New Experiences

I know this can be a touchy subject but i feel it needs to be addressed. I overthink a lot, it's in my nature, i can't help it. I've been doing some reflecting on my past year and experience in bdsm. I've come to the conclusion that i have issues with rules regarding masturbating and orgasms.

I've always been very sexual and learned long ago how much stress is relieved with orgasms. For the past several months I've been feeling more and more out of control, lost, stressed, etc. To the point that there are some days im just completely emotionally unstable. I realized that the start of this decline lines up with the time i stopped masturbating every day. As i did so less and less, my mental health declined more and more. 

Sure i should have realized this sooner but I'm glad i did now. I'm stubborn and try to keep up a tough exterior as that is what is demanded of me in my personal life. I hate admitting to a problem with what i perceived as a simple and standard task.

Anyway, my point is... everyone is different and everyone's needs are different. What is standard for one may not work for others.

I'm pretty late writing this; actually a week late but better late than never. 

I've been in and out of the bdsm community for many years, about 17 years but I still consider myself new. There is so much to explore and I feel like I'm finally getting the chance to do that.

Last weekend I got to see and experience some firsts. I wasn't really surprised by the amount and variation of toys my Dom has but there were definitely some things I've never seen before and all of them I'm curious about. 

I wish I wasn't so nervous all the time but as we quickly discovered, give me something to do, something to focus on and I settle down. I guess you could say I'm very task oriented and i really do love rules even though there are some I definitely struggle with.

The biggest take away from my visit was my discovery of subspace. I was NOT expecting it and actually rather surprised it happened. I've been spanked before but not like this. I have a lot of trust in my Dom so I decided I was going to push myself. I had never gotten past the initial sting of things. Everyone previously pretty much stopped when i squirmed out of position or didn't take it very far. I was determined to push past the initial sting and boy was i surprised when it really started feeling good. Everything felt good and I wanted more but didn't ask for it; i didn't think it was wise to ask for more the first time. Baby steps. I was in a happy daze for hours afterwards. I think I was about half way through my hours long drive home that my happy high finally wore off.

I think I really needed it. It was an experience and release of tension I had never felt before and it made my work week a breeze. I will also say that my confusion and feelings of being lost dissipated after that weekend. I think i just needed to know where I stand and what direction I'm going. Aaaand that's it for now; I should have been asleep over an hour ago. 😋