Hello friends.
Today I am going to express some things about 'doing the work'.
So that we are communicating in a transparent way I will define what I mean by 'doing the work'.
Doing the work for me is about taking a hard look at the ways in which we respond/react to circumstances in our lives and taking responsibility for our actions/inactions that affect the trajectory of our lives. Working to hold ourselves and those who rightfully own pieces that play a part in how we show up in an accountable way.
By way of a random example:
Someone calls you a derogatory term. One you have heard and been affected by for much of your life. Your knee jerk reaction is to become defensive and lash out towards them. That exchange may even put you in a foul mood and you may be sour with everyone else around you for the remainder of your day.
'Doing the work' means owning your reaction. Your defensiveness that continued an unhealthy communication. Which now turned into an unhealthy conversation. Which then led to you taking out YOUR actions on others that were not even involved.
In short, it is learning to take accountability and stem the emotions that you allow others to control inside of you.
This is just ONE minor example of what it means to learn to do the work. To learn to see yourself. To learn to be honest about why others can so easily control or press on your buttons and take accountability for YOUR responses.
Why is this important?
The obvious one is so others do not control you. For you to be able to find peace and centeredness with yourself to the extent that you are the creator of your story. No one else gets to write your narrative. You decide who you are going to be......not others who seek to manipulate, goad, lead, control, use you for their selfish gain.
Conversely, the opposite is true as well. So you can learn to speak freely, openly, clearly about who you desire to be and what you need and want without trying to gaslight, bully, manipulate, control others to give you what you want.
In short, to be healthy. Firstly, for you. Your journey. By extension then, towards others.
I would like to take a moment and encourage us here.
This process. This realignment. This deconditioning. It never ends. No matter how 'good' one may get at navigating the pieces of themselves that do not serve their truest self there will always be room for growth.
The point is NOT a destination.
It is the journey.
I often find myself struggling with moments of feeling like not enough. For this very reason. Because I want to be 'healed'. I want to have arrived at some place where my past conditioning no longer threatens to derail me.
I have discovered though, that is my fear. It may be a different reason for others. For me, however, it is about wondering if I will be able to navigate the next moment I am shown something. Because, let's face it, we all have hot buttons. Things that trigger us and are daunting to consider navigating. I have this story that if I cannot navigate these touchy spaces perfectly that I will be failing and somehow end up back as the unhealthy person I was before I started. That all the hard work I have put in will be for naught. What I am expressing is a 'perfectionist' mindset. Where I refuse to give myself grace because to do so will somehow admit I may get it wrong and be imperfect. It is a lot less about how others will perceive me (though that can play a role) as much as how I like to look at myself.
I think we all like to believe we are the victors, or the heroes of our story. We seldom like to admit there are moments where we are the monsters or the villains. It is challenging for us to allow ourselves to take that 'hit' to our ego. We can often be fragile in our self-esteem.
Conversely, this is often why many do not do the work. Because it means accepting we are not always right. That we too, have contributed to our own struggles and demise in moments. Whether that was through limiting beliefs or inactions on our part that allowed others to treat us poorly.
Part of the journey is accepting our humanity. We are not and never will be the idealized individual we think we 'should' be in our minds. Including the reality that the work never ceases.
I have discovered that is actually a good thing!
I spent a short time believing that I was progressing more rapidly than those around me and that equated in my brain to being further ahead and dare I say, in my arrogance I believed myself to be 'better'. Needless to say I missed the assignment!!! In my hubris I was shown just how much further I had to go the hard way!!! I was pressed on pretty hard and failed miserably!! The gains I perceived I had made were shown to be pretty shallow!
The lesson I learned was: we, each of us, go through things unique to us that others know nothing about. To believe we are somehow 'further along' or 'better' is to rob ourselves of the support we can receive from those around us who have navigated things in their life which we have not.
Doing the work is about the journey. We are not an island doing this work. We each need and can use the support and encouragement of others around us.
Yes. Even the staunchest introvert (raises hand).
Why?
At the very worst, because it is confronting to our ego. My experience has shown me that is often the biggest obstacle towards our own healing and seeing ourselves enough to decondition.
At best, because we learn that as a collective we each benefit from the wholeness of those around us. It makes us better. Stronger. Iron sharpens iron. Who we then surround ourselves with, who we listen to. Who we read. Who we follow. What form of information we take in then becomes of paramount importance towards a truer version of ourselves.
The purpose of this writing, as I intend all of my writings, is to encourage you.
You are not more or less further along than anyone else on your journey. Such a comparison does not mean anything except to your ego. You are where you are. The point is NOT where you are......as much as the truth that you ARE doing the work. Provided that in fact you are.
I will leave you with this discussion I had with Amethyst very early on in our dynamic.
"Sir. I am afraid of being replaced. I am afraid that I cannot be what you desire me to be. I am afraid you will find a more established submissive. One who has been in the lifestyle longer than myself. Someone who is further along in their journey. That knows their desires. Is in touch with their sexuality. That can give you more of what you know you need and desire."
"Oh little girl. Allow me to reassure you. It is true there will always be someone further along than us. They may even appear to be 'better'. That is not the same as having your heart. No one has your heart but you. THAT is what I find the most value in. All those other things I have had or experienced. And none of them had your heart. A heart that fights for what is good. That wrestles with seeing herself and healing. You will NEVER quit on yourself. I KNOW this about you. Before I was ever a part of your life you decided to work at being the truest version of yourself. You committed to trying, come hell or high water, you were going to try. You are willing to accept you are going to get it wrong at times, and you will get up, dust yourself off and try. That is RARE!!! Magical. Beautiful. I trust that if/when you come to a space where you discover the things about yourself that fuel you, appreciation will flow from you towards me from a place of gratitude and I will have what I believe I have always had.......your heart. This moment is not different than that future moment. You give of yourself as much as you are able today......that is all any of us can do. It is not the amount you give, or even what you give that truly matters......it is that you desire to give. The journey we are on is about partnering to be truer to ourselves as we travel. Not for us to arrive at some place where you feel ok to give me this or that where it does not come from an authentic space, I do not want your obedience as much as I want your passion. Your fervor to try. Not for me......for YOU. Because I long to see your contentment and peace. From that naturally you will live in your truest passions. I admire the woman you are. Someone who doesn't give up when it would be very easy to do so. I am not talking about having moments where you would like to! I am talking about the fact that even in those moments you will not stay there for too long.
I am proud to have you as my partner in this life. To be a force that leads you back home to yourself. To get to witness your journey. It allows me to have my journey. To feel safe to trust you will not judge me or quit on me when I get it wrong or fail to want to get up and try. What more could anyone ask for from a connection??? "
The conversation above is important because I truly want everyone to experience this level of connection. Where we have those who will cheer for us on our journey even when we want to give up, or when we may be wrestling to move forward. Where we can each recognize that those around us are fighting battles none of us understand......but we need not understand to support. Where we each see the humanity in others because we too need that grace extended to us.....after all, we fall short as well from time to time.
I pray you each find clarity and a focus on your divine
purpose today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
11/21/2023
