Desires are so indefinable. What I want from one person does not mirror what I want from another, or at all in some cases. So many people, in this community specifically it seems as well, know exactly what it is that they want. Unwavering. Staunch and confident, defined.
It's not enviable, but curious. Not sure how observing those so far removed from my own process of existence benefits me but it's a good feeling, to see people be so sure of themselves and how they operate. I don't understand it, and I'm not sure that the same actions twice will ever result in continuity. The deep longing that draws me back over and over again is for intimacy and safety.
The last relationship that I found myself in had an abundance of intimacy, but no safety. The one time actually became vulnerable, I was told it was "scary" and he didn't realize "things were really that bad for [me]". Not that he didn't believe me.
I'm happy being alone until I find a medium.
