Katastrophe incarnate

Darlings I’m alive if unwell. 

Your lovely Lady Kat is down with an ear infection and a case of strep throat! Can you imagine my displeasure?!?

Just last night I was enjoying some fantastic quality time with my partner. My every need seen to! 

  Today I wake to the world muffled, a water balloon of lava sloshing just behind each eardrum, and a mildly sore throat from drainage! 

  At least the doctor I saw today was nice, young and flirty, with a charming smile and nice eyes. I can’t deny enjoying that part of the visit, even if the diagnosis and required follow ups won’t be half as pleasant. 

  Ah well, I’m alive and being seen to, and I’ve got a lovely cup of tea courtesy my devoted partner. 

Distract me. 
 Stop my worries. 

  Hold my hand through the fear. 

   I won’t break. 

     I can’t let it win.  
        When it’s over I’ll be stronger. 
      I won’t let it win. 
   Nothing will break me. 

  You’re with me. 

This will pass. 

To be a Lady is to control one’s emotions. 

That’s why the anger bubbling away in me is at a simmer, not boiling out and all over those unfortunate enough to be near me. 

Some disgusting individuals have behaved with such malice I’m unsure my composure will hold for me to relay the details. Despite my anger the warning should be given. 

  People are taking seemingly innocent images from vile videos, things most people agree shouldn’t exist. They take the image, apply an innocuous caption and because the image is from where it’s from, the account is deleted and reported for such materials. So please be careful of odd memes and things from people you don’t know terribly well. 

    From where im sitting this is pure malice and I don’t want to imagine the type of person who’d do such things. 

For now I’m going to take a breath, and a break, reminding myself I’m a lady, and this is too will pass. 

Halloween is upon us and the madness has crept in as usual. 

  As I’ve got another three events over the next few days. I may not be on much over the next few days. 

Fear not darlings! I will return after the madness relents! 

  Till then, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, which leaves those options rather wide open! 

EFFORT 

  Practice, labour, work, all these words synonyms for the only way being me happens! 

  I don’t roll out of bed, perfectly put together, hair coiffed, clothing perfect, face made up! 

   I have to dress, and style, and prepare, and work! 

   I don’t appear in public perfectly poised by chance. I don’t look like a Pin Up by accident. 

   Granted the curves I’m blessed with are helpful in achieving that look. Won’t lie, I do use the natural resources I’m provided with to my best advantage. 

   But using them properly is still work. One doesn’t disregard the corset just because the natural curves are already defined. 

    Now why am I ranting about effort? 

  Well darlings, I was verbally assaulted by vanilla relatives today about my mode of dress. 
a dress and long socks, with my face done and boots. Please don’t stone me, I’m but a simple lovely Lady! 

   See with these relatives, I can’t win. If I appear in yoga pants and no makeup, I’m not taking pride in my appearance. If I’m wearing my usual makeup and vintage-ish pinup goth style, I’m too dressed up and covering my lovely face. If I’m wearing jeans and a band shirt with light makeup, I’m still slovenly and should spruce myself up a bit. No wins to be found here. 

    So I’m here, ranting, because I looked fantastic today, and practiced the makeup i want for Halloween’s Witch of the Web look, and all I got was a twenty minute lecture on glorifying witchcraft and how my favorite holiday is corrupting my family. 

    My partner was born on Halloween, our family is going to go all out no matter what. As to glorifying witchcraft, as the proud witch goth Lady, yet another ship that has long since sailed. Now excuse me while I make myself look even more pansexual just to get the full effect of everything that bugs that side of the family. 

Well darlings, I’ve not gone out to deal with the masses today.

     Today was the day for a bit of baking and replenishing my syrups. While being my usual extra self of course. 

   I’ve made two loaves of molasses brown bread, a batch of brownies, a batch of scones, and have two batches of pumpkin rolls rising now. 

While all that’s been going in and out of the oven, the stovetop has been equally active. 

Lavender, chamomile, and elderberry syrups are cooling. Coffee and lavender lemonade concentrates are bottled and stored. Orange, coffee and brown sugar liquers are mixed and stored to steep for their potency to the side as well. 

