Thinking About Kink

I've been thinking about the variety of ways people enjoy and experience submission. It's interesting that, on some level, subs as diverse as slaves and babygirls are looking for the same experience and feelings. Despite searching for that same feeling of submission, the various approaches are worth exploring. Being an academic, I couldn't help trying to analyze and classify these different forms of submission.

Broadly speaking, I can see an individual type of submissive falling somewhere along two axes. For lack of better terms (I'm sure someone can come up with better), I'll call them the active vs. passive axis and the intimacy vs. impersonal axis.

Active subs would be those subs who love actively displaying their submission. Performing tasks tasks to reaffirm for themselves and display to their Dom that they are submitting. Passive subs, on the other hand, enjoy the feeling of being completely controlled and show their submission through being totally cared for accepting whatever their Dom gives or does to them. For example, a 1950s household sub would fall more on the active side; cooking, cleaning, etc. to show their submission. A babygirl or little, meanwhile, would fall more on the passive side; enjoying submission through having a Dom who cares for them. It's interesting to think about how certain activities, like cooking, can become a sign of dominance or submission depending on the type of dynamic and the thoughts behind it. One sub feels more submissive while cooking for their Dom and serving them. Another sub would have a warm feeling to be told they are too little to perform such tasks and watch their Dom or Daddy take control of such duties.

The other axis deals with how much intimacy is involved in the dynamic. Again, I'm not satisfied with this terminology. I'm sure plenty of subs find very degrading and dehumanizing forms of D/s very intimate. Perhaps a better term would be affectionate vs. degrading. At any rate, the more intimate/affectionate subs want to feel valued, loved, etc. in their submission. On the other end of the spectrum would be subs who desire to feel more like a servant or property. On this axis, subs who prefer a Master/slave dynamic, objectification, or dollification would fall on one side of the spectrum while littles would fall on the other.

I think most forms of submission can be placed somewhere along these two axes (picture a standard 2x2 box, I'm afraid I can't create and insert a picture). In the active, affectionate/intimate box would be 1950s household subs, people into domestic discipline and "head of household" among others. These subs want to feel loved and valued as they actively perform submissive duties. In the passive, affectionate box would be littles, babygirls and probably some forms of pet play. Again, the desire is to feel loved and cared for but from a more passive perspective. The active, degrading box would be traditional slaves and the passive, degrading box wold include dolls, and probably subs who have hucow fantasies.

I'll add that these categories are ideal types (unlikely to appear in the real world). I don't think anyone has to, or likely will, fit neatly into any one box. An individual is likely to like elements from different parts of the two spectra and likely to change where they lean depending on the relationship they have with a given partner, how they're feeling at the moment, where they are in their life, etc. As a Dom, I can say I prefer a relationship that is in the active, affectionate box but I can appreciate at least some elements of the others (especially in the bedroom) and, if I had a partner who wanted to, I could see myself exploring those elements.

Again, it's interesting that so many different dynamics can fall under the single category of submissive. Different submissive can look very different depending on where they fall on these axes but likely looking for a similar feeling.

Sidenote 1: These are just some personal thoughts about submission. I'm am, by no means, any kind of expert on this subject. I also want to stress that I make no judgments about any of these styles or the people who enjoy them. As long as all parties involved are happy and participating consensually, I support it. No offense is intended towards anyone and I regret if any is caused.

Sidenote 2: I should be working on my dissertation or class syllabi right now but instead I'm applying my academic talents to analyzing kink. I regret nothing.

Growing up, I felt very out of control of my life. My parents were divorced and I did the standard custody shuffle every weekend. Minimal stability, no say in where I was or where I slept every night. It was not pleasant.

The change of rules between households was jarring as well. My mom was very permissive and, as long as I wasn't doing anything wrong, let me do what I wanted. My father was much more strict and, much worse, arbitrary in his rules. Again, unpleasant and out of control.

I've often wondered if this contributed to making me dominant. Did a lack of control growing up make me yearn for greater control over my life and the person I share it with? Did my father's arbitrary authoritarianism make me want to exhibit a more compassionate and fair form of dominance?

It makes sense but, having talked to submissives over the years, I wonder if it's the truth. I know subs who also grew up in strict households. For them, it seems growing up with that order and structure has made them long for it in their relationships. So, did my childhood make me dominant or did something deeper in me respond to my experiences by choosing dominance where others would have chosen submission?

I suppose it doesn't really matter how I ended up this way. I am who I am and I'm happy with it. Still, it's interesting to think about. I remember reading an article a while ago (can't remember where, I may look for it and add a link later) that argued being kinky was similar to one's sexual orientation. Apparently, the same parts of the brain light up when a kinky person sees kinky porn as when a straight person sees vanilla straight porn or a gay person sees vanilla gay porn. If so, then this could be something I was born with. Still, it's hard to think my childhood experiences didn't play some role. Just another battleground in the nature vs. nature debate.

Note: I don't want this to be taken as a condemnation of my parents. My mom is an amazing woman who made the best of a bad situation. My dad is more complicated by he's still a good man.