Pieces of me...

I am at a loss. 

Having been dubbed self absorbed and blind moments after you took the liberty to express an understanding of my natural tendency to serve others. 

What I offered was a view from a different angle. While I can comprehend your point of view... i know that others may see my "Bad Luck" tattoo in a negative way or think that i chose it because im a negative person. Their vision stops at the surface of a person. Rather than ask. They will pass judgement. Assuming my intent and depth.

I also know there are those who will see it and not judge me. They will see a story behind it. One that is a part of who I am today. They will inquire and show intrest. Seek out its  meaning to me and perspective. Knowing thought was put into such a decision. See deeper...

But the second I offer how it can be perceived differently... once again I'm nothing.

Your understanding of me sours. You take back trying to comfort or converse. You decided what I said made you feel some kinda way... a personal attack, perhaps.

I assure you it was not.

This is where you turned my words inward as they were not pointed at you. You lash out and condemn me to be the things you know will cause me distress. You reinforce my feelings of despair and make the emptiness in my heart that much heavier.

Again I'm gutted. Irrefutably a lost cause to be terminally alone.

I am a very humble person. To a fault I've been told. 

Any questions or conversations I have are to better understand anothers perspective. 

But I'm also very intuitive. I sense when things arent right.

I've never "challanged" a dom I've been involved with. Only asked clarification when I feel things arent right.

I hold more things in than I say. All the time.

That being said.

I don't believe you must submit yourself to being humiliated in order to show humility.

Humiliation is not something the one dishing it can define. What humiliates me may not affect another. 

I am a true submissive with the heart of a slave but degradation and humiliation are things I cannot do. I maintain my humility thru my service to my dom. It takes great strength and humility for a woman like me to submit. 

I shouldn't have to be made to feel like I'm less. Especially after all the work Ive done these past years to become better physically and mentally. All that work was done alone. I dont need recognition but I also don't need dismissiveness by way of being made to be less than I am.

I always find solace in music. It doesn't matter what im running from mentally. There's always a tune or two that easy my soul and ease the burning inside me. 

My greatest coping skill is throwing in my ear buds and drowning the shrieks my demons are bellowing. 

I have a playlist for just about everything. 

I've been very sad lately. What playlist do I turn to you ask.... well, you disnt ask but ima tell your ass anyways.

"Fuck This"

A but of everything on there but mostly it serves to remind me who I am.

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Tearing my heart in two, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But with you, I can't resist

Before I met you, I never felt good enough

Before I let you, in, I'd already given up

Left on read, no reply, left me just wondering why

Now I'm skeptical of love

So when you hold my hand, do you wanna hold my heart?

When you say you want me, is it all of me or just one part?

So when you hold my hand, do you wanna hold my heart?

When you say you want me

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Tearing my heart in two, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But with you, I can't resist

Maybe momma doesn't always know best

I'm terrified, but I'll never let you know

Social suicide, if I ever let it show

Everything feels just right

I fall in place, we fall in line

I'll never let you go

So when you hold my hand, do you wanna hold my heart?

When you say you want me, is it all of me or just one part?

So when you hold my hand, do you wanna hold my heart?

When you say you want me

Is it all of me? yeah

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Tearing my heart in two, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But with you, I can't resist

Maybe momma doesn't always know best

So when you hold me (when you hold me), am I the only one?

Do you wanna know me (do you wanna know me), or is this all just for fun?

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Tearing my heart in two, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But with you, I can't resist, no, no

Maybe momma doesn't always know best

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Too good to be true, mm-mm, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But for you, for you, for you I'll take that risk

This is a term i heard years ago... i was having i very hard time with my PTSD. Looking back im sure it was because i was bathing in my triggers. Kept myself in third gear pinned at all times. It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was my baseline. Hyperaware, hyper-reactive. I wonder how many cardiac events ive had that i dont know about. 

Self mastery refers to being able to control the chaos in your mind. That i admit i still sm learning. 

