New to all of this…help!

King Shane​(dom male) - Hi, so you're completely new to this and are asking good questions. Control is certainly the most forward part of dominating, but it's far from the only part. The most important part (maybe depending on the type of dom, or maybe not) is taking care and making a partner feel good simply. You also bring up the question of "why does he have all of the control?" Which is one of the simplest and best put things I've heard! That could mean you're a switch and enjoy having some of that power over him some of the time, but there's also an understanding that a Dom has power, but not necessarily all of the control. What I mean is that when being a submissive, they ultimately do have control through safe words and their enjoyment. So, advice: You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. You can have your limits and those are sacred in pretty much all cases! Those are kept sacred through communication and safewords. And perhaps the most important part: Try stuff out! See if you like it, and if not, again, you don't have to participate : )

vanillaish - Thank you for your reply! I can see trying somethings out and going from there…but I’m so far out of my element. I’ve NEVER had sex with this man, and he’s telling me the things he’s into. Normally I would say that’s a good thing, but with this I feel like it’s just making me scared. Like…can we have vanilla sex first and see if we are even compatible? And who likes punishments? He brought up whipping…and in no way does that sound fun. I’ve literally been texting him and at the same time looking online for answers because I’m freaked out!

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Until you are in a relationship with him, you are on equal footing.

King Shane​(dom male) - It sounds like you've been thrown into the fire of the world of bdsm, so first, welcome! Whether you stay or not is ultimately your choice. It is a lot to take in after having no exposure to it at all! So try to take it one step at a time, and let him understand where you're coming from! Communication is always key. And around here we call them funishments lol. And plenty of people enjoy them too! It's a structure and accountability thing. Some people thrive when they have rules made for them and are kept to them. Seriously though, if you don't want something, be open and honest about it. And whipping sounds scary, but it depends on the equipment used as well as the dominant's skill, knowledge, and sensitivity for their partner, which varies. Maybe start with light spanking with a bdsm paddle and work your way up to find out what you like and/or are able to handle : )

King Shane​(dom male) - Also, here is a great resource to find out ahead of time to see some things you might enjoy and some you may not. I'd recommend the entire test for you, so it'll take some time, but share the results with the guy and go from there: https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } - Also there is there is a ton of info on the www.submissiveguide.com . Which is something alot of us suggests to ppl to read when they are new to things . ( even those of us that have been in life style a while can learn things there)

Talk , talk , talk with him open and honestly. And go slow

SageFlame​(sub female) - >>>SLOW<<<

There is control involved. Being in control is a kink. Some research to have a peek at is Abuse vs BDSM. What are the significant differences? It is more than sexual play but for some it is just that! What it looks like is up to you and your partner. You don't ever have to give consent to anything you don't want to do. If you feel manipulated more than guided your gut will tell you something is wrong. Rely heavily on your gut it doesn't lie. If you choose to submit to his desires and dominance that is a >>slow<< process. If he is interested in your fulfilment as much as his own he will progress slowly. It isn't like jumping into the deep end. . . . Feel the water, sit in the edge and get your feet wet and when you feel safe to get in the water.

>>slow<<

Whipping and such. . . . He is bringing up aspects of BDSM to get a feel for where you are and if it sparks interest or not. This is a good time to decide what you are ready for and what can wait. And also what you don't ever want to do. For me I found an editable checklist for limits regarding BDSM as a submissive. The list of BDSM practices is very long ( several pages). I marked my responses as follows depending on how I felt at the time:

-YES Please!
-Maybe later?
-maybe much later!
-No way, never!

>>go slow<<


A checklist would be helpful for you and, if someone is a potential Dom you would like to submit to, the list will be beneficial in giving a base of information.

If you feel afraid or scared .... well for the record - If I ever felt fear during a conversation with a Dom . . . I wouldn't engage and would be considering a good-bye. If he can't create a comfortable place for discussion how is he going to gain your trust?

My first Dom went very >>slow<<. He also asked what was important to me in a relationship. At some point he inquired about my "first" experiences. He was open to any and all questions from me. He answered all of them. The first few weeks were light enjoyable conversations that were not hyper focused on BDSM. By the time he brought up hard core desires I felt comfortable giving unfiltered answers. He also told me if I wasn't comfortable answering he understood.

You have already been engaging in BDSM practices. The verbiage and extend at which you can explore has found you! Have fun with your research and exploration whatever that may be!

Here are the YT channels that helped me in the beginning:

Evie Lupine
Desires Laid Bare
Bent Discipline ( he gives a healthy perspective and approach from a Dom perspective)

P.S. If you would like to slow down - communicate this to him. If you would like time to research more - communicate this to him. He cannot make the best decisions without communication.

WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male){CurvyB} - I would say you need to slow things down and spend far more time talking. Communication is key.

Gaiawolf​(sub female){RogueWolf} - All this ^^^^^^^^ I will also add and restate what has been said a little. Speak up. Say that sounds like too much.

How long have you been talking? How soon was he telling you all the ways he wanted to dominate you? Does he know your favorite color or choice of music? Have you talked about your vanilla lives? Or has it all been sex and bdsm talk? There are some great blogs and forum posts on red flags. I would suggest reading those and seeing if they strike a chord.
Personally, whipping is a hard red limit for me. But I have a reason from past abuse. Before the abuse it was actually enjoyable.
Take your time!!! If he scares you with his eagerness and descriptions of what he wants to do to you, and you have stated that, and he keeps going, that is major cause for concern. You should never fear the person you are in a dynamic with. Even punishments should not instill primal fear, but more of a sense of disappointing him by not doing what he asked.

Again, it should take time, lots of time especially if you are new to the whole life, before this stuff is being discussed as a will happen and not just a could happen IF we are compatible in vanilla terms.
If he doesn't know you invanilla terms then it's a play session and he will be done once he has had you.

RogueWolf​(dom male){Gaiawolf} - You don't have to be ok with it. You know in yourself what you want/need. Yes a lot of Doms, myself included, like to have control. How much you gove him is your choice, your decision. If it's just a bedroom thing for you, great. If it's more than that, if it's a lifestyle thing, also great. Do what you feel good with, the things you like. If he wants more than you're willing to give, he's not right for you. If he can't deliver the things you want/need.. he's not right for you. Sounds simple enough? Please don't misunderstand when I say you're going to make mistakes. Kiss a few dozen frogs along the way. Get too involved with someone who isn't right for you or for whom you're not right for. C'est la vie. You'll find the person that's right for you if you perserve and be patient.