Sarah’s world

I experience this like an addiction.  A big big high like crack cocaine, connecting not only w the other person but also accessing my own pure joy and creativity in music and life and writing- and then, when over subsequent days the person pulled away, a total crash.  I tried to get them to call me, and became more and more pathetic.  Then the men started to blur together and I chatted w a few others (just friends but needing attention), and contacted a man/friend from my past.  Nothing enough.  Feeling attached to the one so can’t act out w others, don’t want to, not even w myself.  
also beautiful comings backs to myself, quite deep, but then again becoming pathetic! How sad to abandon me.  Luckily I can keep coming back to me, and just go ahead abd feel whatever I neee to feel: stupid pathetic sad angry whatever.  I am grateful. Ana Maria had such patience w me and I knew what to do and could accept her help.  Very beautiful.  And now I find myself looking at my dad online, reading what people posted, including MY SON oh dear did that break my heart. “I miss you everyday grandpa, I wish you were..” Me too, I’d like to host him he always made me feel very good about my cooking.  My dad deserved more time with his grandkids man, he would’ve loved to be here fuck. Sad.  But as my daddy goes through hell medically, I know my dad said he’d NEVER want to go through any of that- would rather die.  

it was so fun dancing w my dad. I never studied tango but if the lead is good it can seem that I do know how to dance!  SO fun.  But he didn’t want to know the inner me. Once I very vulnerable gave me my journal and he gave it back unopened. 

Thankyou to anyone who reads me, and reflects or comments.  I am not looking for advice, I just want to be heard and felt.  If someone likes my writing that will mean a lot.  And as I come back to me this morning - I see that it’s ME who must love me read me and so on.  I am my own best lover altho I do intend to connect w others as possible but from that space of internal connection and love. 

has anyone seen the piano? It is highly erotic and somewhat violent very beautiful 

I haven’t liked the word “play,” felt too not deep to me.  Play schmay I’d say , I want something SERIOUS REAL a real mind fuck so to speak.  Let’s get into the shit. Let’s go back in time, please come with me into my childhood and help me

But suddenly the words ok by me,I was just doing my homework/reading for my isha program and I read “the permanence takes hold on a much deeper level, allowing us to PLAY with change from a place of internal security and trust…..”. Ohhhhhh, ok, she changed my mind, I now may be ok with the word play.  In fact maybe I like it, so long as it still has great depth.  

here is a song that my dad wud play to wake us up out of our tents when camping in door county. He’s start it very soft and then grow louder and louder. My brother the musician chose to play it at his funeral there were many people there.  I am not aure I had a deep connection with my dad (no) but I am proud that he helped many as an independent thinking doctor and person tanguero musician woodworker avid reader you could “feed”him books.  Probably nothing could entice me to drink again except if I were allowed to relive the beer festival we attended together in Madison.  In that case I would make an exception. I feel sad 

Hmmm, first orgasm, didn’t even know what it was, didn’t know how sex worked.  Anyway good movie, beautiful song 

“I’m never coming back”

Oh boy this song gets me in some kinda way.  No words just a feeling.  FUCK

heading to the horse farm, I hope Wasabi will like me today, I want him for a friend.  I like that he kicks down fences haha

This is my current vibe it reminds me of George Winston that my mom loved (fuck) and my dad thought was uber boring ha.  With all my supposed daddy issues, who do I cry out to involuntarily in my expressions?  My MOTHER (whom I hate- which just means very hurt by).  Interesting.  Hmmm this is a vibration I’m not aure I’ve felt before.  Ladies and gwntlemen, Thankyou for those that have loved this caterpillar but I think I’m about to turn into a butterfly! ?❤️????or ?as my daddy wud say

So I think I just went deeper than I ever have in my mtg OMG.  And I have this desire to blend these communities, to bring someone in to try it (isha judd system).  Anyway, I will pay the $100 fee for anyone here who is interested to do the 4 hr seminar.  After that it’s free.  So nothing to lose (except 4 hrs of your time, but cmon who hasn’t wasted 4 hrs on some stupid show or whatever

wait- is this an inappropriate post in some way?  If so I apologize and will take down.  I do not want to advertise something, just feeling very moved, so let me know please if I have misstepped 

Mmmm I expressed and I am IN MY BODY (this makes me cry) rocking still but very gentle and stretching.  I can be good to me.  Still sad but at peace.  Didn’t think I could go deeper but I did!  Found a new internal space, how exciting!  Held Isha’s hand and went deeper deeper like she talks about when she actually had a moment of panic scuba diving.  Take me with you please (out of desperation and abandonment of self) then through Ari’s slightly annoyed prodding’s I stayed with Isha in the black bottom of the ocean like the book my mom gave me as a little child with pop out weird ass fish the kind that exist with no light at the bottom.  They welcomed me (touches me, sometimes the trees reachout to me too).  I WENT DEEPER!  Didn’t think I could.  I LET GO!  Despite the choke hold this thing of attachment has on me.  It will come back but I can keep coming back to me.  HOW FUCKING COMFORTING is that?!  😄  I screamed, I hit, I did a pataleta, I TOOK DIRECTION, I rocked and rocked and was present with me and I cuddled my comfort item and gave myself a rainbow brite doll (recurring, I think I will have to fine one).  Beautiful beautiful beautiful … the man I want isn’t here to hold me but it’s beautiful - I can hear I can feel I can love even breathing feels so lovely..  how is it possible to have this pleasure when I didn’t get what I wanted?  How interesting.  Now if something comes it will be the icing whereas I already have the cake lol.  What a beautiful process. I know I probably annoy people when I keep talking about it but it has been the best thing in the whole wide world for me and I’m so fucking grateful.  I really want to share it with someone, if anyone will give it a try I will pay your entry fee. 

I wrote a love letter to a boy in third grade at recess (Shelly wrote one to Josh and I to David) We put them in their lockers Josh ridiculed Shelly and David ignored me

Since I was never reflected I’d rather be ridiculed. I need to feel that I exist!

desperate in the roller rink 5th grade wanted Nick so bad but he chose a beautiful red haired girl Kristen I can see why but oh the pain..

hiding in bathroom stalls in middle school SO jealous of the girl with her hand in her boyfriends back pocket Sometimes when I go back I just shoot the baby that is me

frequently walking outside wishing a man would take me into his house, always having fantasies of my friends dad or when I’m babysitting the dad there 

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid 

chunk it off and push it away

or feel it: apparently I’m supposed to learn how to grow comfortable in the abyss.  But I don’t understand God because I thought I was supposed to turn around and connect with people after all? Sad sad no control How did I fall in this trap again? I thought I was beyond it I have my consciousness though or sometimes I do

Back to the ground only the cool walls to feel Unable

to get the pain I need worse maybe then being unable to orgasm in a dream Only pleasant option to

choose is surrender but this shit I hold onto

Turn around, walk away, it’s ok to be sad Feel the bark of the tree and cuddle

NOTHING

I will never again choose w man where I’m not seen 

Even if I stay alone I usually like being alone it’s just if you give me a taste of something delicious it’s hard for me to not keep trying to get it again

Now I understand what my ex husband said about taking it all away