Sarah’s world

To give to myself wasn’t a thing I had known. To surround myself in beauty, color, geometric shapes and comfort?  No. To choose my own preference?  And it be allowed to go through?! When I’d been taught I’m almost always wrong unless she told me I was right?  This is redemption.  This, glory.  So simple, so regressed, so wonderful. I am ready now to welcome my rainbow brite doll.  And I only want to add MORE color and MORE shapes until there is no white space left at all (she loved white walls above all).  I feel silly but the good feeling is undeniable.  My room.  It took five months to believe I was worth it but it did come to fruition just as I had hoped, even better!  And now I have my creative healing space - I’ve come a long way from nights on the short brown couch!  I hope to camp soon but this time it will be from desire and not necessity.  

This song touches me, played in Afterlife season 3 first episode, such a great show, love Ricky gervais:) The tenderness 

My joy abounds.  I am happy.  He wants me to be HAPPY (feel).  I have gone away, I have floundered.  I come back to my open cage where my Daddy holds me and I feel at peace.  Still I can fly, still explore, knowing He is there He is there.  I didn’t imagine it.  It was challenged and I failed but I have learned as well.  I can’t leave, I don’t want to. The wanting, the patheticness- it can go now.  I already had it!  I just forgot, Daddy says I forget a lot and must be reminded.  Ohh how I love to be REMINDED.  I think I still need him, although things have gotten much easier.  I don’t have to worry about sex anymore (feel) or my salvation through it - if he is sexual with me then I must NEVER say no and if he isn’t then I must focus and do what is in front of me to do.  And not throw a fit or become manipulative.  I am comforted, I am well, listening to thunder rain sounds and knowing He will again contact me if I am good.  I have grown in my understanding of submission, I know what I have to do.  And what I must refrain from.  I am a very lucky girl. I was treated incredibly well given what I have done and I will now show my allegiance to Him. 

A dissociated self, an imaginary friend, who is able to morph from the mother I am and would want to the older male figure I craved and bet my salvation on, to a dear friend to a lesbian lover. 
But the lover I dream of, he is over me as I lay on my back, pinning my arms above my head and hopefully will come down to kiss me I need to put my tongue in his mouth, and I will fall open to Him.  Arching up moving He will have me completely I long to give myself to him. It doesn’t matter his preferences I will take it take Him accommodate him and please him if I can. Whether he inflicts pleasure or pain I will be grateful so grateful to him.  For letting me open to him for filling me and invading me for giving expression to and releasing that pain inside.  I will only breathe if he says so I will be very very good.  Please please please please 

I have red flannel sheets coming which remind me of Lauren- small dark smiling and vibrant. I made a move to go down on her once while spooning her on her bed and watching tv.  She gave me a shy look and stopped me but said she’d always been more attracted to women than to men although men “seem to want to fuck me.”  Lauren’s apartment exuded color and WARMTH, I really liked being there, and her bed was made with soft flannel sheets and a velour blanket.  She later gave me a lilac colored velour blanket “since you loved mine so much.”  I should’ve taken her hand in yoga class, I wanted to very much but I wasn’t sure (did she like me? Like that?) Later we talked about it, when we were dating briefly, and she said she would’ve died/loved it. There were comfort items everywhere at her place and these were new to me because my mom disapproved of them, my mom preferred only white colored walls and basically uncomfortable things.  I would like to sit at Lauren’s rustic wooden dining room table and again eat matzo ball soup with her that we made together.  

Dreampt it was the day of my divorce.  Met a man randomly very handsome and at first patient but then too aggressive.  Finally extremely aggressive and I had to fight my way out but then wanted him back regardless.  Then my ex husband was there and I was able to make peace with him and give him a nice hug.  I hope he manifests a lovely woman and I can host both for dinner.  I am grateful for him being there and a male influence for my children still.  I can show this gratitude today by paying his overdraft fee I think he overdrew our account which we haven’t closed yet.  Also in the dream I got a job at costco or some dumb shit lol.  Really dream fairies?  I couldn’t have been a fabulous singer or something? I think I am meant to become more productive, contribute more, harness my energies for good, not fuck around too much haha.  Fuck around a little though!

