I don't define as anything currently. The best term to suit me is STUDENT I am learning. I am being guided by others and learning from them and my own mistakes. My language online in particular seems to rub people up the wrong way. Too stiff, too formal. When I attempt to make light of something it is taken out of context!. I make fun of MYSELF and some people take umbridge. I am not for changing! Yes I know I should talk with more Doms to see how things work. But you see I have only been fully active for the last 6 weeks at best! I have attended ONE Munch! I am slowly finding my way around.
I am hoping to attend a class for new Dominants at the start of April. I say hoping because it is something I can ill afford but am willing to pay out to LEARN how to be better. I have been blessed and humbled in the fact that one Mistress has taken me under her wing and is offering me some unofficial help. And I will be eternally grateful for that. She is showing me that there is so much more to this lifestyle. Her subs are helping me too by telling me ways to do certain things and guiding me along. These are very experienced people I am with and every day is a school day.
Every day I doubt myself and wonder if I should carry on. And every day I am told that I am doing good and getting there slowly. I have told a few people this and I might have even put it online here, but I'll say it again. I discovered this lifestyle online about 25 years ago. Since then I have had to hide my desire to explore more. I didn't get a chance until 2 months ago when I started coming on here more often. I discovered the @LincolnBoudoir and paid a visit. I didn't know what to expect. But I was welcomed like I belonged there. I was home. Anyone that asked me I told them that I am a newbie! I haven't a clue as to what I was doing there. Ms. Maree Asked if I wanted to watch her at work! I declined that time but may very well accept in future if asked! Madame Moon was there too and we hit it off and she invited me to visit her private dungeon. Remember I am a total newbie to all this! I have been there a few times and conducted my first Dom session under Her supervision.
I have had ZERO experience before all this and up to now I have had 2 sessions. I know full well I am not experienced and that I have much to learn. I have no proper toys and am not in a position to buy the biggest and best. I rely as in the rest of my life on the kindness and generosity of others to help me along my way.
On a personal note I am in poverty. Simple. I get my benefit money a the start of each month. That goes on my rent, gas and electricity. I am left with no money for food. I get my shopping from Foodbanks. I have been asking friends to help me with money so I can travel to Lincoln to spend tine in the Boudoir and with Madame Moon and to make contacts. I am NOT saying this for anyone to feel sorry for me. It is just the way my life is. On Xmas Day I was about to commit suicide things felt so bad. I was ALONE in all ways. Now I think I have a family. Or up to a few hours ago I did. Now I'm not so sure.
If I seem standoffish online, that is not me. The written word can be easily misinterpreted. If in future I offend or say something out of place then tell me in private! I'll say it again... I am new to this lifestyle! I am LEARNING! Instead of berating, educate!
