being told i'm a good girl makes me feel safe and warm and cared for, in a way that nobody has ever cared for me. cared for as in treated with care, treated like something unique and breakable but worthy. i used to settle for being useful, but every time i'm told i'm a good girl i know i'm so much more than that.
