Kaysie's Korner

Yes. Yes. Those pesky feelings. We all get them for one reason or another. My job is making me feel stressed. Flowers make me feel appreciated. Suprises make me feel excited. No one judges those feelings. They're natural.

In general, feelings have direct causes (aside from medical conditions like depression). And people are surprised if your feelings don't follow the expected pattern after an event that is known to cause certain types of emotions. Your mother died, you should feel sad. You just got a raise, you should feel happy. You have gum in your hair, you should be upset.

But when it comes to play partners and sessions, our feelings are expected to have a limited range. You play, you aftercare, and you go home. Your play is just that, an escape, a release. And hopefully it will happen again... as long as there are no feelings. It's known that s-types tend to get overly attached. It's seen as a personality flaw. "Why can't someone love what I do to them without falling in love with me?". "Why did she have to get feelings for me? Now I can't play with her anymore or I might break her heart."

That's simply not fair. Play is an emotional experience. S-types are particularly vulnerable to feelings after play. That's why aftercare exists, to help everyone deal with the emotions involved. Aftercare though, can create its own challenges. It's intimacy and intimacy causes feelings. And if you play with any partner on a regular basis, the combination of an emotional event followed by intimacy WILL create an emotional bond. You have a relationship with your play partner(s). Whether that's what you intended to sign up for or not, it exists.

So let's fast forward. It's been a few months (or years). You're now kinky friends with benefits. You both enjoy your time together. Neither of you want it stop. But you find yourself invested, REALLY invested in your play partner. You think about them throughout the day. You don't feel right unless you have a play session scheduled. You find yourself picking apart every bit of communication you recieve from them. You start obsessing over whether they have feelings for you because... well that wouldn't be healthy. This isn't a REAL relationship. Neither of you should be emotionally invested.

But as you're trying to figure out thier emotions, you find your own. You like them... Like LIKE them like them. And you just want to know if you're alone in your emotions. Could this eventually progress in to something more? What more exactly you want, you're not sure. But you want SOMETHING, at least to know if you're the only "crazy" person developing feelings. But that's a catch-22.

If you vocalize your feelings and they aren't reciprocated, you know that the most likely outcome is an abrupt end to your play sessions. Not only do you not want that to happen, but the sheer logistics of finding another compatible partner is an overwhelming prospect.

You could be silent. You could try to keep everything in its pretty compartments and go on with your amazing play sessions, but now you're the one being unfair. Now your partner is unknowingly contributing to your attachment to them. If emotions aren't a path that they are willing to traverse, you're passively violating thier consent. If they find out, your play sessions will likely abruptly end.

And there you are. Feeling scared. Feeling all kinds of feelings. Knowing that things can either go very wrong or very right. You have to take a leap of faith. Take your leap and trust that you can talk through your emotions, and hopefully... you can still play again.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING
This is a true story of consensual non-consent, written from the perspective of my panicked thoughts. This scene was played out in its entirety and is not suitable for anyone.

I had just gotten comfortable in my recliner. I was logging onto my computer when I heard it. My screen door opened, and my door handle jiggled. My heart raced. Holy fuck. Someone was now knocking on my door. I checked the time, 11:47 pm. Who would be knocking this late? He already tried to just open the door. This can't be good.

I run through the house, not wanting to be next to the door if he manages to get inside.

I'm in my bedroom. I'm shaking. I hear the jiggling of the back door knob. Locked. I realize there are windows EVERYWHERE. It's dark outside and my lights are on. He must know where I am. I turn off the lights in the bedroom and sprint through the house turning one light off after another. click... click... click... It's dark inside now too. I'm scared, but at least he can't see my shadow anymore.

I crawl back to my bedroom to avoid detection. My phone rings on my nightstand. "Hello?" "Kaysssiiiieee... You can't hide from me forever..." click

I hear my bedroom window slide open. But there's another interior window blocking entrance. I'm sitting on the floor. I'm shaking. I can't hear anything over my panting. I struggle to calm my breathing so that I can hear his movements. He tries the next window. I don't know if they're all locked. I think they are, but I don't know. My breath catches every time I hear a window squeak. When was the last time I opened a window? Do they even all have locks?

