When I began my journey into the world of BDSM I had a very defined way I believed an s type was going to enhance my world. Some of these desires were healthy, and some of them were not. I saw around me those who served their Master' in an almost 'god-like' fashion. I wanted it......badly. I craved it almost to the point of madness.
The reasons for that craving are not a part of this writing so I will move on. The beliefs that I held around how submission 'should' look, however, I wish to discuss today.
I thought, errantly, that because I was dominant I would be given everything I wanted.
I thought, mistakenly, that when I said so, it would be done.
I thought, amazingly, that I would require the world of someone and they would not ask much of me in return.
I thought, oddly, that calling myself dominant was enough.
I thought, curiously, that being dominant meant I was right.
I thought, incredibly, that what I wanted was someone to give me everything I asked for.
I thought, surprisingly, that it would all be quite easy.
I thought I knew what I was asking for. What I was clearly looking for, and how to get it. In my hubris I made several connections and they crashed into a fiery heap of destruction the likes of Hiroshima. It happened repeatedly. I was certain I simply had not found 'the one'.
The universe, it seems, is not without a sense of humor and irony.
I began finding what I believed I wanted. Those who would cater to me. Give me everything I asked for. Lived for my every command and sought to please me in every single way. I had everything I could ever ask for! I rarely even had to ask!!
And, I was miserable.
I discovered the cost of having such a 'gift' was the disconnection of my partners heart. They were willing to give me all I asked for.....so long as they got everything they wanted in return.
Symbiosis you say? Balance? Harmony?
Then why did I feel used and manipulated?
The truth is, because I was. That is the end result of co-dependency & people-pleasing. It is only symbiotic as long as the status quo is equal. The trouble with that is obvious though isn't it?
We are talking about power imbalance relationships here. They are unequal by design. Or, at the very worst, the relationship 'I' sought was/is.
Keeping things tit-for-tat was parroting the vanilla relationships of my past where I was unfulfilled.
So?
Were my beliefs incorrect?
Was what I desired unhealthy?
Well, yes and no.
I am allowed to seek the type of relationship I want to be sure. However, that too, comes at a cost. The cost is, it is rare. There are few who desire someone to truly lead. My pool is extremely small.
Secondarily, I got to take a real hard look in the mirror and decide what kind of person I was going to be. If I did not want someone who gave to me so they could get something back in return in equal measure what I was saying was that I wanted someone who would give to me from the abundance of their heart. Well, no person I know is going to do so without assurance that they are secure, kept, safe, met, seen, heard.......loved.
Well shit.
I was not prepared for that. Up to the moment of this revelation I was working on the premise that being dominant was an all-expenses-paid-trip-to-paradise. Investing my own heart was something I kind-of swore off after having been crushed so many times previously! There was no denying the honesty though. I wanted deep, lasting, visceral connection. That would not come without investment. In fact, I would not realize my desires EXCEPT that I paved the way and set the example for what I needed. After all, no s type follows without a clear direction right?
Enter Amethyst.
When she met me 5 years ago I was done. Done with women period. Done picking them for sure!!! I was done giving my all to get crumbs in return. I was not at all interested in her when she entered my life. Just another 'submissive'......DANGER!!! RED FLAG!!! SHE CALLS HERSELF SUBMISSIVE!!!
I had worked on me.
I had settled in my heart there was nothing I would receive from a partner except their heart in surrender.
I saw how, in my past relationships, even though I could not recognize it at the time, that is what I gave. It was what I needed for a cohesive connection in my world. NOT because it was balanced, because that is impossible.....how any person loves with their heart is unique to them......it is never like anyone else's. Rather, because, I was going to be my full self and expect the other to do the same. If I wanted the power imbalance relationship I sought, I needed to be saavy about who I would give my time, energy, focus, leading, security......heart to.
So I was reticent to open up. I was much more deliberate in my approach. I made my intentions as crystal clear as possible, believing that if that alone did not scare her off there MAY be something to pursue.
I am exceedingly grateful I learned those painful lessons. That my lens of what I believed I needed was challenged and found wanting.
There are things a submissive brings that I dare say were lost on me. That I did not know or understand. Certainly, to the depths of them at the very worst. You see, when we look in from the outside we see what we believe to be true. When we look at an s type kneeling, crying, clutching onto their d types leg we may assume hero worship. Or, someone who is unhealthily twisted up in utter worship of their person and would die without them. We can imagine what that kind of worship would feel like. The power being imbued. The headiness of it all. The ego getting larger by the second! The feeling and belief of an s type doing ANYTHING asked of them at a given moment can be a powerful aphrodisiac to consider!
What often is lost in these 'fantasies' is the struggles it takes to get to those places, if in fact, they are real in the sense of the way you may have perceived them. My 'beliefs' about what I perceived were honestly grossly inaccurate at best. Wishful thinking at worst!
I am an incredibly fortunate human that I have Amethyst at my feet! It is not, however, how I believed it ever would have been. Nor, dare I say, does it match up to some fantasy I had before our getting together. In truth, it is SO much more than I could have ever imagined! It is WAY harder than I expected!! I am unsure why I ever thought I would have it easy because a submissive would make my life so much simpler right? Honestly, while it is true that Amethyst makes my life simpler is SO many ways.......a dynamic, the spaces that get navigated with everyday life, are by necessity something that requires an immense amount of focus, intensity, clarity, intention, and dare I say......uncomfortability on BOTH of our parts.
