Well darlings, by that title I’m sure you can guess I have a little story for you. So settle in and get comfortable, perhaps a nice hot cup of coffee? Or tea should you so prefer?
Now as can be expected, I don’t put full effort in before I’m properly caffeinated. Wearing my natural face, letting my hair fall in its natural waves, even forgoing dressing properly. I know such a shock! But really under my coat you’d never know I’m in a vintage nightgown and robe, except for anyone reading this and my partner that sees it most mornings.
Anyways, this particular morning I was perhaps a bit late, and couldn’t make my coffee at home, no trouble a quick stop at the starbies, and one far kinder Lady Kat returns home to dress and prep for a day out and about.
Or so I thought.
I was standing in line, as the drive thru was backed up nearly into the main road, and therefore not an option to me, and the man directly behind me began testing the very dregs of whatever patience I had leftover from yesterday. Muttering about “girls today” and “no pride in appearances”.
At first I was confused, the woman ahead of me was dressed in scrubs and seemed to be heading home from a shift at the hospital, but still normal enough. The college students seated across the store were both in hoodies and messy buns but not out of the norm either. The hyper critical man kept muttering. I got more annoyed, the man ordering at the counter really should have used the app to order ahead as it appeared he was ordering for the entire office, but I wasn’t in a hurry for any reason but to be away from the grump behind me.
I glanced back to see who he was looking at and my dislike was solidified when I see I my self am the object of his disdain. I smiled and pulled my earbud out, and he stopped muttering.
“It’s been a while since someone referred to me as a girl” turning back to the front as the man finally finished ordering and the tired woman ordered a shocking amount of espresso shots in her latte.
Of course rather than apologizing for his rude remarks, Prof Audacity chose to double down. He was dressed like a professor in an old college comedy, complete with sport coat and bad hair. I choose to ignore most of his words, but phrases like “no pride in appearances” and “no effort” and “never find a man like that” poked through the veil of indifference.
I couldn’t hold back the laugh with that last bit. He took great offense at my laugh. Poor thing.
By this time I was at the front and placed my order which earned a scoff from the professor to which I turned fully around and requested his opinion as he so desperately wished to give it. In my lowest boots I was still looking down on the idiot. Points for his testicular fortitude, he didn’t back down.
“That’s a very fattening drink.”
One blink
Two
On the third blink both I and the barista behind me burst out laughing.
“Oh no, a man I don’t know, or care anything about, thinks my mocha will make me fat! However will I recover from such a blow!” The barista was cackling at my false drama. The manager struggled to keep his face straight reminding her to get back to work, and the others working behind the counter all shook with trying to keep it in.
A caffeine devotee of my caliber obviously makes friends with the people making my coffee, at three cafes at minimum, so my antics are nothing new here. But the audacious one had no idea what he’d stepped into. And being laughed at wasn’t his preference to start the day.
As I pulled out my phone to pay, the shoulder of my coat slipped down, I didn’t bother to fix it as I went to sit and wait for my drink. The silk of my robe showed clearly, and I couldn’t care less that the jerk glared, like the secrets of the universe were in that bit of silk and he was upset by the answers.
I thought the interaction was done when I grabbed my drink, but that wasn’t to be the case.
“I’m just trying to help you.”
Oh darlings, I won’t repeat what I told the condescending bastard, partially because I was so angry I hardly recall what all I said. Heseemed shocked by my assertion that his “help” was nothing more than a poorly veiled attempt to shame a woman wholly unknown to him, who he has no chance in several hells with. For what purpose? So I’d be grateful to some misogynistic prick for making me some version of woman I don’t want to be? Some twig of a girl with no self worth beyond what some man sees fit to bestow on me?
Now, to my gorgeous girls reading this who are thin, you are beautiful and I mean no offense, but I’m a healthy plump Goddess of a woman. We can all agree I look damn good plump and healthy, and I’m happy to express in the most passionate language the beauty that is each and every person willing to open themself to the experience. Between the artists eye and the pansexual heart, the pictures I’ll paint with both word and actual paint will leave no doubt of the beauty I find.
The Prof of Audacity however, he’s opened to the harsher side of that nature. His eyes bugged out, most unattractively, at my tirade, the color draining from his face leaving his complexion a most unbecoming greyed white. His mouth kept opening as if he meant to interject some other drivel to the proceedings, but as I clearly had the floor and was at one point dating him to try and speak over me? He remained mute. The sport coat he wore might have been smart had he ever thought to have it tailored but as it sat, too broad at the shoulder and too wide at the waist, not much to say about that. He may have been a nicely proportioned man, if not for the ill-fitting clothes, probably never thought to be measured to figure out how to properly dress himself. I usually don’t hold this against people, except youth pastors, but he’s raised my ire.
When I finally finished my dissection of his person, audacity, poor mode of dress, and character as a man, he looked shell shocked and mildly stunned. So I simply sipped my drink and pulled out my sketch pad and a few pencils. Effectively dismissing the idiot.
He left quietly shortly after that and one of the college kids came up to me. She looked at my drawing of a rather warty toad, smiled and asked if I ever draw people. I joked that I was, the likeness between the “gentleman” and my drawing seemed striking to me. She giggled, informed me my verbal vivisection was inspiring and offered me another drink. We sat and discussed her paper on premodern animal worship for a bit. By the time I left, I was back to myself, all anger washed away with caffeine and a charming girl’s admiration.
I’ll leave it here darlings, I still need to dress and decide just how extra I wish to be today. Until next time, don’t miss me too much!
