I just saw something that said “Your body won’t feel safe just because someone says you are safe. Safety is felt when your nervous system sees the proof…..repeatedly”.
Simple, and yet mind blowing, especially when I realized and acknowledged that I have never felt safe. I don’t want to be so guarded. I don’t want to live in constant fight or flight. And yes I know that those are all trauma responses and I am working on them. But I have no frame of reference to work with. I’m 57 fucking years old and I’ve never felt safe. Even as a child I was made to feel that I was never good enough. Comments made to me that I was too skinny, not pretty, not smart enough. I’ve always held something back. And every time my gut has proven me right for doing so. Even if it was some small part of me. Just once in my life I would like to feel what it feels like. To be able to give myself completely over to someone, trusting them with absolute certainty that they will be my safe place to land. Deep down I crave feeling safe as much as I need air to breathe. It’s a gaping hole inside of me aching to be filled.