So Sunday last, I attended a brunch get together for the community I'm involved in, Purgatory. It was mostly regulars there with the exception of 2 new folks. We were going over our upcoming kinky picnic event and rehashing some details around it; games, food, regulations, etc.
Now, I've become rather fond of this group. We do bowling activities, regular munches, brunch munch, etc. Its a nice mix and I've really grown fairly comfortable with the regulars. I can laugh and carry on without a care in the world because I know I'm safe.
For us in the lifestyle, its damn important for us to find a group we mesh well with and don't feel threatened by; people we know wont make overt advances or make us uncomfortable in the environment.
Unfortunately, due to the ignorance of one newcomer, the safety and familial atmosphere were briefly lost and my equilibrium cast adrift.
I'm naturally a friendly person. I do have a personal space thing that I expect to be respected but I can be very animated and playful, downright goofy, and generally a lot of fun to be around ( I think). In this space, I don't ever expect to have someone attempt to take advantage of my good nature.
Here's me, trying to be friendly to the newbie. Its his first time at any event, ever, so trying to make them feel comfortable and welcome to a group that otherwise knows each other is kinda important. We're chatting, laughing, having a good time. He engaged in conversation with the group, talked about the picnic and how he would like to attend, everything is going well. He reengages me in conversation, asking if I liked Disney (we had mentioned something about the new Toy Story movie) and what I thought about this or that. Long story short, he'd like to add me on Fet.
Sure, no problem! Just gotta look me up on the group page, easy enough. Well, since I was a last minute attendee for the brunch munch, I wasnt on the list and he was having a hard time finding me in the group. He leaned toward me slightly so I could see his phone better (damn glare from the sun) but I couldn't see it still so he handed it to me. As I was navigating the site, in the minuscule amount of time it took me to friend me, he stroked my thigh.
He was still leaned over, looking at the phone as I was scrolling and put his hand on my thigh, caressing with his fingers.
To say I was alarmed would be an understatement. I quietly slapped his hand twice and shook my head no at him, looking up to see if anyone had noticed. They hadn't, thankfully. I didn't want to cause a scene. I quickly was caught up in another conversation by the man next to me and was able to politely turn my attentions to him without being rude.
THIS IS NOT OKAY!
Besides the fact that there was NO consent to this action, I have problems with this.
A. I was not, in any way, indicating that him touching me was okay. Not at all, not in the slightest, nuh UH. Though I know this, I still wondered what I had done to make him think it was okay. Had I led him on in some way? Smiled a little too brightly, laughed a little too hard? No, I really hadn't. Yes, I know this is a shitty mentality to have but trust me when I say many women think the same; we've been programmed to, but that's a topic for another time.
B. What if I'd had a Dominant there? Besides the fact that I did NOT consent to it, he would have been touching something he had no right to touch. Another persons "belonging" fondled as if it were an item on display for potential buyers. Not only that, but without permission from said Dom. No asking to see if I had one, no communication at all on the subject but apparently my thighs are open for whomever decides they'd like to have a feel.
C. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!?! You have no right to even hug me goodbye if I don't want it, I met you all of 20 minutes ago.
D. MUNCHES ARE NOT SINGLES EVENTS!! They are not free-for-all events that people go to in the hopes of finding a partner for the day or week or whatever. We're looking for community. If a potential partner pops up out of that, awesome, but that's NOT what we're there for. We're not all a bunch of swingers talking about who we're trading with for the day. Not to mention, the blatant ignoring of the RING ON MY LEFT HAND indicating my very much not single status.
E. Most importantly, munches are supposed to be safe and secure. We get together and get to know each other for a sense of belonging. To find a community where we feel comfortable and at ease. We go to engage with people that we can grow with and learn from in a space that we know is going to be non-threatening.
As simple and small as this action was, it spoke volumes. It threatened the sanctity of the community, the bond we all had formed..What if that had been my first event, too? I would be scared, intimidated and very likely to not want to attend another out of trepidation of something similar happening elsewhere. It inhibits the ability for any community to bring in new folks when they have someone positively predatory among the ranks quietly dissuading them with unwarranted advances.
Consent is and always will be a key aspect of BDSM. To ignore it is folly and will quickly get you ousted and blacklisted from many, if not ALL events. Word will get around.
Dont worry folks. I didnt keep silent. I was SUPER FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. My poor heart leapt into my throat at his touch and it took all I could muster to not visibly recoil. Thankfully, I am close with both heads of the group and let them know what had happened. Being his first event and how little I know about him, I told her that I wasn't looking to have him banned but educated instead. I don't know how long he's even been involved in the scene and giving benefit of the doubt (maybe being too nice, I know), chose to give another chance. He has since been spoken to by not only them, but myself as well.
Regardless of being allowed in our group or not, he needed to know that what he did was wrong. He needed to hear, from ME, how uncomfortable he made me feel. We cannot keep quiet about these things, its not an option. I made sure to mention how huge consent is, how he absolutely cannot be touching people without their permission and treating the gathering as his personal fucking playground.
I was VERY direct. I may have upset him, but that doesnt concern me. He knows now, if he didn't before, that his behaviour is not okay and will not be tolerated in any capacity. The Heads are keeping an eye on him as well.
I'm trying to give a newbie a chance. We all fuck up. But this is his only shot to prove he wants to be part of a community,not just use it to scope out people to "fuck".
I know it sounds a bit soft and many of you might think I'm giving him leave to do it again.
I assure you, I am not. All eyes will be on him. I am not afraid to speak up or protect myself and will do so without hesitation. Giving him another chance is my choice, yes, and it may seem foolish to some. I have carefully thought out my actions to be fair to all involved and hopefully this will be the last mistake he makes.
Please stay safe, folks. I know I am not the only one to have experienced something like this and we cannot allow it to continue. If it happens to you, SAY something. We cannot stop this kind of blatant nonsense if no one says anything and puts a stop to it. Going unchecked, ignorance of rules or protocol can and will endanger many people. Its our job to keep each other out of harms way, unless that harm is being gleefully consented to by all involved ;)
So keep each other well and safe. Speak out when needed and never be afraid to stop a predator in their tracks. If it doesn't stop with you, they'll do it over and over again, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.
Remember: SSC, RACK, PRICK or whatever acronym you use are not just there for funsies. They are key to BDSM surviving in an unforgiving and judgmental world.
We are responsible for ourselves but also need to keep the safety of others at the forefront of our minds, always.
This lifestyle cannot work if we don't do all we can to preserve its integrity and ensure it lasts for generations to come.
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