Kinda funny- had an isha meeting and felt silenced but his direction was spot on for me in this moment- I was told EXERCISE, say facets, and that I’m creating drama but I’m actually a-okay.  Actually good. Wasn’t sure but I don’t think Francesco has ever been wrong about me.  He can even channel my parts pretty well.  So I had to swallow my pride and my STORY and try.  And verdicts in- he’s right!  Had a pretty rockin dance party/sorta strip show all by my lonesome in my mirror, workin it in my apartment alone haha.  Worked up a little sweat lookin superfly (sometimes) and like a total dumbass mostly but I’m moving so all good baby 

here’s me.. becoming happy… ain’t fallin down that rabbit hole this time man.  You can just walk around? Interesting.  No need to throw myself off a cliff?  Huh..  we’ll let’s try that then haha

Lol like having a full on hard on?  For me it’s the attachment. Lol and not lol it can cause a lot of pain for many people.  Instant “I love you’s,” oversharing and men thinking it means one thing “we have this! It is special! It is unique!” when it doesn’t/it’s happened before for me.  It’s stunningly beautiful though.  And is it more harmful than having a raging hard on for a gorgeous girl?  I dont know, I fear it is.  My consciousness is beginning to touch on it though which will save pain for everyone.  I am grateful.  I am grateful. I am grateful.  

And, I did an interesting exercise yesterday from one of Teal’s workshops- she had a woman who kept picking the wrong partners write HOME on a piece of paper and list everything/all the words that come to mind.  On mine I wrote COLD angry not ok don’t exist not heard food rice lack of love unhappy false HIDE… and such things.  Then she had us cross out “home” and replace w “love,” as in my association with love, what I think love is, is: cold, angry, not heard etc….  Interesting. She said when you feel MAJOR attraction it might be something to pass by unless you want a “learning relationship” ha.  She said real love or a better match than what you might choose based off of a fucked up definition of love from childhood feels good, it’s not boring, but it’s more like a relief settled EXHALE….   And that it’s possible to both have yourself AND a relationship, I have always struggled with this too since I wasn’t allowed to have myself as a child.  So I felt that EXHALE for sure the other night with my daddy, but then I failed to stay feeling connected.  The disconnection happens fast for me especially when feeling so needy.  Yesterday was amazing with my daughter but then suddenly quite difficult as she brought up some difficult stuff from the past and I was exhausted.  My daddy was so responsive helpful and spot on in his advice re: her.  I really appreciate that though he’s never met my children it really feels I have help with them and he keeps their best interests in mind first.  

Anyway, both the Teal thing and my daddy were helpful and I feel seriously grateful to have found the right help for me after choosing many things that I found unhelpful and even harmful.  But Teal also makes my head hurt haha she is so smart.  Very clear too but for me I just need to feel feel feel.  I am glad there’s an isha meeting today❤️

“Invisible.. do what you want.. do what you want..

ah to lay at the feet of my daddy while he works and just wrap myself around his legs if he lets me just hold on.  If he tries to shake me off I want to cling on like a child does and throw a fit or just mutely hang on.  If he wants something a drink? his charger? I hope he’ll just bark Get me a lemonade Sarah or Go and do the dishes now babygirl, Make us dinner.. Get the rope- I don’t want him to ask nicely.  I can bring it or do whatever it is and then lay back down by his feet, just “take rest” as my yoga teacher used to say.

any Radiohead fans?  This black and white video is cool I like his moves I like to dance like this just weird, just however I feel it

I moved a lot after being judged by several here.  But  I still feel it and luckily it is coming out now with music and in tears.  Feeling.  I can say a facet- love creates me in my perfection.  I ordered two new teal frequency wall hangings I’m so excited, when picking which frequencies these jumped out so clearly and the second made me immediately bawl: JOY (! My mother always said “I don’t care if you’re happy I just want you to be safe”) and AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP (to go right above my head on my bed❤️).  I don’t want to live in self hate, what an incredibly destructive coping mechanism I learned.  Such a program, a rut, but I’ve made much much progress with the isha system.  “I don’t belong anywhere!” I cry out and she says “you belong here, and anyway that’s just an idea.”  I come back again and again to my heart.  My daughter re-did our living room and inspired me to finally clean and settle into my room.  I am so happy about this it is truly magnificent.  To place things here that are meaningful and special to me, to arrange color and meaning, to think I am worth it, and in looking through things I found my dads favorite quotes from his funeral and a book or two I wrote as a very small child!  Interesting they are already about this type of dynamic I believe.  Thankyou for letting me express here.  I have hidden for so long and now want to be out in the world and just move when triggered.  Today my daughter and I enrolled her for online school, I feel nervous about it but really good too. She told me today why she has me sleep by her “because of how grandpa died (out of nowhere in his sleep),” she’s monitoring me so I don’t die “I love you so much mom please don’t die.”  She wants online bc of drama with girls at school, I support her I wish someone had taken me out of school.  And she’s smart we’ll get her work done quickly and spend much more time at the horse farm??❤️?

I want live with death in mind each day- to live fully.  

Here are pictures from my book I wrote as a little child and the quotes my dad liked which were shared at his funeral.