What she offers is her heart......all the beautiful, scared, insecure, wildly funny, interestingly sarcastic, doubtful, pieces of her.
She serves me by just being herself. Showing up in her authenticity. That is magical!! It is also confronting......because someone doing so in your world does so because they trust you will cherish and protect them. Now.....it is all well and good to fantasize that a dominant is an all-powerful-put-together-all-knowing-king-bufoo.
The reality is, we are human.
Yes, we care deeper than most.
Yes, we are oftentimes stronger than most.
Yes, we can be insightful and 'see' you.
And we LOVE that you can find value in that, especially as our submissive!
It is ALSO true that being dominant, as natural as it may come for us, is something we take so seriously that the focus it requires can be overwhelming at times.
The point?
It is not the fantasy you imagine it is.
There are real people, with struggles, feelings, doubts, weaknesses, traumas in these dynamics.
Imagine sharing those spaces with someone so intimately that they can see every raw nerve exposed. Imagine standing on a stage naked in front of a crowd trying to give a lecture of import while everyone sees every mole, stretchmark, blemish. That is often what it can feel like. Seriously. It is NOT for the faint of heart!!
All of that being said, I wouldn't trade it for the world!! Truly!!
When she kneels, holds my leg, or puts her head in my lap and just sobs......there is NOTHING more beautiful and precious to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sex is easy.
A scene is easy.
Trust on the other hand, the kind that allows love to pour in and heal your soul......that is a fight.
Daily.
Sometimes second by second.
When she kneels........she is trusting me with her very breath. That I will gently, tenderly, violently protect and cherish her RIGHT WHERE SHE IS.
Not as I may desire her to be.
No expectations that she shows up in a certain way that makes me happy or comfortable.
No demands that she do or be anything but her authentic self.
Without a hint or desire to 'fix' her or where she may find herself.
Just.......acceptance.
THEN I get to ask what it is that I may want.
Why?
Because I have earned her respect, admiration & trust.CONTINUALLY.
She KNOWS I will not ask something of her that she is unable to do.
She KNOWS I will love her even if she provides what I ask in the way she best knows how if I am not extremely specific.
She KNOWS I will keep her safe regardless of what I am asking of her.
She KNOWS I will respect her, who she is no matter what.
She KNOWS I will not judge ANY expression she has, no matter how messy she feels that may be.
She KNOWS I will always be there, open hearted, to comfort her as she heals.
She KNOWS I will always appreciate, truly and authentically appreciate, ANY way that she chooses to serve because she can FEEL that from me as a truth.
I get to earn that from her. EVERY DAY. NON-STOP.
There is never this point where I can just phone-it-in. I will never get to just rest and believe the trust I have earned yesterday is good enough for today. Because that is not honest or fair. Today the trust she gets to extend is unique and different, so also must my trustworthiness.
That requires a level of consistency, character, integrity that does not exist simply because I dick-her-down-good.
It goes much deeper than my abilities with various implements in a scene.
Those are momentary.
Exciting? Sure.
But not very long-lasting. We cannot prove our consistency in the bedroom/dungeon without staying there 24/7. Which, as we all know, is not possible.
I used to believe otherwise, in error. I was living from one scene to the next. Craving that 'connection' to keep me 'satisfied' from one moment to the next. Believing that an s type worshipping me in such spaces because of my capabilities equalled being appreciated for who I truly am. I was conflating my worth around what I 'DO'.
I used to believe the value of an s type was no different. It was measured by what they give (do). The depth, level of that giving showed/proved their worth/value. When, in actuality, it does not require much trust to learn to allow someone to fuck you. Or flog you for that matter. That can be quite a simple thing for a great many.
Open your heart though?
Bear your soul?
Be naked in your truth?
Show your flaws openly?
Allow someone to see your fears?
Let someone love you just as you are in authenticity?
Trust someone to respect you and admire you in your struggle?
THAT is what a submissive can give.
IF you can create the container for them to show up in such a way.
IF you can be trustworthy enough for them to feel safe to allow you to see them.
It is way tougher than you think.
Requires much more work than you can imagine to earn that type of service. Snapping your fingers, barking some orders, and playing a role will not get you there. Either you are true, honest, and consistent or you are not. There is no middle ground.
I cherish with every fiber what Amethyst gives me as she kneels. Because the truth is, whether she is physically before me doing so or not her heart is ALWAYS kneeling before me. That is sacred beyond words. Humbling in the extreme. While I fight, sacrifice, and wrestle with my fears/doubts to show up as honest, truthful, and consistent I will be damned if I do not give my all to receive the care she has to offer.
It is the best of me. Even if I did not understand that is what it was going to bring forth from me. Even if it was lost on me what kind of man it was going to expect me to be. I regret NOTHING. After all..........it is what I have asked for.......even if I had NO clue what I was saying all those years ago.
I hope you found some insight and encouragement in my words today.
Namaste
Drago & Amethyst
