Friday was an extremely triggering day for me. I recognize this. I also recognize that I need to explore the situation and my reactions so that I can get a better grasp of myself.
A man came into the office. He comes every month to make his payment that was owed the month before. He stays a month behind and has since I’ve been waiting on him. Every time he comes in, I end up being the one that gets him. And every time he comes in, he stays a little bit longer each time. He always complains about his bill, wants to talk about discounts and then shoot down his options. He always talks about his job, his lack of funds, the timing of his bill. He always wants to discuss moving his due date from the 28th to the 15th.
Every month for at least a year now, I have had this conversation with this man. He is loud and aggressive in his tone and body language. I recognize that he may not be actively aggressive, but the way he articulates himself feels aggressive. I know this is a trigger for me and that’s a “me” problem. Prior to our interaction Friday, I recognize that I was already in a stressed state of mind and have been, off and on, for a couple weeks. So, I understand that probably contributed to the situation.
What alerted myself and my friend to his presence was the thumping of his music out in the parking lot. We both got up to see what was going on and I recognized his car. At that moment, I got a feeling, one of those feelings. The feeling of precognition or warning, telling me something is wrong.
I told my friend that I really, really didn’t want to wait on him and explained why. And, if I’m being honest, I feel a bit hurt that, as my friend, she didn’t step up. She could have gotten him. She could have spared me everything. And she didn’t. And maybe I needed the experience to prompt this moment. But she could have. As my friend, she should have. I would have shielded her.
From the beginning, the entire vibe was discomfiting. I am almost 100% certain that he was drunk or high on something. Another trigger when coupled with an aggressive attitude. He immediately started complaining about his bill going up. I told him I’d check and see what was going on. While I reviewed his account, he kept ranting about his finances and his bills and how it was ridiculous that he only had liability but it was so expensive. He also kept rushing my review of his account.
I explained his rate increase and he bitched some more. He again brought up how expensive his insurance is for only having liability and not “full coverage”. I told him he has “full coverage” and listed out all of his coverages on his policy. That seemed to pacify him for a moment and then he comes up with another question to which I provided an answer. And we go back and forth like that for a few minutes. He brings up discounts, which I tried to discuss with him and he immediately shot down.
The entire time this is going on he keeps sighing and huffing and rocking his body back in his chair. The attitude of these actions was one of leashed aggression, as if he were trying to control his words and actions. And he kept using phrases that were condescending, like “you don’t understand”, “do you understand what I’m saying” or “I don’t think you know”. Those may not be exact, but it was the attitude with which he was talking more than the actual words.
At this point, roughly 15 minutes had gone by. We finally got around to making his payment. As he’s pulling his money out, he continues making commentary on how expensive it is and I’m taking all his money. Then he scoffs and mumbles sotto voce, with a dark tone, “You women…”
Up until that moment, I had been doing my best to keep my irritation and frustration contained. However, I was triggered by the entire interaction and I could feel my control fraying. I have a nasty temper, especially in response to fear or hurt. When I am triggered, I engage in flight, freeze or fawn behavior to some degree, if it seems it will work to eliminate the perceived threat. But my fight reflex is the most prominent for me…and the scariest.
Up until the moment he said “you women” in that disgusted, condescending tone, as if I was to blame for his shit, I had managed to maintain a civil and acquiescent tone to my voice, while avoiding all eye contact. When he said that though, I tangibly felt the slip inside me, as if the gloves were coming off. I firmed my voice, added my own aggression and looked him in his eyes. I said, “I didn’t create your bill, women did not create your bill.” And he starts trying to talk over me and stumbling over his words. I continued speaking, completely disregarding his attempts to regain control of the conversation. I said, “In fact, I’m sure if you look at the history of our financial system, you will find it was created by men for men.” And I’m not a man hater or raging modern feminist (no disparagement to anyone who identifies as such). I was just deliberately trying to provoke a response because I felt provoked by him. I wanted a reason for the actions that were running thru my mind.
He then circled back around to changing his due date. I maintained my firm tone and let go of my customer service attitude. I got real with the man. I told him that we have the same conversation every month about his bills, discounts and due dates. Every month I tell him the same thing and every month he fails to do any of the things I advise in order to accommodate his desires. He kept stumbling over his words at this point and raised his aggression to match mine. I finally told him that if he wasn’t going to listen to anything I said then there was nothing further for us to discuss. We kind of sat there for a moment, staring at each other. More words were said but I don’t remember what they were because I had started to dissociate at that point.
In these situations, I instinctively enter into a state of mind where everything else goes away except the chain of events that need to happen to eliminate the threat. The only comparison I can give for someone to understand what I’m describing is if they’ve seen the Sherlock Holmes film with Robert Downey, Jr. The way it portrays his processing of the action moments is the most similar I have ever seen to what goes on inside me.
From there, he was in my office for about another 10 minutes complaining and talking in circles and not making any sense. I just stared at my computer screen, zoned out and unresponsive but he wouldn’t fucking get a clue and shut up and leave. I emailed my friend to help get me the fuck out the situation because I could feel my control snapping.
The stapler was sitting in front of me. I already had it all planned out. I was going to wait until he was in the middle of ranting, when he would be so self-absorbed he wouldn’t be prepared. Then I was going to casually palm the stapler, stand up as if I was walking out of my office for something and, as I rounded the desk, I was going to bring the stapler around full force into his nose. Then, while he was having his moment of shock and processing, I would continue to bash him in the head and face, until he was incapacitated. Altho, once I lost myself in that abyss, I wouldn’t be able to stop.
In all likelihood, he wouldn’t have been prepared for that. And the shock of my attack, coupled with the pain of a broken nose, would most likely render him incapable of an instantaneous retaliation or defense. And that moment of instinctual hesitation would give me the best chance of coming out of this unharmed.That was my rationale.
In that moment, I was terrified. I was scared I was going to snap. I did not feel safe. I know what I am capable of and I didn’t think I could control myself much longer. I was on the verge of pushing the panic button under my desk. My thought process being that, even tho a crime wasn’t being committed, pushing the button would have the cops there in short order. If the cops came, then he would leave. The threat would be eliminated and I wouldn’t be going to prison.
Right as I was at my literal breaking point, my phone chimed. I had a message. It was the Facebook messenger notification, so I knew it had to either be my friend/coworker or my sister. I picked up the phone, saw a message from my sister and then looked at the man. I told him the message was from my sister about my son and that I needed to call the school. Then I called my mom’s cell phone. She didn’t pick up, but he finally left. After 30 minutes of that hell, it was over.
I crashed. I fell apart. I felt raw and exposed. I spent a good 10-15 minutes crying, releasing the panic and the rage. I had a panic attack. I was so fucking angry. I was angry at that man. I was angry at my friend. But, most of all, I was angry with myself for not being able to control the triggered response I was having.
I rebounded for the rest of the day. But it took a toll. I was so drained. And raw. I wanted comfort. I wanted to feel safe. Friday night and Saturday were spent recuperating. I had a pain flare up, most likely a response to the stress, and slept most of Saturday. And now, here I am.
Have I learned anything? I’m still processing the ramifications of the entire situation. I’ve grown a lot from the person I used to be. My control is better. I didn’t snap, which is an improvement. On a normal day, when presented with challenging people, I can get irritated and frustrated, but I always maintain a certain level of control. For me to be presented with that exact situation, was an anomaly, an aberration.The biggest trigger here was his resemblance to a violent person in my past. A person who did me great harm. Not only his physical appearance, but his words and his tone and his mannerisms. It was like sitting across the desk from this other man. This isn’t something that ever really happens. But I didn’t handle it well and I clearly still have some more work to do.
