i was readin through the blogs again today before work an stumbled across a link that kinda gave me a lil epiphany an also a good laugh at myself lol i knew the one thing that was drawin me to bdsm was the tpe or cnc lifestyle? when i was fillin out the lil checklist i put cnc as a immediate no, the non consent really put me off, but i read this article/post an realized it's the same damn thing i been thinkin/fantasying about for a while now lol i had never heard it called that before, but to be honest i jus very recently realized the type of relationship i was seekin was called tpe too so lol
i've read bdsm fics and stories before online, mostly they jus smut of course, but there's this one fic that i keep comin back to an rereadin several times that went into the tpe/cnc dynamic an i had never read or heard of anythin like that before. at first i thought it was very controllin but idk over time i started seein the amount of trust there is in it, givin up so much of yourself to another like that jus seems very peaceful?? trustin a person like that an knowin that everythin they havin me do is not to harm me but better me or help me in some way, an the want to be an do good for another like that. idk i'm bad at puttin shit into words but i think this is the biggest thing that i am seekin an wantin for myself, it looks jus to rewardin for both people in the relationship.
i think i been tryin to find this dynamic in past relationships but idk the level of trust wasn't there, i feel like it can only be really found in these bdsm types of relationships. the level of communication is like the biggest part and must in these types of relationships, in order to do anything there has to be talks an discussions of what is expected of each other, what the other is willin an unwillin to do. idk again i never really had a relationship like this online or irl jus goin off what i've read. past relationships i feel like talkin to each other like that wasn't necessary?? there were already unspoken societal exceptions of each other an i had a hard time following em bein queer an nonbinary so lol always felt let down an like i was failing all my partners in some way
jus tryin to learn more bout myself an what i'm seekin :)