HurtSoGood

Mo Cumhacht

Work in Progress...

"Confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."
- August Wilson

To Be Alone...

2 years ago. December 10, 2021 at 2:27 AM

I find my thoughts frequently revolving around "being okay with being alone". I need to be comfortable being truly vulnerable with myself before I can allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone else. I have to truly know myself before I can expect anyone else to truly know me. And to do that I have to be alone with myself and be okay with that.

I spend 95% of my personal time alone....5 year old notwithstanding. And I used to love that. I used to relish it and find peace just being with myself. I took myself out to dinner and to the movies. I went on adventures and road trips with only myself for company. I went where I wanted and did what I wanted whether I had company or not. And I found just as much, if not more, enjoyment experiencing things by myself as opposed to with others.

But for years it has not brought me peace or joy or contentment. Being alone with myself and my thoughts has been the cause of unease and discomfort and fear and loathing. I have buried myself in online friendships, games, books, movies, anything really to allow my mind to hide from the fact that I am alone, that I am afraid to be so and that I am angry that I am afraid of something I once found joy in. I am angry that I allowed someone to turn me into this. I am angry that, in my weakness, I have allowed it to continue for so long. Really, I'm just fucking angry, mostly with myself. And I'm alone. And I don't enjoy it.

But I want to. I want to enjoy time with myself again. I have to. I can offer no one anything of me until I can offer it to myself. I can't be happy with anyone else until I can find that happiness with myself again.

I've had the realization and that's half the battle out of the way. I can do this...

Bella duPuy(sub female){Not lookin} - Beloved, you are not alone. Many of U/us have travelled or are travelling the same road. There is support available to you.
All you have to do is ask.
W/we are here 🌷 i am here 💗

2 years ago

HurtSoGood - I very much appreciate this ❤❤ I feel like I've been stuck in this duck and cover mode. I've been tucked in the fetal position for so long just so I can function in the day to day and take care of all the things that are my responsibility and even some that aren't. For so long I've been in this "just getting by and coping" mentality because that's all I have the energy for. But I am more than that and I want more than that and I'm struggling my way towards it.

I just lost myself along the way when life hit hard and I'm trying to relearn myself because I'm not the same person I was "before", if that makes sense.

2 years ago

A Cloud(sub female){Owned} - Your attitude and intention are admirable and will lead to peace and contentment after the initial struggle is overcome. This is what I believe and feel to be the case in my own life. Intentions of genuine nature and belief of self worth, when actioned in humility, bring to you what you need or what you request. In other words, you will pass through this stronger with a greater sense of self and things will get easier and more enjoyable.
There are many descent humans here travelling a similar path. You are not alone. Xx 🤗🧡🌻

2 years ago

HurtSoGood - I appreciate your words and hope peace and contentment are indeed around the corner! Thank you for the reminder that even if we are "alone" we aren't alone in that. 😁 I'm grateful for my fellow travelers, those who have gone before for sharing their wisdom and a helping hand, those walking with for sharing the struggle, and those following behind to remind me and keep me humble. One day, I hope to be able to help someone, just one.

2 years ago

You must be registered and signed in to comment

Register Sign in