I have always had this nagging issue with the words Power Exchange.
Maybe it's the linguist in me?
OR
That I despise a label as an end-all-be-all truth?
The words never have rung true for me. It is an incomplete or insufficient choice of words over a type of dynamic shared in BDSM.
My reasoning?
There is no power that is exchanged equally between parties in a D/s or M/s dynamic that I can see on the surface.
Yes, it is true, for those who incorporate love in their dynamics there is a sharing of hearts. Generally, even that is not equal.
We can share respect one for another. On equal footing even, each from their station.
I suppose in that lens the power of respect is then exchanged.
I have wondered, maybe I am just hung up on the word exchange? To ME, exchange is something mutual. Equal. I give to you, you give to me. That is, a fair (?) exchange.
It is more than just the exchange is not equal though.
What a submissive gives is not equal to what a dominant gives. It just is not (I will explain below).
I am NOT saying it is less important or valuable. This is not a discussion on the merits of what we each give. I ABSOLUTELY accept the value of what anyone gives within their capacity is valuable and worthy of respect, acceptance, appreciation, and validation.
The honesty is that a parent has more responsibility than a child. It is not equal. When more responsibility is required so also is the level of giving required greater. No child would survive if a parent did not take up the responsibility for providing for that child in very real ways (working to provide food, shelter, creature comforts etc cetera). The parent clearly gives more. Is the child somehow less valuable?? Goodness no!!! In fact it is because of the value of the child to the parent that the responsibility is taken so seriously and what is given is so powerful and necessary. No child, regardless of their value, gives more than their parent. It is simply a fact.
So also is it in many dynamics. The dominant takes all the responsibility for the care, well-being, & needs of the submissive. The value of the submissive is incalculable to the dominant.....very true. That is not the same thing as saying the submissive gives as much as a dominant does. By the law of power a dominant absolutely gives more. They must. Or are they ever really leading? You could not follow someone who did not lead by example. Who did not show how to follow. Obedience will only take you so far. Structure, will only take you so far. You can not make your heart obedient. You can not structure feelings, no matter how hard you try. Eventually, if surrender does not come from the heart, it will fail you. Guaranteed. How does submission come from the heart? Same way it comes from a child, by respect (including a small amount of fear), need (not to be confused with co-dependency), safety (in ALL the ways not just physically), provision (in ALL the ways), protection (in ALL the ways). AKA, the power of dominance.
In any event, I believe it is much richer to 'out-give' as a dominant within our dynamics. The rewards of building a dynamic around this understanding or structure are far more uplifting and set a standard of a particular role model versus being the expectant recipient of submission with nothing more than because you are the dominant as a reason.
With power comes what?
Authority.
With authority comes what?
Responsibility.
A submissive has none of this. They exchange no power of authority or responsibility over a dominant.
"But Drago, a submissive grants authority and responsibility TO a dominant!"
Do they though?
I will give you that a submissive allows a dominant to have authority and responsibility over them (even that often is limited however to their comfort level). That is not the same thing as the dominant having authority and responsibility regardless. I would also contend that a submissive seeks and desires a dominant that has and holds responsibility and authority.
What do I mean?
As a dominant I have worked long and hard to be responsible for my own life. To manage it well. I have taken authority over my actions, correcting them if I need to, taking accountability when I missed something. I am NEVER handing that power over to anyone. In what way should I ever exchange that with another? Or, put another way, what submissive would ever want a dominant to hand over that kind of power? Isn't that what a great many submissives seek? A dominant in control of their life with deep integrity and responsibility to the extent that they own, with full authority, their actions, reactions, emotions, choices etc cetera?
Add to that, what many submissives that seek a D/s or M/s dynamic want is a leader. Someone they can trust to follow.
How can you trust someone to follow them?
Certainly one of the many things, if not the largest first thing, is the ability of that dominant to be responsible in tangible, real-life ways in their lives. They have authority over their existence and use that authority wisely to firstly become the best individual they can be, and then also supporting others, in some fashion, using their authority to enrich others lives.
I know of no submissive that would genuinely follow any dominant that did not have this power over their own lives. They would not be able to trust them fully.
So I ask,
In what way am I, as a dominant, exchanging power with a submissive?
I refuse to set down this power for anyone. I am not relinquishing my responsibility or authority for anything. This would make me small. Possibly even insecure. Surely it would create questions of trustworthiness if I did. I mean, how many submissives have lamented a dominant partner who buckled or let them get away with whatever? Who had no backbone? Who had no power? Who had no self responsibility to a set of values no matter what?
Just as children can grow up and become unruly, or disobedient because the parent tried to be their equal rather than their security, safety, consistency, power in their life so also would any submissive (in my lens) become if you were trying to exchange with them on some sort of equal footing.
I will repeat, I have never known of any submissive that wants a leader whom they are on equal footing with. They want a superior. Someone they can look up to. A rock that will weather their storms with them. Whom can stay steadfast. Who has the power to calm them, keep them, be their shelter.
No shelter protects you from the storms of life if it is not above you.
Again, not in some narcissistic way. No parent who loves their child treats them as less than. But they also do not expect the child to go out and get a job to take care of the household when that is not their responsibility.
Am I seeing it incorrectly? I mean truly......am I missing an obvious thing here?
Am I making it more complicated than it needs to be? Sincerely asking. Not just rhetorical.
If not Power Exchange, then what?
I have absolutely wrestled with this question. Power imbalance has been the place I have landed most honestly. That has often felt, however, like it has some denigrating tone to what a submissive brings to a dominants world. While it may be factually true, it also fails to highlight the role of a submissive in a very positive light.
What Amethyst brings to my world, is in many ways from my view, an amazingly magical thing I could never create or give. And have often lamented that I lack the words to even enunciate. It is sacred, unique, special, divine, beyond imagination. To express that we have a Power Exchange dynamic would equally be as insufficient in expressing what she gives to me.
Sometimes I think we use words or phrases as something to just say. Like, we fail to honestly think about what we are trying to convey and we lose sight of the meaning we intend or desire.
I find personally a great importance in words. If communication is key, words are the lock. What we intend to be on the other side of the communication door is understanding. If not understanding, empathy. If not empathy, then sympathy. Because we want to be seen, heard, met.
I wish I had some inspiration around what words would better describe a dynamic outside of Power Exchange or Power Imbalance. I feel these both fail to succinctly describe sufficiently the roles that are lived.
Maybe,
Value Investment Relationships?
Doesn't quite roll off the tongue does it??? 😂
What do you think?
I am absolutely open to hearing others perspectives and thoughts here. I am certain I do not see all the lenses around this!!
I hope that you f
ind your purpose and clarity today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
12/28/2023
