I experience this like an addiction. A big big high like crack cocaine, connecting not only w the other person but also accessing my own pure joy and creativity in music and life and writing- and then, when over subsequent days the person pulled away, a total crash. I tried to get them to call me, and became more and more pathetic. Then the men started to blur together and I chatted w a few others (just friends but needing attention), and contacted a man/friend from my past. Nothing enough. Feeling attached to the one so can’t act out w others, don’t want to, not even w myself.
also beautiful comings backs to myself, quite deep, but then again becoming pathetic! How sad to abandon me. Luckily I can keep coming back to me, and just go ahead abd feel whatever I neee to feel: stupid pathetic sad angry whatever. I am grateful. Ana Maria had such patience w me and I knew what to do and could accept her help. Very beautiful. And now I find myself looking at my dad online, reading what people posted, including MY SON oh dear did that break my heart. “I miss you everyday grandpa, I wish you were..” Me too, I’d like to host him he always made me feel very good about my cooking. My dad deserved more time with his grandkids man, he would’ve loved to be here fuck. Sad. But as my daddy goes through hell medically, I know my dad said he’d NEVER want to go through any of that- would rather die.
it was so fun dancing w my dad. I never studied tango but if the lead is good it can seem that I do know how to dance! SO fun. But he didn’t want to know the inner me. Once I very vulnerable gave me my journal and he gave it back unopened.
Thankyou to anyone who reads me, and reflects or comments. I am not looking for advice, I just want to be heard and felt. If someone likes my writing that will mean a lot. And as I come back to me this morning - I see that it’s ME who must love me read me and so on. I am my own best lover altho I do intend to connect w others as possible but from that space of internal connection and love.
has anyone seen the piano? It is highly erotic and somewhat violent very beautiful
