Well like the title says , it's been a while since my last post here. And to be honest nothing much has changed, while things have been changing for me.
Now I know that last statement seems contradictory, but I will try to explain it. In my life nothing much has changed. I'm still plodding along, trying to figure out what's what in the Lifestyle, and learning things every day.
As for the second part, things changing for me, well, new experiences, new feelings, some old problems coming into play, and the jot of having my first sub. I never thought that I would actually have a sub of my own. He is a great fellow, kind, thoughtful, willing and fun too. It's very much early days and we are still finding out about each other, but I am hopeful that we will progress further. That's the last part of my changes dealt with.
As for the new experiences and the new feelings, I have had opportunity to explore my submissive side and my sexuality. Now for all of my adult life I have seen myself as a straight male! But in recent years in particular, I have been questioning myself about that. I have become more bi curious of late. And a few weeks ago I was allowed the opportunity to explore that to an extent. Now it might not seem much but I have had my first proper tongues and all kiss with a man. And I really liked it! Things progressed and I gave him a blowjob.... Yes... I sucked a dick for the first time and I don't think it will be the last! Before this, I had sort of submitted to the chaps wife by giving her a foot and leg massage as she requested from me. I am not a foot fetishist.... or at least I don't think I am! I thoroughly loved the experience and I will happily admit that I was rather turned on by the end! It's been a long time since any lady has left me so blooming horny! Anyway, back to the new experiences! After the massage had ended Maa'am asked if I would like a small neck massage in return. I readily agreed and turned my back to her whereupon she started to work on the knots in my neck. As I relaxed into the massage, I felt her nails starting to dig in a bit. Nothing serious as Ma'am has longish but sharp nails. I lowered my head and then she dragged her nails down my back and up again. I am no lover of recieving pain, but after the initial shock of the nails scraping down my shoulder blades, I found myself taken into a realm of pleasure. She carried on by making serpentine marks too and then had me face her and her husband. I did as I was told and looked at them both. I cannot describe the feeling I had. I think it may have been a mix of gratitude, relief, pleasure, love, all rolled into one. I was asked how I felt and couldn't answer. I was dumbstruck. I raised my head once more and thanked them both. Ma'am reached out to my chest and again ran her nails down me twice. And it was finished by her name being etched on my stomach. I sat back on my heels and looked at them both once again. All I could do was say Thank You to them both for allowing me to have that experience. I was amotional to say the least, and even now recounting the event, I feel emotional to say the least.
And now for the last part... Old problems coming into play. This is a tough one to put into words especially on a public place like this. It is something I am open about to any potential partners and unfortunately it seems to scare them off. So here we go! I have ED problems and have done for 25 years roughly. That part I can live with.... finding a partner who can accept that is another story. My real problem came about 25 years ago when I was with a girl and we were having for me the best sex of my life! But as I was approaching orgasm, apparently something happened me. To this day I remember nothing of this, but this is what I was told. My demeanour changed and I looked like I was ready to seriously hurt this girl. I had gripped her wrists and was thrusting into her like a wild animal (her words not mine) and was snarling too like a dog.All I remember was her slapping my face and asking if I was ok. I said I was fine as I had just had the best fuck of my life! Why?? And then she told me what happened. I had blacked/blanked out and that was her reason for slapping me into sensibility. Needless to say the relationship didn't last too long after that. Every time I have been with a woman since then, as soon as I feel myself ready to cum, I have a panic attack. It scares the shit out of me pure and simple. I have been married since then and had the same troubles. But was still able to father a son. However about 3 years after he was born I was trying to start to make love to my wife with som light foreplay, when she told me to stop, I was not capable anymore and I should stop trying. And that was the last time I attempted to have penetrative sex. Some 18 years ago. I have had 2 or 3 girlfriends since my wife kicked me out but I have not been able to have sex with them. Foreplay is great but there is nothing more because I get scared. And this is where the final part comes in... old problems resurfacing. Now after giving my fella his blowjob, he wanted to reciprocate by playing with me. He took my cock out of my shorts and took hold and started to stroke me. I had to stop him. The fear and panic kicked in again. And I ended up crying beside him, feeling worthless and useless. Now this fella is someone I know and respect and have been lucky enough to have been accepted by him and his wife as a friend. I was relaxed and looking forward to whatever might happen. But in the end all I was left with was feeling guilty and pathetic. He has reassured me that nothing wrong happened and that we can try again and again and again if need be.My heart is racing now thinking about that night.
But I am determined to find some kind of resolution to this problem. Whether it is a medical thing by taking pills or a psychological thing where therapy will be the route to take then I will try it. At the age of 57 I am NOT done with sex just yet.
