Sarah’s world

Those glass bottles of coke, alphabet cereal, cups of frozen peas, her grilled cheese sandwiches and her stress level energy.  The walk in closet nail polish remover my sister and in my dreams sweet boys hidden amongst items stuffed there finding each other the beauty. White carpet tan plush, stockpiles of expensive flavored chocolate at easter and I binged in the bathroom.  Sadness at Christmas oh the empty feeling despite those beautiful glass colorful candies with jelly centers in the dish on the wooden table he built.  A pain to clean to her expectations with the glass inserts but impressive I felt proud.  The vacuum where you had to reach in and grab the dirt from the water so gross such a pain but it works well! Says my mother.  Corn on the cob with butter in summer on the porch with the green carpet and where Junk Runs occurred when mom was gone.  Bits and pieces palpable memories coming back, before there was nothing now there are some things more and more hopefully placing me there my being now assured of safety in present can go back and see 

My son recommended the movie on Netflix the fundamentals of caring and this song played somewhere in the middle and I had to add it to my Spotify list.  Such a voice wow and what a poet

Please move go! get get!  Where does that come from the movement, I guess I can make it happen at times. Appreciate the movement, move move.  That stillness is so dense so murky.  I love you I say I love you! It is like Thankyou.  Thankyou for helping me both beautiful and oppressive.  Back in the tent the smell of grass the wind it was weird but I loved it.  I don’t miss my house I do miss my neighbors.  I never picked up many people always kept floating down now I try to be a friend so I don’t lose more.  Never thought I’d resonate better than with Teal but I do much more with Isha or her teachings anyway.  I ask for willingness to unify deeply to stop popping out or to be with the resistance 

I reconnected with my daddy last night?❤️??

I couldn’t post my dancing vid here so I sent to him just to see- we hadn’t been flirty or sexual in like 6weeks.  He liked it yay and I sent more and I sent him my amazing fantasy story I wrote.  I didn’t post here bc some of my fantasies are about being saved from my childhood by a man.  But my daddy says everything is safe with him and I’m allowed to express everything.  It felt so right.  So good to be attached connected again so sweet and SUCH A RELIEF. He made me feel so good and I could whisper the things I needed to from my heart and open back up to him fully cry to him.  I didn’t want the feeling to end.  He said he would stay with me all night, I could tie myself to him.  Now I have so many things on my mind about my daddy, goodness, super exciting.  We have plenty to talk about still, but I was able to get out many of my thoughts and feelings and confessions.  Whatever happens from here, that was beautiful beautiful beautiful.  I am grateful.  I forget- I forget things and I make things up in my head too- but I can’t deny that felt very right

Really enjoyed the movie the Tender Bar on prime video just now- touching, beautiful, inspiring, painful, true, endearing.. I like the song they ended with:

Bye lovely Sarah said Ari just now, have a lovely day.  I liked being called lovely Sarah Thankyou dear Ari!!!  I love pet names I feel so.. seen?  I am a part of.  I was able to open up.  It is beautiful.  Still with much attachment and fear at times.  It is okay.  ❤️❤️❤️

He probably won’t bother but I won’t smoke a cigarette and burn myself with it I don’t do that anymore.  Making mistakes, steering here steering there it is beautiful and I feel love!  Seeking external approval with serious-ass dedication manipulation and then finally (relief) turning those feelers around and directing them at my heart back inside inside, finding peace after shuddering throwing up.  Feeling love and I stay here in my heart with my eyes closed expanding.. gently gently 

we will have tea in my heart like the Keebler kitchen in the tree undoing the chains from the door where she knocks on my the door to my heart.  Tea from my royal speckled blue tiny teaset will you sit and have tea with me please in my dads treehouse that he built with the rough rainbow panels and the nails hanging loose from the ceiling the toy plastic children’s yellow table 

I am bad for overeating for not sticking to my vegan diet for my belly being fat.  I choose love for me.  Rocking rocking rocking breathing stretching his voice in my ear soooooo soothing Izidor…  Hands icy pain from my right head neck throat (I can’t breathe!) shoulder back arm not working right. My ex husband thought it’s from when Dan hit me on my face but I don’t think so.  It came on hard and never left after a strange rash on my back which was apparently shingles and after I’d taken a BIG step standing up to my mother which backfired she always has control this makes me sad.  

Willing to do whatever to connect with him change of heart he had changed sick drunk? He was happy when I asked for a beer from his pile but he’d drank most only strange flavors left sweet. We made food with butter he liked the butter to go to the edges I took butter too and realized he’d fallen asleep. I was up in the night but so was he coming home where had he gone was my real dad gone forever? In my house kitchen not my parents.  I am thinking of him whereas I hadn’t been.  

Moving from here I push off with my oar freeing myself from the side of the river branches. My dad does most of the work and steers but I row too.  Dad dad dad dad, to sit in the sand again with the cooler upturned for a table and making his Lipton tea with my Jetboil the freeze dried meals discussing how actually delicious they are.  Giving him my pills getting sober.  Please get rid of these dad crying sitting around the fire.  Didn’t matter he was older didn’t matter he was my dad he was the best canoe partner I could ask for. To do it again, to hear the book that he is writing, to make his corned beef pickle rye sandwiches. Is there canoeing in heaven? I thought it would be funny if he were in heaven since he was an atheist.  Pagae pagae le portage huh!