Mindspace

I have a scene in my mind. Like a shadow in the moonlight; so beautiful in it's contrast. Dark and light, duality at its finest. It grows in strength. 

Dark blue, inky, deep as if it could swallow me in, thoes blankets tease me so. My mind wrapped in it's royal embrace, cool and calm. A promise of pure serenity. 

His hands, hot and slightly abrasive on my smooth skin, the stimulation alone enough to cause my core to ignite, my breath to quicken and my heart rate to spike. 

A blindfold. Even such an mundane thing as this, intentionally placed is a tool for sensations. Cutting my first sense; delicious deprivation.

I must focus on his words, not his touch...but his touch drives the deepest need in me, the need to be filled, the need to be nothing but pleasure; to exist in a state of being yet not. A cloud so delicate in the sunset, floating without a care in the world just allowing the gentle breeze to carry me. 

Focus. 

Cold and hard...something touched my right ribs.. startled by bite of a quick touch.. then on my thighs.. my neck..what is it..he teases my wonton body with? 

Then a sting on my right breast; pain blooming from the place of impact, I cry out the pain consuming my body awakening every nerve ending. My blood pumps and rushes to the area making a beautiful red mark appear.

A work of art on my skin and you're the artist. I hear your breath hitch... I become even more aroused.

Your arousal makes me aroused; I can't help but let out a whimper of desire. 

"Such a good girl, so paitent for me." His voice growls behind me.

Circling me.

His prey.

A rabbit caught in a snare, only willingly so.

What a deviant of a rabbit.

What a sadist this wolf. 

Where will he strike next, his brush strokes his canvas; across my lower abdomen. I cry out again in beautiful agony. My tears fall from under the blindfold and I feel him still. His energy suddenly stopping it's swirl around me. I hitch my breath and bite my lip. Where is he.

Suddenly his hand grabs mine ripping it from the chair arms I had been griping and place it upon him; his shift struggles to get free from the denim confining it like the battering ram of mordor it stands firm and intimidating. 

"This is how much I want you." he growls again into my ear.

His beard grazing my shoulder causing gooseflesh to erupt over my arm and my nipples to harden painfully. 

He has yet to touch me how I want him to the most. I am in sweet agony. 

Yet, I wait. Patiently. 

His good girl. 

His girl

His. 

This scene I crave so badly.

Sir, please use this slave. Use her as she so deeply craves. She has been a good girl. She has been paitent. She has be brave.

Please bless her with your exquisite pain. 

-Pandaish

It feels like there is a balloon about to burst in my chest. A basketball with too much air: one pump away from utter decimation. 

It feels like my heart is about to combust; the fire within has begun to consume my veins and swallow my soul. 

Every day I destroy myself. Sometimes as a form of self punishment, other times simply from choosing to stay. A petal falls from the rose under the glass dome; the magic slowly dying. 

When you give so much of yourself that you forget who you are how do you go about picking up the pieces of what's left? 

Will thoes whom claim to love me now also change their minds in the future..

Being nerurotypical must be so lovely. To be able to move one with such ease; to just leave. 

My autistic brain says I have no right but my heart and soul want to cry out and scream, they want to run and break and punsh and kick and destroy. 

I'm so tired, of being the bad guy, or being the hard one, of being the one no one can handle. 

For once. I just want to be empty. Not fulled with rage like molten metal. 

Hollow like a goard floating up the river. 

I'm tired of containing this rage. I need to expell  it.  

But how...?

-Pandaish

I hate the holidays. People running around, merry and joyus.

I hate how frenzied people get. It triggers my anxiety. 

I hate how everyone wishes me a happy holiday, they don't know, but it won't happen. 

I will cry today, not just once but multiple times. 

This is grief. This is mourning. This is pain. 

I hate the holidays. 

Something that is in almost every single American household; not normally given much thought. That spot on the counter under the cabinet to the right; the light from the hood of the stove illuminates it just so perfectly. 

Coffee, to me, was a reminder of sickness and exhaustion; that little girl on the floor of the packed N.A. meeting next to the coffee machine with a fever of 103°. 

Addicts like their coffee you know, if you've ever been to one of thoes places, a small room dimly lit. A circle of people all desperately trying to heal. The emotions that fill thoes room could make a grown man's heart bleed. 

