Hello all!
How are you doing today?
I am struggling with a nasty bug that's been going around, but I feel like I may have gotten over the worst of it.
This being sick showed me a piece of myself that I have known in part but was made acutely aware of by my actions while I was wrestling with not feeling good and being cared for by Amethyst.
One would think (or maybe it is just me?) that as a dominant I would not have a wrestle with being served. Being taken care of. Being loved genuinely back to health.
What I discovered deeper though is I have this hyper-independent response to others taking care of me. I am good with service as long as it looks a specific way.
Want to suck my cock every day? Great! I love that service!
You desire to kneel for me every day? I LOVE IT!
You want to cook healthy meals for us? Excellent!!! I will humbly and gratefully receive it!
You want to comfort me when I am struggling to have the strength with something? Wait, what? Um, no. I got this!! 😂😏🤦
I know many men (certainly this man!) who never want to show 'weakness'. I never want someone to see me struggle. Nevermind that I KNOW that is strength of a fashion, to show up and wrestle with finding your strength in a moment. It lands on my body as something to resist. To run from.
Enter hyper-independence.
When as children, for whatever reason, we felt we had to grow up too quickly. Become our own advocate. Or simply fend for ourselves in many ways, the only thing many of us understand to do at that time is to learn not to need anyone else. Especially when it was at the hands of our parents who were by all accounts meant to take care of us when we were just too small to do so. Our ability to trust that our needs will be met by others is damaged. Especially if you grew up poor and hungry. The people that were supposed to make sure your basic needs were met could not do so. Most of our responses tend to be self-protection in the form of taking matters into our own hands.
As we grow and begin making personal connections in partnerships we carry this hyper-independence with us. We got this!
Add to it a handful of failed relationships where you sought to be loved and were not given it as you sought for. It deepens this mechanism of self-reliance to the extent that we keep others at arms length. This may not at all be what we intend. We may be utterly unawares even. I know, at least for me, I still desperately sought to be loved and cared for. There is this truly dichotomous war within over allowing Amethyst to care for me and my struggle to allow her to do so for fear of her letting me down.
This type of wound is similar, by the way, to perfectionism. Similar root. Where we feel we must become better, more, tackle and be it all to somehow measure up to an unseen standard where we feel worthy then to be acceptable in the eyes of others. That's another writing though.
I never mention childhood as a blame or escape goat. I believe all things happen for us, not to us. I use it as a tool. Something most of us can relate to. We each may have been in similar situations as children and today seeing the patterns in our behavior because of that past may afford us the opportunity to grow beyond the behaviors that are truly impeding what we seek.
That is where I find myself. Realizing this hyper-independence is keeping me from the connection I so desperately desire. Everytime I push Amethyst or anyone away because 'I got this', I resist care, grace, kindness, compassion, love, mercy, support, encouragement, connection. The very things I say I need.
How have I found my way through this?
Firstly, I am certain at this moment I am not at all very good here!!!
I find resistance the second Amethyst seeks to care for me. I start to express I do not need her care or the trite 'I am fine' 🤢. What I attempt to do today is follow that up immediately with an apology and an expression of appreciation for her willingness to serve and gratitude for her patience and understanding around my stubbornness. Then, even if it is through gritted teeth, I receive her care.
I would like to say it is that simple. It is anything but!
Sometimes, I have an attitude and resist fiercely. Not meanly, I have never been mean. But I am certain the way in which I have responded has come across as not needing, or appreciating Amethyst's genuine desire just to care.
As I have sat with my responses here I have recognized I do it under all kinds of circumstances.
If I am having a tough day at work I don't really give myself permission to discuss it with her. To just 'let it go'. Instead I take care of it myself. Nevermind that she has always supported me and is not at all bothered or turned off by my expression however that appears. She values connection, that is going to come by sharing and communication.
If I am wrestling with how I feel about a thing and she just wants to hug me to comfort me, I resist. I generally will hug her, but the emotional resistance within my body is present. I don't want to trust she actually cares. That she will consistently show up for me with a heart that wants to serve in a supportive way. I don't want her to see me 'falling apart'. I want to hold it all together. She, of course, recognizes this. She is VERY attune energetically and can feel it.
In fact, I am certain she has seen this hyper-independence in me long before I recognized it for myself.
My goal for me is to get to a place where I can relax and trust I am safe to believe others care.
It is not so much about dependence on others, or believing in them. People are people. They will falter. Have bad moments. Will not always get it right. That is honest. Always will be. How I navigate that does not need to be this vehement resistance of distrust in others to my detriment. Yes, there are those out there that would seek to do me harm and have no intention or motive to care authentically. I get to learn balance, to not allow those of that ilk to be a part of my world and those that are genuine I get to learn how to believe they care as they can. That even if they do not care in this deep, fulfilling, visceral way that I may have an unrealistic standard set for them in does not change that they care as they do and I am ok to allow them to show up as themselves. That even when I allow others to care for me I am not somehow handing power over my existence over to them. I am no longer a child needing to be cared for in the most fundamental of ways. In that sense I am absolutely capable and can do a sort of reassuring myself that I will always survive. But it is also honest that part of my survival is also a part of community and to rob myself of that connection, however that looks, is to diminish myself.
This may sound rather silly to you. I recognize as I write this some of it sounds preposterous to me. Only because being able to see the dichotomy in reality now causes me to feel a bit silly for not having seen it previously. I try not to judge things as such. I know in my head that we are each on our journeys and we discover what we do when we are able to see it. That is not always an immediate comfort when you see how you are making choices that are harming you and hurting others that you have no intention of doing.
My hope today is that I learn to give myself the grace needed to be human. I am far from perfect. I get to learn that is ok even when I don't like it!! 😏
I hope each of you are having a fantastic day. That you find your peace and center that grounds you in your purp
ose today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
12/21/2023
