Hello Friends,
Today I am going to discuss a mechanism around sex that I found within myself. For those of you who may be interested in hearing what I discovered and how I am healing, buckle in, grab some popcorn, and come along for the ride! For those uninterested in hearing about this growth, thank you all the same for stopping by!!
Ever since I was a very young boy (5 or 6) I have felt......alone. Out of place. Unloved even. I am unsure if there are any feelings of not enough in there at the moment....I may discover that at some point....but unsure. As many of you may know from previous blogs, I was an EXCEPTIONALLY unruly child. Around this age, I began stealing. From the teachers' desks, from stores. From others back yards. Et cetera. I can see today.....it was an attempt on my part to feel accepted.....or noticed. Validated as someone worthy of attention and love. As only a young boy can ask for it, in error of course.
If you are for the first time hearing me discuss my criminal history and you are shocked, amazed, and horrified......my sadist is giddy right now!! Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry not sorry for the shock?
The thievery landed me in prison 4 separate times beginning at age 16.
Eventually, I got my shit together around age 20. During my teenage years, I began to discover an ability to 'win women over' for my sexual gratification. I would sleep with babysitters, married women, and anyone that I would be in contact with regularly. I do not say this proudly, only for context. To say that I was a boy-whore would be accurate.
You see, I imagined every one of those experiences was loving, rich, deep, meaningful connections. Even as young as I was (14, 15) I desired this soul connection. Of course, I had no clue that was what I was seeking. I know today because I can look back at my actions, the words I spoke to 'woo' my prospective partner in crime, and the responses I got from women of all ages, races, and relationship statuses. I imagined their willingness as a sort of validation of my worthiness.
I was still struggling to be ok in my skin. I needed others to tell me I was ok that I was worth the time and effort to care for.
As a side note, being raised co-dependently ABSOLUTELY was at the core root of this feeling.
Yet, every time the deed would be done, I would feel empty again. I would not say lonely.......that is a feeling I have rarely felt in my life......but certainly alone. Just......disconnected from others. I have not been sad about that. I have always just accepted this was the truth. I cannot tell you why. Nevertheless, I would not feel fulfilled. I believed that physically connecting with another would draw me closer to not feeling so out of place. I would finally feel accepted. Wanted. Valuable. Of course.......no one.......nothing......can impart such feelings. That is a self-worth piece that is an inside job. That was, needless to say, very lost on me, however.
By the age of 24, I was getting married. I can see today, I felt that my value would be realized as a father & a husband. While it is honest that I loved those titles and the responsibilities that lay within them, they did little to help me feel accepted, or like I fit in. I was still odd. I did not quite fit in. I felt it. In my marriage, I would push the envelope of what transpired in the bedroom sexually thinking that would somehow translate to me feeling loved.
'If she is willing to do XYZ for me in the bedroom surely that means she cares!'
Sadly, I could not feel loved regardless. It is NOT that she did not love me. In her way, she did, I have no doubt. I began to see, however, ways that her version of love was laced with guilt, expectations, demeaning, and belittling unless I showed up a certain way.
THAT became a major turning point for me on this journey.
I began to see why, for all these years I felt like an outsider, why I felt the oddball.
Why I did not fit in.
Why I believed I was looking for acceptance.
Because my version of 'love' has ALWAYS looked different than everyone else's expectations they placed on me. It began at a very young age with my mother. She expected a child that showed up in a very specific way.....and a big shock.....I rebelled. I 'knew' in my heart I could not be what she wanted me to be. Which, as a child, is utterly confusing. You feel like you are not good enough.
'Why is the way I show up and live as a child unacceptable?'
This feeling continued to be reinforced by my sexual partners. I was good enough for them to be dicked down by.....but not good enough to invest in emotionally. To care for. To love.
I saw it happening in my then marriage. And it broke my heart. We spoke about it at length. But I readily admit I lacked the language to enunciate clearly what I was feeling and why. I only knew I was being treated poorly. I was disregarded and ignored unless I showed up in a specific way. Chastised and made to feel wrong if I did not do, think, believe, or act as I was expected. It pressed on that old wound my mother created in co-dependency. I was damn sure not going to continue to live under it once I saw it.
In my pain, I cheated on my spouse. For the same reasons I expressed earlier......sex, and my ability to easily get it was a way of feeling powerful. Like I was accepted. Like who I showed up as was desired by someone. Of course, this was incredibly short-lived. It detonated what remaining pieces of my marriage remained, rightly so, and I went out to find that love again.
Repeatedly, however, I would attract those who desired to use me for what I could do for them, especially in the bedroom. My partners were all too happy to enjoy my kinky passion, hunger & drive. But cared very little about sharing their heart with me. I began to see how much of my heart I invested in my sexual acts. How I desired a DEEP connection (I had not yet at this point even heard of the word Demisexual). A sense of oneness. I also began to see, how every one of my previous partners, and even those around me in that present moment, I 'fantasized' or 'convinced myself' were giving me their heart. That they loved me deeply and viscerally I felt and chose to pour into them.
