Sarah’s world

I wrote a love letter to a boy in third grade at recess (Shelly wrote one to Josh and I to David) We put them in their lockers Josh ridiculed Shelly and David ignored me

Since I was never reflected I’d rather be ridiculed. I need to feel that I exist!

desperate in the roller rink 5th grade wanted Nick so bad but he chose a beautiful red haired girl Kristen I can see why but oh the pain..

hiding in bathroom stalls in middle school SO jealous of the girl with her hand in her boyfriends back pocket Sometimes when I go back I just shoot the baby that is me

frequently walking outside wishing a man would take me into his house, always having fantasies of my friends dad or when I’m babysitting the dad there 

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid 

chunk it off and push it away

or feel it: apparently I’m supposed to learn how to grow comfortable in the abyss.  But I don’t understand God because I thought I was supposed to turn around and connect with people after all? Sad sad no control How did I fall in this trap again? I thought I was beyond it I have my consciousness though or sometimes I do

Back to the ground only the cool walls to feel Unable

to get the pain I need worse maybe then being unable to orgasm in a dream Only pleasant option to

choose is surrender but this shit I hold onto

Turn around, walk away, it’s ok to be sad Feel the bark of the tree and cuddle

NOTHING

I will never again choose w man where I’m not seen 

Even if I stay alone I usually like being alone it’s just if you give me a taste of something delicious it’s hard for me to not keep trying to get it again

Now I understand what my ex husband said about taking it all away 

Man I just want to wear a great flowy skirt and tank and dance barefoot for hours at a party in the field and lose myself.  Maybe I will get it out of my system and I’ll be able to accomplish some things lol:)

The Vicious Kind 

the Story of O

the Secretary (just watched kindergarten teacher w Maggie gyllenhal love her 

hmmm trying to remember more 

and here’s a song I’m listening to currently which moves me:)❤️

The imagery unbearable avert your eyes divert your thoughts like from alcohol too painful if you cannot have it so turn and

see her picture of outer space, we will have tea there my dad and I at a floating table 

I’m a free electron not attached I became detached as can happen no grounding no nucleus no magnet and the desire to connect is extreme but it is quite beautiful to swim in the blackness too

accidentally on purpose spilling hot water on her she felt shocked but later enjoyed the burn the redness and sometimes will tip a little on herself when no ones looking before making her tea 

There are the Creators and the Appreciators (kindergarten teacher

I wanna bang my head against the wall. Part of me is aware it’s a drama and even a silly one- not very deep

Unreal but still -I want to feel myself bleed!!

Why? Enough already! Time out 

Tomorrow I’ll smoke, slender white sticks between my lips- two 

Then I will let go, maybe 

Am I dying? Memories float up - I should’ve kissed Alayna when we were painting on her floor 

Again the the pink jean jacket gun appears so I hold it and 

She strokes the dirty porcelain face of her rainbow brite doll, smooths the orange stringy hair 

I would buy her those white slip on sandals

Sit RIGHT next to her at the dinner table while she ate the largest portion of creamed fish with Lawrys salt and green peas 

Bring her a man to save her from the bathroom stall where she hid

I will save you Sarah, we don’t need another 

another stunning alt j song❤️

Another’s share of bjork all is full of love which I’m still listening to on repeat- made me see this, my wall hanging, which I usually ignore, which is a frequency painting for self love. I am enjoying the hearts and design and color.. yay.. also just colored a beautiful design w beautiful markers..  so satisfying..  color..  shape..  Thankyou Thankyou thankyou

He said I didn’t try but I filled the sink w water and asked him to hold my head under

asked him to pin me against the wall “I need to feel your strength 

angel mermaid facilitators hold me to the ocean floor erika Ari Francesco Larry Ana milena Ana Maria 

ankles wrists legs shoulders om the profound depth of being 

adding wet sand on top of my limbs 

but I still float up!  A yellow balloon not a girl 

anchor in your heart I am my child self my white sweatshirt w the bird on front and turquoise leggings and glasses -serious desperate ready willing 

 I like this song sometimes it helps me connect to my sadness

My wing is clipped 

I sit in the nest and hope he comes back to feed me

but he may not and then the little bird will die

Are you my Daddy? Said she to the Snort