My phone rings. "Who is that in the red dress on your fridge?" I realize he can see my fridge from the window on back door. "If that's all you can see, you're not inside yet". "Clever girl." click

My phone rings again. I silence it. It's quiet outside now. My phone rings again. The silence envelopes me. Nothing. I'm waiting. No noise. No more calls. Nothing.

I slowly crawl to the backdoor wincing every time the floor squeaks under me, avoiding view from the window. I slow my breathing and slowly lift my eyes to the opening in my curtain. I can see the yard illuminated by my neighbors porch light. Everything is still. It feels like I've been hiding all night. I put my ear against the door and strain to hear... Something... Anything... Nothing. Time goes on.

I've calmed down. I don't know how much time has passed. Still silence. He must have left. I peer through the window again. Calm sits on the grass. He must have left. I cannot see the front from inside. I have to know if he is still here. I unlock the bottom lock... And then the sound of unlocking the deadbolt shakes me to my core. I freeze. "He's not out there." I whisper to myself. "He's left. I just have to be sure." I wanted to open the door, to see that everything was as it should be. To know that I'm safe, but my heart froze at the thought that he could be standing just outside... Waiting. But I can see through the window. It's still quiet. Still dark.

I can't do this. I need to smoke.

I crawl back to my bedroom. I light my cigarette and the nicotine calms my nerves as I watch the door. I know he's left. It's been too long. I'm being ridiculous. My thoughts start to wander. What if my door had been unlocked? What was his plan? Was he going to rob me or rape me? Could I have fought him off if he came inside? Oh shit... Is my back door still unlocked?

Heavy footsteps send a chill down my spine. They are coming from the kitchen. I snap my gaze and see a towering, but familiar figure. His smile spread, revealing his darkest intentions.

"OH SHIT!!!" I'm fucked. I have no where to go. I sprint into my bathroom closing the double doors behind me as I hear his footsteps grow closer. These doors don't lock!!! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! The footsteps stop.

I'm holding the handles to the double doors with all of my strength. I hear something unzip. Movement. But I can't tell what it is. Light floods the bathroom from under the doors and suddenly they're being pulled from my hands. My grip tightens, but they're being pulled away from me in quick motions. I throw all of my body weight to pull the doors shut. The left knob rips from my hand and I sit clinging to the right one. I realize he's walking through the other door. What the fuck am I doing?!?!

I stand. I lower myself bracing to run past and my hair is wrapped in his hand, forcing me through the door and onto the floor in my bedroom. There's an arm around my neck. I can't remove it. I can't breathe. I'm gasping. I claw. I go limp. Maybe he'll let me go if I'm limp...

My face is throbbing. His arm tightens around my throat. "Shhhhhh... Calm down". His voice soothes my nerves, but my heart still panicks. I feel his arm flex against my throat. It loosens. His hand grabs at my breasts and he yanks my shirt below them. "You have beautiful tits. Does your husband ever tell you that?" I'm struggling, his arm flexes. His other hand clasps my mouth and nose. He's saying something "...3 seconds and you will..." I'm tired. It loosens. I can breathe again... Barely. He's speaking "...5 seconds... unconscious..." I'm panicking. I can't focus enough to listen! I'm punching his arm... "Please!!!" It's a whisper from my throat. He's flexing. I'm limp. I don't want to die. I'll do anything. I can't speak. He doesn't know... "15 seconds... They'll find your pretty little body..." I'm going to die here. My face is too numb to feel. His flex subsides but still grips at me.
"When you let a dog loose, it will do one of two things..." "I'll be good... I promise" shatters from my lips. "Fuck you!" Screams in my mind.

I'm being dragged backwards onto the bed. His arm is still nestled into my throat. "Since you have two free hands, which is something I seem to be lacking at the moment. I'm going to ask you to take off your pants now." His arm is still around my throat. My thoughts are focused on not angering him. I untie the drawstring and slide my loose pants past my ankles, struggling to not tighten my neck against his arm. My bare pussy sits exposed.