It is something I find easier to take on when in a dynamic. Being that there is a sense of safety provided by someone other than myself. Im free to help battle my demons along side the hand im under. 

It's a nice thought though...

The one thing I believe every submissive must possess is *selflessness.* I think it is impossible to offer submission with a *selfish heart* or *selfish desire*.

True submission is a gift. The gift of allowing a Dominant to become His true and complete self, thru you.

This cannot be done without trust, honesty and in my mind selflessness as well as a touch of compassion.

To give in order to *gain solely for self* in a D/s relationship, by my standards, is dishonest. You cannot build trust on dishonesty.

When you build a sand castle - you build it back away from the tide... by the shitty sand. But you put in the work bringing bucket after bucket of water to that ass sand till its just like the good sand the tide washes over. If made right, hell... your castle could be there tomorrow. Be lazy and do the what spares you the work, what suits you at the time. Build that shit near the tide. Have fun making it but its not gonna last. The tide washes away all the bullshit...

No way you can be a submissive and not see past the nose on your own face. But the ruse! The ruse of even having a gift to give.

You know they say if you put a frog in a pot of water and turn the heat up slowly.... he'll never realize he's being cooked.

Stupid frog.... right?

Trauma is like that. When you grow up exposed to it daily, you don't realize how many times you put yourself in harms way as an adult.

The flip side to that is you also fail to see a good thing cross your path.

You become used to such uninhabitable surroundings the safe things, the good things do not ping the radar. 

Most times they're long gone before the alarm sounds...

Then boom, you end up as someone's dinner.

At work tonight I came across a patient very much like I used to be.

A person who reached their breaking point and had the presence of mind to ask for help. 

Treated like he was less than human by staff and LEOs, I wanted to tell him there is hope and help for him. That I was proof desolation can be overcome. 

It takes looking thru the window in the door of the padded room.... ON THE OTHER SIDE this time.... to refresh my baring and fortitude. To spark again my compassion and hope in people. 

...I sit as overwatch while he rests wearily in a room full of chaos...

When hes ready I'll release a piece of my soul. I can only pray it's enough for his to reignite. 

Some of my favorite quotes...

You,” he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”

"It gives me strength to have somebody to fight for; I can never fight for myself, but, for others, I can kill."

"I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia."

"Perfume was first created to mask the stench of foul and offensive odors... Spices and bold flavorings were created to mask the taste of putrid and rotting meat... What then was music created for? Was it to drown out the voices of others, or the voices within ourselves? I think I know."

"I am my heart’s undertaker. Daily I go and retrieve its tattered remains, place them delicately into its little coffin, and bury it in the depths of my memory, only to have to do it all again tomorrow."

"Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon 'em."

"I'm not stupid. I know exactly what's going on, and I'm not fighting it. If I have to go through this, I will glean from it any small benefit I can receive. I will not fight this. Bring it on. Bring on the cure. Bring on the fucking happy. I'm committed."

I try not to do anything in haste.

I do not like becoming emotional.

But, it is hard for me not to notice certain cues... whether that be a pattern or action

Its like witnessing a car accident. You see the car about of collide with another, the pit of your stomach knots up and endorphins flood your system creating an erie anxiety. Thoughts of terror and sadness circle your consciousness... but the one thing you cannot do is look away.

I get the erie feeling and anxiety when I realize what's about to go down. Immediately I want to hit the kill switch and coast to a stop but I doubt my judgment and stay the course, ignoring the signs. 

Then impact... fruition 

Instead of slowing to a stop im thrown into the windshield thru no fault but my own. 

In a daze, emotions happen... I hate being emotional. It is not until a bit later I can make a decision and act in reason. Reason - my tow truck, scooping up the mangled emotional mess and carrying it away. Attempting to leave no trace of a  collision, but there's always some broken glass or tire marks left on the ground.

When it all could have been avoided if I heeded the road sign....