Today I would like us all to consider the ways in which we give away or own our own power.
What do I mean by that?
In a power exchange dynamic we all have power to give. The power of our bodies of course. Our time. Our energy. Our passions. Our desire. These are examples of common things we give in exchange for different power within a dynamic.
To give away any of those things we must personally own that which we hope to give away.
Our bodies.....check.
Our time.......check.
Our energy.....check.
We own these and can then readily offer them as something we can give.
What if we are giving those things away with no exchange? What if, we get nothing equal in return? And, in that thinking, how do WE personally define equanimity?
The following has been my experience. What I have walked through myself. I make no claims that my journey will look like yours.......this is offered as a reflection and food for thought.
Ways that I gave away my power that was not returned equally:
- doing what I thought another wanted me to do
- accepting crumbs within a relationship
- worrying about rejection which therefore changed my behavior
- apologizing when it was not my fault
- agreeability to avoid conflict
- pushing my own needs to the side until I no longer have a need
- giving in the hopes of reciprocation with no boundaries
- not doing anything for myself (ignoring self-care)
- wanting to keep someone happy over accepting my own need is just as valuable
- saying yes when I did not want to
- accepting being guilty in my partners eyes when I voiced a need
- withholding who I truly am
- not seeing myself as an equal
- relying on approval from others
- seeking acceptance of others
- having NO boundaries
- being a perfectionist
- feeling as if I must earn my worth
- worried about what others think
- dissmissive or avoidant attachment
- anxious attachment
- quick to anger, yet swallowed it
In all of these ways I gave away power to others that I neither owned, understood, were aware of, or could truly give.
All of these were a way of me coping with my own emotional needs in what I felt were ‘safe’ ways that I learned from a childhood that offered little emotional support. Now, I am NOT blaming my childhood. I am an adult today, if I can see my behavior I can begin to make choices to correct it. Blame serves nothing than to keep us in the cycle of the past. I made the choices I did in past relationships because it was all I understood about how to navigate a relationship. I was not given a manual, shown by a healthy example how to. I brought into my relationships me.......with my people-pleasing co-dependent style of ‘safety’.
When I began my journey into BDSM one of the founding principles I discovered was highly valuable was personal accountability. Responsibility of self. As a dominant by choice this meant I began a journey (and still continue) of owning my responses and actions. Understanding came AFTER I accepted my own power in the spaces I navigated. Meaning, I learned ways to hold my own self to a better and more honest, authentic standard that honored who I was rather than feared who I was.
Ways I have learned to take back my power and own what I need:
- caring equally for myself as I do others
- accepting praise, kindness with humility rather than dismissal
- being upfront and transparent about what I like/want in a relationship
- holding boundaries around what I will and will not accept as behavior towards me
- voicing my feelings openly even if I am angry. Voicing them with grace and tact. Not making my feelings about anyone else. Seeing my emotions, especially triggers as mine to navigate.....not anyone elses’.
- learning that the only approval that matters is mine
- following, believing in my truth
- when others disagree with me, understanding that is their lens.....which NEVER has anything to do with me.
- not ignoring my feelings
- taking time everyday for self-care.
- learning to embrace my uniqueness and beauty as intrinsic
- accepting that disagreement is NOT conflict, simply an opportunity to learn
- letting go of the need to be perfect. What I offer today is enough. What I offer today is not as much as tomorrow in my growth.......but that is not here yet.
- understanding that rejection of something I think or feel is NOT an indictment on my value, nor a rejection of me as a person
- learning what I need/want and not feeling bad for what that looks like
- giving from an honest place with no thought or need of reciprocation but only up to my personal limit
- giving myself permission to be who I am.
- giving myself permission to show up as I am.
- forgiving myself for not knowing what I did not know
- applying grace liberally as I grow knowing I will NOT get it all right.
- learning boundaries that are honest to my character
In these ways (and many more) I have begun to take responsibility for the actions that have caused me to feel ‘safe’ but not ever met. I have witnessed within myself these traits that have kept me from being the best version of myself around others. Friends, family, partners have all suffered for my inability to maintain/hold a clear, informed, balanced version of my power. Giving away that which I did not have in an attempt to gain what I could not from cheap and inauthentic means.
Learning to love yourself. To claim your power back from those who would use it (family is especially egregious and difficult to navigate) and manipulate you to get their needs met without a care for your own is far from easy. It has taken me just under 20 years to get to the point that I am at. And I have much further to grow. It has paid exceptional dividends though, firstly in my own peace of mind and inner contentment, which honestly is the most important. Secondarily, those around me know exactly where I stand. What I am about. How best they can support me. Where my limits are. What I need or want. In what ways they are valued and fit into my sphere with no guessing. How I truly do care for them with actions and not just words. Others can see my heart openly and get to earn a piece of my trust in an honest fashion without subterfuge.
All of this has been/is a work in progress. Breaking the cycle of past patterns that I thought was power only to discover it was my own powerless self that was looking for power from others rather than from my self.
What are other ways maybe you have or do give away your power unhealthily?
What are more ways you know of to take back your power so that you can honestly give it?
I hope you all discover your peace today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
3/21/2021