   The kitchen smells amazing at least, and my partner has been adorable helping me. Granted his job has mostly been doing the bending and looking after our niece while I’m working in the kitchen. 

  See I’m not always dealing with horrid people in my hometown. Some days I stay home! 

Just when I thought I was feeling back to normal, Mother Nature throws the biological curveball. 

   So I’ll be here curled up by the fire, a cup of tea in my hand and a book to keep me occupied. 

I’ve been a dull thing this morning readers, catching up on some correspondence, working on a project and watching a couple movies I thoroughly enjoyed. All at the same time because that’s how my brain works. 

  But upon returning from my shower to dress and prepare for the afternoon, a curious new message awaited me. 

  How I wish leash laws applied online as well! 

   Gather round darlings, it’s tea time with Lady Kat! 

  Now that we are all comfortable, a bit of back story. For some godforsaken reason, people who went to school with me think I give half a damn what they’re doing with their lives. I keep up with the ones I care to and those who haven’t earned that distinction may exist in their own delusions far the fuck away from me! 

  One such blight on my memory chose to contact me, and while I won’t go into particulars, has chosen to blame me for their recent marital woes. I had to slog through their poor grammar and pitiful attempts at insults, “attention seeking slut” being the most well thought out one. 

  Apparently they married one of the young men I went to school with, poor dear, and blames him seeing me and several of our former classmates for lunch a few months ago as the reason he’s leaving her. It can’t possibly be that she’s a toxic cow with the social grace of a goblin bog witch, no it must be the goth chick he sat next to in a group of eight. I was confused barely having spoken to the man at that lunch. I was far too busy catching up with the couple who’d come all the way across country to see family and made time to have this lunch! They’ve been gone almost a decade, for pity’s sake I spent the time discussing the watercolor portrait they wanted to commission me to do. I gave everyone at lunch a card with my email on it, this was obviously my mistake. 

   Now, personally I found her attempts at insult funny, but the attached picture in the email caused me the hardest eye roll of the week.it was a smile, not salacious, not alluring, but a simple smile. He was holding my chair back as I was sitting down, and I dared to smile at him in thanks. I know, I’m a terrible Jezebel, practically the Whore of Babylon, smiling at a man for being chivalrous.

Oh and let’s not forget how I was dressed, do please control the drooling dears, but a goth Velma Dinkley adequately describes my outfit. Black turtleneck sweater, black skirt, and tights and Mary janes. My hair was pinned up in a bun and I looked ready to either solve a mystery or collect a late fee on your overdue library books. To read the message you’d think I dressed as Elvira. 

Scandal! But let’s be fair to the brainless assailant here, I have before and often do dress with that goddess of the night as inspiration. Just not this time. 

  Shock of the century I didn’t give it another thought. The few people I spent any time with after high school were those few weirdos like me, punks with impeccable manners, goths who recite random poetry at hate protesters, theater kids with all of the Bard’s best insults memorized. The gentleman in question was one of the band kids who hovered outside that group but was polite and cordial when meeting in public. He was invited to our little lunch when he moved back to town, but the new wife is what we call “peaked in highschool” and is not aware no one appreciates her “advice”. 

No sooner than I read the email did a new one pop up. Explaining how the cow got my email, from the card I gave everyone in the group. And how apologetic the husband is his soon to be ex is harassing me. I’ve passed along the name of a lovely lawyer friend to him, and ignored her. The blasted woman has since sent five emails calling me the worst insults her limited vocabulary can come up with. I’ve since forwarded them to her husband for use in the upcoming proceedings. 

    I’m meeting the poor man for lunch next week with my partner and a couple other friends. The lawyer being one of them, should make for a lively discussion don’t you think? 

Oh darlings, don’t you just hate it when you have to disavow the ignorant of their dearly cherished misconceptions? 

Who the hell do I think I’m kidding, you all know I live for these moments! 

Now come in close, it’s story time with Lady Kat! Everyone get comfy, this one has three absolute characters. 

