A sigh hangs at the back of my throat. Today was hard: a cold rock on the river bank on a wet dreary day.
I refused to let pain win; I held my shield high and kept my smile bright. My kind words; the sharpest blade. My compassion my arrow and quiver; my love the bow.
There were times I thought the arrowhead of the enemy might have passed through my armor; reflexes of a war aged worrier had saved me once again and with a dynamic dance I navigated the day.
I gave my last piece of bread to the hungry just to see the smile on his face. Driven by some unseen duty I give myself. *Self punishment?*
But..
I am exhausted at the end of my daily battle. Nothing left to give but my words..and sometimes not even thoes.
Sometimes I mess up.
Sometimes I say stupid things.
Sometimes I unintentionally hurt thoes I love the most.
And it kills me to know that if I had just not given my everything to everyone else and saved enough for the ones I love the most, I would not hurt them as I do by accident. A horse running so fast and hard that it's heart gives out.
My brain circles;
"It's your fault"
"You always mess up somehow."
The voice in my head that tells me as soon as I relax, I hurt someone. I am a monster. I am pathetic. The creature looking back at me in the mirror; fangs dripping with the carnage of my loved ones hearts.
I'm sorry I messed up.. even if I don't know what I did.
My sigh hangs heavy in the back of my throat. I dare not let it loose as I couldn't dare the risk of being seen as burdensome or dramatic.
The sigh hangs...
-Pandaish
