Yes. Yes. Those pesky feelings. We all get them for one reason or another. My job is making me feel stressed. Flowers make me feel appreciated. Suprises make me feel excited. No one judges those feelings. They're natural.
In general, feelings have direct causes (aside from medical conditions like depression). And people are surprised if your feelings don't follow the expected pattern after an event that is known to cause certain types of emotions. Your mother died, you should feel sad. You just got a raise, you should feel happy. You have gum in your hair, you should be upset.
But when it comes to play partners and sessions, our feelings are expected to have a limited range. You play, you aftercare, and you go home. Your play is just that, an escape, a release. And hopefully it will happen again... as long as there are no feelings. It's known that s-types tend to get overly attached. It's seen as a personality flaw. "Why can't someone love what I do to them without falling in love with me?". "Why did she have to get feelings for me? Now I can't play with her anymore or I might break her heart."
That's simply not fair. Play is an emotional experience. S-types are particularly vulnerable to feelings after play. That's why aftercare exists, to help everyone deal with the emotions involved. Aftercare though, can create its own challenges. It's intimacy and intimacy causes feelings. And if you play with any partner on a regular basis, the combination of an emotional event followed by intimacy WILL create an emotional bond. You have a relationship with your play partner(s). Whether that's what you intended to sign up for or not, it exists.
So let's fast forward. It's been a few months (or years). You're now kinky friends with benefits. You both enjoy your time together. Neither of you want it stop. But you find yourself invested, REALLY invested in your play partner. You think about them throughout the day. You don't feel right unless you have a play session scheduled. You find yourself picking apart every bit of communication you recieve from them. You start obsessing over whether they have feelings for you because... well that wouldn't be healthy. This isn't a REAL relationship. Neither of you should be emotionally invested.
But as you're trying to figure out thier emotions, you find your own. You like them... Like LIKE them like them. And you just want to know if you're alone in your emotions. Could this eventually progress in to something more? What more exactly you want, you're not sure. But you want SOMETHING, at least to know if you're the only "crazy" person developing feelings. But that's a catch-22.
If you vocalize your feelings and they aren't reciprocated, you know that the most likely outcome is an abrupt end to your play sessions. Not only do you not want that to happen, but the sheer logistics of finding another compatible partner is an overwhelming prospect.
You could be silent. You could try to keep everything in its pretty compartments and go on with your amazing play sessions, but now you're the one being unfair. Now your partner is unknowingly contributing to your attachment to them. If emotions aren't a path that they are willing to traverse, you're passively violating thier consent. If they find out, your play sessions will likely abruptly end.
And there you are. Feeling scared. Feeling all kinds of feelings. Knowing that things can either go very wrong or very right. You have to take a leap of faith. Take your leap and trust that you can talk through your emotions, and hopefully... you can still play again.
