jus thinkin outloud

i keep gettin asked out to places but end up goin alone, people at work who i thought where askin an offerin to come with jus give me single tickets to shit, so it's like i'm goin on dates with myself lol i ain't complaining too much, the company aint too bad an i love an excuse to get dressed up, but still makes me feel lil weird. they think about me enough to get me these tickets but not really interested enough to come with, which is fine, it's jus been a while since i been on any kind of date with another person. even before i moved i went out on dates with jus myself, but it feels kinda lonely now that i'm comin home to an empty house, well, kinda empty i still have my cats <3 

i guess this isn't really anything kink related, jus was gettin ready an kept thinkin too much an needed to let it out a lil before i left, going to really treat myself tonight, got paid today so i'm thinkin steak lol 

i was readin through the blogs again today before work an stumbled across a link that kinda gave me a lil epiphany an also a good laugh at myself lol i knew the one thing that was drawin me to bdsm was the tpe or cnc lifestyle? when i was fillin out the lil checklist i put cnc as a immediate no, the non consent really put me off, but i read this article/post an realized it's the same damn thing i been thinkin/fantasying about for a while now lol i had never heard it called that before, but to be honest i jus very recently realized the type of relationship i was seekin was called tpe too so lol 

i've read bdsm fics and stories before online, mostly they jus smut of course, but there's this one fic that i keep comin back to an rereadin several times that went into the tpe/cnc dynamic an i had never read or heard of anythin like that before. at first i thought it was very controllin but idk over time i started seein the amount of trust there is in it, givin up so much of yourself to another like that jus seems very peaceful?? trustin a person like that an knowin that everythin they havin me do is not to harm me but better me or help me in some way, an the want to be an do good for another like that. idk i'm bad at puttin shit into words but i think this is the biggest thing that i am seekin an wantin for myself, it looks jus to rewardin for both people in the relationship. 

i think i been tryin to find this dynamic in past relationships but idk the level of trust wasn't there, i feel like it can only be really found in these bdsm types of relationships. the level of communication is like the biggest part and must in these types of relationships, in order to do anything there has to be talks an discussions of what is expected of each other, what the other is willin an unwillin to do. idk again i never really had a relationship like this online or irl jus goin off what i've read. past relationships i feel like talkin to each other like that wasn't necessary?? there were already unspoken societal exceptions of each other an i had a hard time following em bein queer an nonbinary so lol always felt let down an like i was failing all my partners in some way

jus tryin to learn more bout myself an what i'm seekin :)

the last two days since i've joined this site i have been jus readin an readin, got a lot of tabs open, really interestin stuff. i had very lil understandin of everything, most of my info comin from the gay erotica i've read ( an those didn't really delve into the history of it all lol), an while i was joinin i tried to prepare myself that this was gonna be a predominately hetero/cis space. that's not a bad thing per say, i've seen a lot of the same people postin or commentin all over this site an so far people are lookin very open minded an acceptin, overall very kind an helpful, seen quite a few queer/LGBQTA+ people as well, but i have also seen some disconcernin stuff as well. i try not to focus on that, already have to deal with that shit in my day to day life, jus ignorin that for now an usin this time to learn an read others experiences.

outside of the fics and stories i've read this is the first time i sought out information an others in this community. i mean i was a SB for about a year in college but idk if that necessarily falls under kinky? i called some old men daddy but idk i was doin it to eat an not for my own pleasure. an i was more open bout that than i am bout this, no one knows this bout me lol 

still gonna keep readin an seekin out information, i have jus been thinkin bout this for years now really but was always too scared or ashamed to really let myself explore this part of myself, livin in southern baptist usa really suppresses the shit outta ya lol but i've been more open bout a lot of things this year that i thought i would never be able to, like my sexuality an gender identify, an thats been very freein so i'm jus gonna check this out an see :)

gonna use this blog to think outloud bout what i'm learnin/seein/feelin please feel free to comment, i would love to talk to some of yall :) 

but yea don't expect any poetry or deep thinkin from me lol