Only to discover......it was a lie.
Where I was when Amethyst found me was on the other side of that. Where I had sworn off women. Where I was jaded. Hurt. Dismayed. If this is what it was going to be like to give your heart to another, best not to do so at all!!! I took a long hard look at myself and my desires. I questioned if I would ever fit in. If I would ever belong anywhere.
Yes, I indeed created a lot of these spaces where I was taken advantage of or used. I accepted the crumbs given to me because I believed that is what love did. I allowed others to give to me whatever they felt was enough for my heart. They felt it was worth very little. Ok, that is their right.....it does not change how I feel about them, how I get to care for them. While there is honesty and truth in that.....it is NOT at my own expense!! No person can live on crumbs!!!
Again, I reiterate, that those were the partners I chose. No one put a gun to my head and made me. They were what I felt I deserved. Even if my heart was rebelling and screaming at me that I was an idiot for accepting such.
So, I had determined I would NEVER accept less than what I know I need to be loved. I (and everyone in my belief) deserve to be loved richly, deeply, and beautifully.
As I expressed, this is where Amethyst found me. I will not pretend I had it all figured out on what that meant or how I was going to implement that in my life. I only knew that unless someone was willing to come in and give me their heart and fight to love me similarly as I fight to love them I refused to be connected in any way with them. I expressed such to Amethyst and she agreed wholeheartedly and then began to show up, in her authenticity, to prove it was just not something she said. She embodied it.
Enter Amethyst's struggle with her sexual liberty. It pressed on my feeling of unacceptable. Unworthy. Cannot be loved. Because I had built SO many stories that sex equals love, it MUST be love if a woman opens her legs for me right? That is what I believed, what I put on every partner.....including Amethyst. What I was getting to discover, was sex became my mechanism. My distraction. The drug that sated my discomfort with sitting and acknowledging my feelings of neglect. Abuse. Disregard. Dislike. Disapproval, I had experienced at a very early age and did not want to ever believe was possible from my parents.
Do I blame my parents?
Or,
Is it my parents' fault?
No.
They did the best they could. They were just humans, faultful, imperfect, trying.
They are not responsible for the message I believed or received from them at an early age. It is no one's fault I was too young to express, understand, or know how to enunciate what I was feeling or needed. It was just a product of my environment. My age could not magically shift. Nor could my understanding. It was, the proverbial, what it was.
Today, I recognize I still struggle with moments of feeling 'alone'. Outsider. Not acceptable. Unloved. I had such a moment yesterday. I recognize today that it is just a moment though. It will not last. With my mind, I KNOW different. I know the truth. I understand fully, that yes, I may love differently. Hell, my kinkiness is certainly evidence of that! While I may seek to 'fit in', I absolutely will not and do not wish to if I am honest. I enjoy my diversity. My uniqueness.
I also recognize how I have put on Amethyst these disingenuine feelings that I have made her responsible for. She must love me like XYZ. That is the ONLY way I can receive love. Sex must look like XYZ or she does not care for me.
What I am saying when I believe that is, "I do not want to open my heart and allow you to love me as you authentically wish to. It is too scary to believe you are not like all the rest who just want to use me and take from me what they can get and truly do not wish to pour back into me. I mistrust your intentions. Surely, you cannot love me for me. No one has. Why would you?"
Even deeper is this truth..........there is still a piece of me that has moments where I feel like that little boy of 5 years old being told I must show up differently than I was. That has felt shame and guilt for liking what he likes. That has been made to believe he is not allowed to be himself because that is too uncomfortable for others to navigate. That has been told his heart, the depth of it, is unwelcome. It is confronting. Too much. Others see in my heart expression how they do not measure up.....and they have lashed out from that space. Trying to make me small.
Amethyst has NEVER done so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fear of it though?
The story I have lived with my entire life is one of too much. Too big.
Too passionate.
Too much desire.
Too intense.
Too deep.
Too Drago.
It may not mean anything to anyone else.....but I have fought tooth and nail to own who I am.
To put me out there, even this blog, in this fashion, is a result of me facing these pieces within me and saying, "If you are going to be uncomfortable because I show up, so be it. I am still showing up as me. I am allowed. Regardless of how you feel about me, I am NOT, nor ever will be, responsible for how you feel. This is me."
Do I have moments?
Yup. Sure do.
And that is alright. It reminds me I am human. Faultful. Imperfect. But necessary all the same.
Because I know more than I know, part of my purpose is to share these experiences I navigate. To reassure others they are not alone. To show that courage can be found to face those fears. While accepting sometimes our courage may fail us and fear may get the better of us.....it can be a moment where we allow ourselves to see the emotions that rise within us and apply grace. Kindness. Compassion rather than the same 'ol judgment others have tried to place on us in the past. We get the opportunity to sit with why we feel the things that rise in our bodies, and we get to find a way to show love to those feelings.
There are plenty of people out there willing to vilify us, let us not be among those who treat us so disparagingly.
I hope you find clarity and focus in your purpose today.
Namaste
Drago & Amethyst
2/13/2024