First we have a charming young person, politely doing their job and minding their business like any normal human being. Dressed appropriately for their job, nothing out of the normal range, wouldn’t have been mentioned if not for me. 

We’ve mentioned before that Lady Kat here is hard of hearing. So when my father offered to take me to lunch while we were running our errands, when we got to the restaurant the server was wearing a mask. This isn’t mandatory but a lot of people in my area who work good service or at the schools tend to still wear them. Well this young person was rather soft spoken, and I asked them to just speak up as I’ve not had even my usual poor hearing in a week. 

They couldn’t do that, and my father piped up that I can read lips if that helped. They nodded and pulled off their mask. This is where the other two players in todays performance enter. 

  We shall call them, Busybody and Combover. Busybody was the type of woman who still wears enough hairspray daily to account for the hole in the ozone layer and has a “Live Laugh Love” decoration in at least three rooms of her home. Combover obviously married her out of some demented obligation before they finished college and looks at young women  just a bit too long when Busybody isn’t looking. Both have serious issues with facial piercings as we shall soon witness. 

The server had both a septum piercing as well as a labret. I also have a labret piercing. This becomes a feature of our tale. 

Approximately 32 seconds after they removed their mask to speak to me, Busybody begins spluttering about “unprofessional” and other bullshit. Combover begins snapping, actually snapping, at the server. 

The kid turns bright red and tries to signal them they’d be with them in a moment, as we’d just started to order.

Cue more snapping and hugging. My father started to get anxious. He knows me you see? 

I put in my order for the salad on special, a lovely Caesar with grilled salmon, fantastic really. Then stood and turned to the couple who were haranguing the server. 

 Now I’m not a purposefully antagonistic person, but some things set me off and the full force of my personality comes out. My father knows that look, and usually he takes steps to avoid the blast radius. 

Today he motioned the server away, and the poor kid scurried over afraid another tirade was waiting for them at our table. Dad just smiled at them kindly and told them to enjoy the show. 

I waved the older lady at the front of the restaurant over, knowing exactly who she is. You see that’s the benefit of having such a social family, that enjoys dining out, so the managers and owners of these small family restaurants we love so much? We recognize all of them. And wouldn’t you know it, they know us too. 

   As Combover starts blustering at me, loud enough for not only me to hear, but the rest of the restaurant, the owner makes her way over. The look on her face as thunderous as my mood. 

I informed Busybody that being rude is not in-fact their right as a customer, and the hairspray hoarder looked aghast I’d spoken to her over her ill mannered companion.  He started trying to speak over me, poor dear, and seemed surprised when I ignored him entirely only increasing my volume speaking to his dining partner. 

  This went on for the three or so minutes until the owner got to us, her knees are what they used to be and I honestly think she was enjoying the show. The server was looking between the rude couple and me and their boss, my father was resigned this was happening. 

   Finally Busybody can’t take the volume, or perhaps was embarrassed, and asks me why I’m ignoring the lout with her. 

“Because men who behave so ignorantly out in public don’t have anything to say I care to listen to” 

By this time the owner was with us, greeting me and my father with a smile that blew the wind right out of Combover’s sails. 

He still had the audacity to demand the server remove their jewelry at work, calling it unprofessional and claiming I was being antagonistic and rude as well and be made to leave. 

To her credit she didn’t laugh out loud. I did, the server sniggered, even Dad let out a chuckle. 

The server is the owner’s grandchild. She paid for the piercings. The chances she’d enforce such a moronic idea is laughable. Busybody was already embarrassed, Combover seemed to think I’d still be possible to remove. 

Nope. 

I’ve done multiple watercolors for not only their restaurant, but my last portrait was of the same grandchild for their grandparents forty-fifth anniversary. I was commissioned by their eldest daughter, who went to school with my mother. Don’t you just love small towns? 

I am fully aware I am too much for some people. 

Intimidating, one of the favorite words to describe me. 

Dramatic? Yes I suppose I can be. 

My intensity is not to be diminished just because some people can’t handle me. 

I learned a long time ago what to tell people who seem to be made so uncomfortable by me. 

CHOKE