So, I guess you can say Ive kinda been going thru it. In a effort to help myself Ive been exploring new coping skills. I picked up a pen again (as it were) and started drawing which I haven't done since high-school.
Being pretty proud of myself i email my psych doc to tell her how I was working on coping skills and what they were. I was sure she understood me after all the years ive been her patient. My clinic has a serious case management issue. There are times I dont have a case manager and dont even know. They allow me to leave messages for someone who doesn't even work there anymore, leaving me in the dark. This is why my doc gave her email address.
I have been reaching out to my new case manager for weeks asking her to get ahold of my doc. No response. So, as I was instructed, I email my doc directly.
My mind is dying. Parts of it anyway. Im losing my memory and the ability to find words to communicate effectively. Motor skills are deteriorating along with my eyesight. Trouble swallowing and difficultly walking with a steady gait.
I have to write almost everything down or fire off emails and texts at the moment of inspiration or Ill forget. My battle with insomnia is documented in detail.
So, after reaching out to my case manager and getting no answer I fire of two emails. One in the early morning hours so I dont forget and a follow up to that a few days later to update my doc on where my head is at. This is where I made the mistake. I was pleased with the last thing I wrote. I thought it was put together rather well, so after I mentioned my new coping skills I shared my writing. Fucking idiot.
The next day I get calls and texts saying to come into the clinic to see the nurse. SUS! MF im not new to this. Seeing the nurse is the first step in those assholes petitioning me. I tell myself to go. Its ok because in not DTS/DTO or HI/SI so im safe. Fucking idiot.
I get ambushed by the nurse who brings up and wants to talk about the email I sent to my doc. Im not going to lie, I felt betrayed. This is the moment I learned my doc in fact did not understand me. I said I just wanted to share it and NOTHING in there suggests the need to petition me. Doc says emails were becoming frequent. I immediately refer to knowing and adhereing to the boundaries between patient and soctoe. Then I explain that my case manager hasn't been responding. "Yeah, shes not here anymore." I cant do anything but laugh. Like do I need to draw you fuckers a map? Im pressed to go to an inpatient facility. No. Then its to go to a psych urgent care place (think youre fuckin sneaky). Again I decline. Im told I need a healthier living situation. The word "group hone" was throw out and I swear to God I got up and was about to throw a chair. They got the jdea. I then give them the lay of the land. The look on their faces.
I ask them to show my ANYONE who would hold it together like I was. There isnt ANYONE that wouldnt be in a padded room looking out a small window.
"So youre holding it together out there?" Yes. Its not an option. Looks of disbelief. I layed it out letting them know there is no other option. That as soon as I step out that door, its time to square my shit. I dig my fucking heels in and the only thing that matters is being a mom. Its not about wants or people telling me I need to do this or that to take care of myself. Its not about me. All I care about is that my daughters needs are met.
I dont take advice or yield to anyone that wouldnt last a day in my shoes.
I thought my doc understood me. I was fuckin wrong. I have allowed myself to believe im understood by certain people and it always bites me in the ass. Time I accept the fact that being understood is not something to believe in.
Ive never depended on anyone so there us no reason to start now. I want to apologize in advance because I think ill be knocking the dust off my blog. Its apparent I have no one to talk to, so my blog is about to get active.