"You're not wearing any panties you dirty girl!" I'm only wearing clothes at all because I was not yet in bed...

I fill with shame as his cold hand touches the wetness between me.
His arm flexes again. I'm going to die tonight. I need to be good.

He releases me. Thoughts of running flash through my mind and are quelled by the fear of when he catches me. I don't want to die. He orders me to put his condom on him. I try to look away and remember how to put them on... It's been so long. I feel his girth for the first time as my hand slides over it. I want to cry.

"Did you ever think you'd be putting a condom on your rapist?"
"No." I whisper as I avert my eyes.
That angered him. In a flash his arm was again around my throat.

"From now on, you will call me Sir. Do you understand?!" "yes sir!" The words ran out of my mouth as soon as the thought entered my mind. Please don't kill me.

"Good girl" he growled in my ear. My face was pushed into the mattress as he inspected me. I'm filled with shame, too afraid to move.

"I have a better idea." I'm ripped to the ground. "If you bite..." I'm staring at it. It's staring at me. What did he say? It doesn't matter. I open my mouth. He hits the back of my throat with speed. I gag. "Your gag reflex is really strong. This is going to be fun." I gag again... and again. It's been forever. I can't keep my mouth wide enough. I'm still gagging.

"Come." I'm being dragged into the bathtub. I know why, but he explains "This is in case you vommit." I know. His assault on my throat continues. I can't think, but I'm not going to vommit. Not for him.

I'm back on the bed. How did this happen? At least I can breathe... His hand engulfs my throat. At least I could breathe. He enters me. He's stretching me. He hits my cervix. He's still pushing deeper! I'm screaming. His hand clamps against my mouth and nose. It's seal is tight. I can't breathe! It hurts!!!

"Shut the fuck up!!! If someone calls the cops we're going to have a REAL problem." It's so deep. I want to cry. I don't dare to resist. I'm quiet. His hand slips from my mouth and I try to bring my mind into a happy place. It's still deep. I feel like he's hitting me deeper on each thrust. Happy place... Happy place... The rhythm is soothing. If I'm going to die tonight I might as well...

"Did you just come for your rapist? How fucked up are you?" I'm ashamed, but my walls are gripping him again, inviting him deeper. His fingers caress me, and his touch quickens my throbbing. I hear a growl as the skin on my shoulder is pinched with his teeth. I yelp, but fluid leaks out of me with each thrust. He pulls from me, and presses again against my asshole.

"Please don't!!!! Please!!!!" It was so big. I've never had something so big in my ass. I'm clenching, but I'm afraid to move. The pressure increases and I'm emboldened. I try to crawl away. He has me. It's no use. His arm is again against my throat. "This can either be one of the most uncomfortable experiences of your life, or your last." "I know..." I'm inches from tears. I have to relax or it's just going to hurt worse. I can't get away. He slides inside. I scream. He tries to stifle them but it's no use. I'm crying. I'm screaming.

"You're being too fucking loud!" He tries to gag me with his underwear. My screams force the gag out of my mouth.

"I'll give you something to do with that mouth."

I'm being dragged again. His angry cock stares at me. I open and I try to please him. Just don't force it back in my ass... My mouth is dry. My mouth is tired. His cock is too thick to fit in comfortably.

"Here, let me help you." My head is yanked back and his spit hits the back of my throat.

I try again. My mouth is so tired. My jaw cannot stay wide enough. He's telling me to swallow. I can't! I can't have this horrible man's cum in my stomach. I'm gagging. He's coming. I turn away as his cum drips from my mouth onto the floor.

"Awe... You couldn't do it." He wipes the cum dripping from my mouth and smears it on my face. Over my eyes. Across my nose and cheeks. I'm trying not to gag and I sit there, shaking, afraid of what might happen next. He's had his fun with me, now what?

A baby wipe rubs against my face. He's cleaning me off. I look at him and I remember the man I knew. He's gentle. He follows me as I crawl into bed. I rest my head on his chest and start to cry. "Shhh... You're okay now... Welcome back to CNC."