But coffee was always available. 

I had never thought that, as a tea drinker myself, I would ever experience that camaraderie of thoes drinking coffee. 

Till that day, and every day since. 

I now understand why people love coffee so. It doesn't only warm you and give you the options of sweet or bitter, but it also beings together souls. 

Our souls.

Something about the way he looks at me over that cup of steaming coffee like I am the only thing that matters in the world, is something I've grown to look forward to. 

His double cappuccino steaming the window as the raindrops give us a front row seat to the ball.

My mocha simply happy to be in his profound presence. 

Coffee for me, now, is a whole experience. It no longer contains that sick little girl, but the woman who feel seen and heard. 

The heat warming my hands as his hands warm my arms, both so comforting and peaceful. A fluffy warm bed on a rainy day. 

Coffee..

-Pandaish

My Mother once told me: through suffering and pain there is light. A crack in the closet door as you hid; giving you enough light to see your favorite bears smile. 

She told me though heartbreak and disappointment I would learn to see the world anew. A snake shedding her skin into a fresher cleaner more confident version of herself.

For years you held my head above the torental waters; protected me from the beasts below. 

Oh Mother! Hear your daughter cry out in triumph! 

For she has surfaced reborn! No longer shackled by others expectations and burdened by their beliefs! She has found a way to be wholly herself and she had found thoes who love her for her! 

My Mother, Maiden, Crone! You have blessed me! I will be your disciple forevermore! At the crossroads where we met, with your key to my destiny, I bring you this offering;

The daisy that sat on the window seal; watching my pain. Holding my agony, and cradling my grief. 

It belongs to you, I offer you my pain and my suffering, my negative thoughts and my uncertainty!

Take it all from me! Oh, Mother! 

In exchange, I will tribute all of my newfound happiness and power to you my goddess! 

Thank you, Oh Mother, to saving me in my darkest time and showing my the light at the bottom of the cliff..

For I have found Love, I have found Grace.

I have found everything I've been searching for. 

-Pandaish

In a field abuzz with life; golden waves of grain in the swirls of the cool mountain breeze. A deep calm green. A stark contrast to His icy blue; a glacier against the deep ocean. Striking.

The pine trees whisper our desires though our curly hair. The sweet scent of clover and honey blends in His scent; Oud and Bergmont caressing us like opium in the air lingering inside our very souls.

The sun kissing our bare skin, hot and soothing; His hands as they memorize our every curve and dip. The silky clouds in the sky floating across our cheeks lazily and seductively. 

The solid warm earth beneath us, steady and at peace; His chest as he holds us tightly, His heart beat reminds us that we are alive and we are His. A promise in His arms that says:

*We are safe.*

*We are Loved.*

A babbling brook to the right, a gentle song swaying to the rhythm of our souls; His laughter, His voice. Like a contemporary woodwind it's tone is warm like amber, joy in every note. 

As I look over to my sister in arms, her eyes meet mine. A silent conversation; a mutual agreement. We must protect, We must love, We must be His completely. 

Together We will be His. 

Together We will keep Him safe. 

A fluffle in the field natural and pure. Together We will hop through this large field of a world and learn how to be,

Together

Us Three. 

As the sun sets, We watch our Alpha be His truest self. Strong, brave, kind and compassionate. Our hands intertwined with rope, a promise is made; with our all We will be His. 

Alpha! Hears us as We call! We crave you to Our very souls! Your joy gives us strength! Your passion makes us weak! Please Sir, kiss us with your palm! Mark our bodies so the world may know;

That We are Yours 

And

You are Ours. 

A fluffle in a field of clover and honey, we together we are one. 

-Pandaish 

This world is filled with shapes; geometric puzzle pieces connecting every cell in our universe. The wild grapevine twisting around the  fencepost, warm and unaffected by passerbys. Immune to hatred and dismay. 

Let us exist together, thrive, be happy, be at peace. We will paint this world with a pallet of experiences. Tears and laughter. Excitement and joy. Together we support each other. 

Three. 

Us together. Us and He. 

Because we are a triangle. The strongest shape on earth. We will stay strong and together we will find everything we crave. Everything we need. Because we are we not I not he. We are whole, unable to be broken. 

