Fear Play - the dichotomy
This is one of those types of play that is hard to describe.....but when there is a perfect storm, this really, really works for me.
I'm not sure when this started (it had to be with Dan, I'm sure)..because usually if someone scares me, it puts me into fight/flight mode. That's not a good place for me to be. I've head butted people before that thought it was funny to sneak up on me. I've punched people before that have scared me. It's an automatic reaction and something I've had to work on. (Though, I'd rather have the fight reaction to fear than the 'freeze' response which I've actually done somatic therapy for.)
Now, if Dan comes up behind me and wraps his arm around my throat or comes up and punches me...I melt. If the boyfriend does something scary, I talk my brain down from the ledge, and then it's hot.
When I've set up a scene with someone I know, and they know I like fear play.....My heart races but I melt with whatever they do. I wonder why that is?
I've given it some thought, because I can only do this with people I trust not to ultimately harm me.
If Dan wraps me in cling wrap to a suspension frame and then pushes me back and forth so that I continue to fall closer and closer to the floor, I'm super wet and scared and excited.
When he wraps his arm around my throat and pulls out the knife, I whimper in fear and pleasure.
When MD had me step backwards off a ledge (only a couple of inches) where he had to catch me. It terrified me, made me wet and after a couple of attempts, I finally was able to do it, I about orgasmed on the spot.
When MW has had me do some things during our scenes over the years, from electricity to wrestling on the mats to machetes....fear and pleasure...rarrrrrrrrr
It can be as simple as obeying someone's command, like stepping off that little ledge.
But, when I negotiate with a new person, I don't mention 'fear play'. That's because since I don't know them, I don't know that they have my safety in mind. I don't know if it's just for their pleasure which leaves my pleasure out of it. Which turns into a fear I can't work with for play purposes.
I have figured out that if I don't totally trust them...it's adrenaline that pumping. Adrenaline isn't a good thing. For me.
A couple of years ago, I had a scene with someone that was supposed to be a prisoner/prison guard scene. Instead, it turned into a fear of me falling down with shackles on scene. Not planned by either of us. And because it wasn't planned and negotiated as a fear scene, I couldn't get myself out of the adrenaline mode. Luckily the top saw what happened and was able to go with the flow and get me out of the adrenaline phase. I'd definitely play with him again and this time make sure we talk about if it turns into a fear scene and how to turn it into endorphines. Once we talk about that and how he was able to do it, I can relax into the fear.
That makes no sense, I know.
But, for me, it is a difference with adrenaline and endorphins. One makes me want to punch, the other makes me want to fuck.
The sweet spot is when I'm thinking of punching and fighting back, but can control it, because of the trust. And letting them do what they want with me....wanting to wrap my legs around them and not letting them go.
Getting to that vulnerable place of fear/trust....yep, that's the sweet spot.