Another year almost done. I think I’m closing this one with resolve. Most people look to the new year with images of fresh starts and renewed beginnings. Resolutions and the likes- many of which won’t make it into February seem weak compared to my goals. I think for the new year, I want a slow building.
In a very difficult way, I have become a father. It’s to a precocious 9 year old that stole my heart the day she was born. Being her Unkiden has been a treasure. She’s an amazing kid but while I was a great uncle, I’m afraid I’m going to be a lousy Dad. Whatever the title I am resolute- I will be the best that I can be for her. Slowly and surely
My personal relationships are a bit rocky. A dear friend has proven to me that I’m not worthy of their effort. I don’t blame them, I can be a black hole for spoons. In the coming year, if there’s a way to recover that friendship I will seek to do so. Without that bond, I see little else for us.
My true north remains that. Or rather her star becomes harder to see with the clouds of turmoil that keep her from my sight. Still, true north is immutable. The compass may shift as energies shift. Still, she is there.. the line through the core of the world that determines my orbit. Miles and time are all that keep me from that. I am resolute that all my promises will be kept even if I’m not sure how.
It’s December though and I miss her pout, her smile, her laughter, the threats against my person but also the feel of her. While that may seem shallow, the feel of her goes beyond limits of her body, I’d be a liar to say I don’t miss our physical intimacy, I do. I crave her like an addict. Still, that’s not the feel of her I’m referring to. I don’t feel her here. The house is not warmed by her instead it has become liminal space. I am resolute that that will change in this coming year.
To quote her second favorite English ginger, “There’s nothing under the tree, that I wished for…”
In a few days I celebrate one more trip around the sun. I will break out my list of intentions and recap the year. Checking progress towards my goals, I believe that 2024 was not productive towards those goals set last December. I could have had no idea the catastrophic events that awaited. Umber says 2024 looked at 2020 and said hold my beer.
2020 was horrible globally- professionally it was burnout. 2021 saw hope for the world at large but more loss on the personal level. 2022 is a blur empty and lost… 2023 had such promise and despite the learning curve, by December of 2023 and beginning of 2024, I found myself happier than I had ever been.
By mid February, nothing of that remained and the next several months became a hellscape. Then summer came and so very briefly I had hope… before summer drew to a close - near death experiences and paradigm shifts. Now, it’s December and I wish for the gift I unwrapped last Christmas morning. In all that it was, there was hope. I am thankful for it, because 2024 almost destroyed it. I am resolute that I will return to joy and there is still hope even when I know there is also despair. I am resolute.
