I find my thoughts frequently revolving around "being okay with being alone". I need to be comfortable being truly vulnerable with myself before I can allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone else. I have to truly know myself before I can expect anyone else to truly know me. And to do that I have to be alone with myself and be okay with that.
I spend 95% of my personal time alone....5 year old notwithstanding. And I used to love that. I used to relish it and find peace just being with myself. I took myself out to dinner and to the movies. I went on adventures and road trips with only myself for company. I went where I wanted and did what I wanted whether I had company or not. And I found just as much, if not more, enjoyment experiencing things by myself as opposed to with others.
But for years it has not brought me peace or joy or contentment. Being alone with myself and my thoughts has been the cause of unease and discomfort and fear and loathing. I have buried myself in online friendships, games, books, movies, anything really to allow my mind to hide from the fact that I am alone, that I am afraid to be so and that I am angry that I am afraid of something I once found joy in. I am angry that I allowed someone to turn me into this. I am angry that, in my weakness, I have allowed it to continue for so long. Really, I'm just fucking angry, mostly with myself. And I'm alone. And I don't enjoy it.
But I want to. I want to enjoy time with myself again. I have to. I can offer no one anything of me until I can offer it to myself. I can't be happy with anyone else until I can find that happiness with myself again.
I've had the realization and that's half the battle out of the way. I can do this...