Let's run head first, hand in hand! Let's go on this adventure together my sister in arms! I'll have your blind spots as He has our backs. 

For he is our Alpha.

And we are his Betas.

An unbreakable team.

"A triangle is considered the strongest geometric shape because it is inherently rigid, meaning it cannot change its shape without altering the length of its sides, allowing it to distribute force evenly across all three sides, making it highly resistant to deformation under pressure." 

I strongly believe that love is the strongest and purest form of energy on this planet, existing in so many forms it is everywhere. Respect is the next. A mutual agreement between souls that see kinship in one another. Trust is the scariest part for me. To be vulnerable; naked, bare your soul and heart on a silver platter, to allow yourself to be loved and cared for by thoes who want to do so without having to ask...that is hard for me, but I am ready. 

-Pandaish

The ember now aflame, anticipation hot and raw like the surface of the sun, yet I am not afraid to be burned.

On the contrary, 

I crave you. I need to feel your scalding fingertips as they drag the pleasure from my very atoms. Into the cosmos my mind explodes into a million pieces. 

I want to feel your propritorial claws mark my skin; the deepest reminder of whom I belong. The soft cold leather around my neck, biting into my skin aflame keeping me in the atmosphere.

I want to feel your hard body against my softer one. Your arms fit perfectly around my waist, my face in your neck; Intoxicating balance created in the foothold of nature itself; the elegant free fall of raptors' Vows.

I yearn for your breath in my ear, a reminder that your desire for me affects you more then your stoic gaze let's on. Your deliciously tight control about to break as I see your jaw tighten. I can smell my own arousal. 

I beg for your hand. Lay it on me as you see fit for my body is 

Yours 

Alone.

I need your fire to consume me entirely, make me that mindless toy. Use me over and over and never let me go. Drown me in your scent; let me loose my sense of self. To become one again with the universe of only for a moment.

Closer 

And

Closer

My body synched with yours it reacts to your commands as naturally as taking in air. Allow me to breathe you in deeply and become entrapped by your essence. 

Allow me to believe, if only for a moment there is no one and nothing but you and I in this entire universe; chosen by the stars themselves. Do we defy them? 

The anticipation of all you promise fills like my veins will split and my core will explode. Please touch me. If I loose myself, I am going to loose myself to you.

-Pandaish 

Let's talk about Surrender. An elephant on my shoulders I felt chained down. Bound by my own sense of duty I suffered and wilted; that lone daisy in the window seal of my kitchen.

Being a child born from addiction. I learned to keep together control of everything I could. Tightly I wove my control into my very bones; barbed wire writhing around my ribs and through my lungs. 

My mother was a woman of free love. She loved whoever kept her safe, a term she used loosely. Her love came in the shades of blue and purple and always hid it's best behind a smile. A raindrop on a dreary day. 

My journey to heal myself has be long and hard; Never ending and as bitter as a grudge of a woman scorned. I have learned that my love is pure and big enough for more then a single person. I love who I love. I don't hold back. I don't give a little of myself. 

I love

With all

That I am. 

Surrender has come with serenity. A peace I am only just getting to meet. I am a woman of density. A purity of love that I won't let years of pain and scorn tarnish for I know how rare and truly beautiful it is.

I surrender to fate, threads of burlap and silk tightly woven on the tapestry of my life. 

-Pandaish 

I can still feel the press of his lips, soft and harsh at the same time. In an instant the dingy, rainy day turned into a rainbow of explosion, suddenly the sun was pushing its way into my space, giving me no other choice but to be consumed by his light. 

He lit a fire that had been barely embers for years. Flames erupt, consume; they lick at my ribs and kiss my thighs. A fireplace on a cold snowy day, his scent burns my nose and swirls within my mind. All consuming, and I am so ready to be swallowed. 

The desire that I had tied tightly, bound by my control and my walls, bursts through like a failed dam, gushing from within me. I am ready. A simple touch, a moment of intense passion. 

I wanted to dive head first into his complexity. 

I wanted to feel his heat from within, all over, consuming and raw. 

Wait. Not yet. Just a taste of what is to come. Enough to keep me coming back over and over. 

I want him and his kiss told me he wanted me too. 

-Pandaish